Letting go competitive level training - throwback post

This is a post from over a year ago (May 2019), and I wanted to post this the way it is. To show what were my feelings just a few weeks after I made the decision to end throwing a hammer at a competitive level.

A lot has changed in a year and I promise, there is coming a new post how my life has changed since I "gave up." Many of you know I am now coaching younger athletes, and I will write more about that later on. 

But here, first, my #throwback Thursday post:

For already more than 4 years I have had an on-off and hate-love relationship with a hammer throw. I have been thinking about giving up multiple times, I have been writing message drafts to my phone thinking how am I going to tell my coach, that I am not continuing anymore.

I have suffered from injuries, for almost 10 years in a row. It has affected my motivation. I even had a time where I did not make any personal best record for over 2 years. I found it hard to keep going when I did not even get a training program from my coach. And the time the bullying, mentally putting me down during a workout, etc. started in my training group, I totally lost my motivation. 

I was too shy and kind to say anything to them.

But still, over and over again, I got up and kept going. After all injuries, I got just enough motivation to get back on track, I had deep conversations with my coach, and somehow I was always able to convince myself to get up and keep going. I was not ready to give up, and I still had dreams, hammer throw was always something that I fought for.

But what exactly kept me trying?

Dedication.

I was dedicated to my sport, and I loved what I was doing. 

Hammer throw was something, that all my other life was wrapped around. In vocational school, as well as in university of applied sciences, I was an athlete. I was part of the athlete group in the school, which meant, that if I had a competition or training at the same time as school, I was able to leave early or even skip school. Or if my school days were too hard when I had to focus on the sport, I was able to skip school. Cool right? People were jealous, but they never realized, that also doing sport at a competitive level is hard work. 

It is also fun when you truly love what you are doing. But it is also hard. There is not really free time, no time to see friends, no time to focus on to anything else, etc. Not when it is competition season, then it is just focusing on the sport.

My goal was to get to the top 3 at Finnish Championships in my own age group. My other goal was to get to adult’s national championships, where I would have needed a certain record to even get there.

Unfortunately, I never got a chance to get those dreams to come true.

And now, I will never get a chance to get those dreams to come true.

Sometimes it is just time to move on.

I had to make the hard decision, put my health first, and give up with a hammer throw.

Yeah, you read it right, I had to give up. 

Let go. 

Move on.

I made this decision a few weeks ago, and still, I am not sure if it is the right one.

I have not had the courage, or opportunity to talk with my coach.

Maybe because I think these are the things to talk face to face.

Or maybe, because I am not yet sure what I am going to do.

It is easy to say, that ok, I am done now. But it is harder to accept it, and really move on. 

Especially when the sport has been part of me for so long, and is part of my identity, some could even say, that it is my identity.

Unfortunately, hammer throw is most likely the reason for my chronic pain. And as long as I keep going, I am always putting my body and my health under huge risks.

I know athletes that do training even with injuries, I was one of them. I know it is possible, and maybe I should not give up, but just try if I could get back.

Believe me, I have tried, and I would love to keep trying.

Giving up breaks my heart, it makes me think who am I now without hammer throw, what I am going to do with my life, and can I really live without it?

But giving up also feels like closing one door behind, and opening a new one.

Turning a new page in life, and finding something else to do.

Though, seeing it all like that is still a long way to go.