ECT treatment for depression

ECT treatment - my experience

I am here to tell you about MY ECT treatment experience. Which I got in 2022. 

ECT stands for electroconvulsive therapy. I just don't get the "therapy" part here, and it will (hopefully) become clear as we go further..)

I don't want to dismiss those people's experience who have gotten real help from it, but I want to tell MY experience. 

And even though some people have told me I shouldn't do it, because it scares others. 

I shouldn't tell it, because others might not then choose it and it could be lifesaving for them... etc. 

But I think I should. And I think I can, and I am as rightful as those who write positive experiences about it, to write about my experience.

How it all started with ECT

I got ECT treatment in 2022. 

So it's has been a while, and in fact, I started writing this already in 2023, but never finished it, and never published it. But now it's time for that. 

ECT treatment destroyed my memory. Completely. And I'm not talking here about short term memory loss which would've lasted only during the treatment time. No, I'm talking about long term memory loss. 

I'm talking about memory loss, which is still ongoing. After two years. 

I'm talking about memory loss, that doctors completely dismiss, and totally ignore. Because "this won't happen." 

Yet, there's still numerous researchers about this, how ECT treatment CAN cause long term memory loss. 

But was I told this before the treatment started? No way, no. I even asked about it. 

The only thing I was told was "no, that's not possible. You might lose short term memory. Such as the pin code of your phone or bank card. So remember to write those down somewhere. But all this will be gone once the treatment is over."

No, it wasn't over. 

I didn't forget those. 

I forgot things from my past. 

I looked at pictures from my past, and couldn't remember anything from that time.

I still can't remember some of that.

ECT made me to quit my sport

I had to quit Taekwon-Do.

I haven't told the real reason for many, the real reason why I really quit it. 

Why did I quit it then?

Because of the ECT treatment, how it affected my long and short term memory, and ruined my memory. 

Because, to practice Taekwon-Do, I should be able to also learn some Korean. To know the movement names in Korean. 

Well, I couldn't learn anything anymore.

I really hope, that some day in my future I can return to this sport again. But even now, two years later, it doesn't seem possible.

Is it OK to talk about ECT?

I feel like in Finland, I don't know if it's the same in other countries as well, talking about the bad side effects of ECT is "shhh you shouldn't do this.." -topic. 

And it REALLY frustrates me. 

I think everyone should be able to tell their own experiences, whether it's a good one, or a bad one. But I feel like, that even all the newspapers are praising about ECT treatment. How it's saving lives and there's NOT any long term side effects.

Which is not true. They never ask experiences from someone who has experienced these long term effects.

Why? Because it would make it real, it would fight against the image of the so called "very good treatment method", which it is not for everyone.

Not long ago I saw this article about psych ward treatment in Finland, and there was something about patients receiving ECT treatment. And there was a nurse telling how the treatments makes them feel so much better. But what about asking it from the patients themselves? It was like "there's just a little bit of memory loss issues, but comparing it to the long term positive effects, it doesn't matter."

Is that also what the patients will think after a few months? That it doesn't matter that they've lost their memory? That, well, at least they're feeling a little better, but their long term memory is completely destroyed.

No, I am not saying, that this will happen for everyone. No. And I am not saying, that ECT doesn't help. Yeah, it helps many people. 

In my case, I thought it helped me, I really thought so. For a few weeks. Then I was completely lost again, and back in a psych ward within a two months. Completely suicidal again, and in a worse condition than before the ECT treatment.

The worst part is, that doctors won't evaluate WHAT is behind the feeling you have, why you are depressed, what is the why behind all of it. Instead, they immediately push you to these radical treatment methods. While for example in my case, I experienced flashbacks from my PTSD, I experienced stress in my life etc. but no one asked about those. Instead, they just told, that ECT will cure me. No, I don't think that it will cure me if there's stress in my life. Stress is something, that has to be taken care of in a different way, and they knew I had stress in my life. They still pushed me to ECT. Even though I told them I am scared of the long term side effects. 

But no, there won't be anything like that.

And the funny thing is, that before the ECT treatment, I saw a doctor who said, that if my depression worsens, I should be put into ketamine infusion queue. Because it has helped me before. So why not try it again?

But instead of even asking me about it, they pushed me to the treatment I didn't want to go.

Pushed me to the treatment they told would completely cure my depression.

And now I am here, talking about this, because in so many situations, unfortunately, the people that has experienced huge memory loss from ECT, are not here anymore. Because they have died by suicide already.

So I want to spread my experience, because I am still here, and I can do it. 

I can tell you, that ECT is not always the life saving method, that it CAN cause long term side effects, that you shouldn't blindly believe all doctors who tell you it's completely safe treatment method. 

Ask from people around you, ask experiences instead of just reading newspapers, instead of just listening to the doctors. And this is for you, my fellow Finnish people, please, read also international researches, because those will tell the cruel truth.

I have tried to write to newspapers to tell my story, but no one has taken it seriously. It just tells in what kind of world we live in. I am not trying to seek attention by doing so, I am just trying to save someone from experiencing the same, that so many, around the world experiences.

Behind the curtains

I just got home from the psych ward in July.

There was a patient who said for the nurse, that he doesn't want to go to the ECT. Because he's scared for the side effects. The nurse just said "there won't be any side effects. Don't worry, you'll be safe. There's no need to worry about long term memory issues, because those won't happen."

And I had this huge want to scream out loud, that it's not true. It CAN happen. There's no guarantee. But of course, I couldn't do it. I can't just intervene to anyone's psychiatric care. And I mean, I shouldn't have listened to them in the first place. But I just was there in the same room, he was standing next to me while I was having my small breakdown.

And, a month later, while I had my ketamine infusion, I saw this same guy in the waiting room. And I realized, that he's going to the ECT treatment. I felt a bit sad. Because he seemed a little like a zombie, like I was when I received the same treatment. And it brought up some bad memories. 

And you know, I had the ketamine infusion in the SAME room as they did the ECT treatment, which should NEVER happen. A patient who is not receiving that treatment, shouldn't be in the same room, hearing and literally seeing what is happening. 

There was just a light curtain (that curtain in the picture), between me and the ECT treatment patients. I literally heard everything the nurses and the doctor talked about. I heard everything that happened, and I felt nauseous. 

And I couldn't escape the room, because I was having the IV in, I just had to be there, and hear everything. That was the time when I regretted I didn't brought my headphones with me. Or I didn't agree to take the earplugs they offered me first.

But, at the same time, I was too curious to hear and see what is happening.

And at that time, I realized, if I would have seen and heard all that BEFORE my own ECT treatment, I would have NEVER chosen and agreed to have that treatment. Never. Never in my life.

It was too horrible to hear.

Some links to ECT treatment methods, researches, etc.

I have been in this ECT survivors Facebook group for maybe a year now and there is people around the world who have experienced significant memory loss and other serious side effects from ECT treatment. From there I found this video:

https://www.cchr.org/ban-ect/watch/therapy-or-torture-the-truth-about-electroshock.html

It is quite cruel thing to watch, and I don't recommend it to everyone, BUT if you want to know about ECT and what it really is before you go to the treatment, then go ahead and watch it. It lasts about 1.5h, but it's worth it. Maybe it changes your mind. And one of the most interesting parts of this was, that normally doctors TREAT seizures, it's dangerous for patients to have seizures. But in ECT, doctors CREATE seizures. In't that odd? What can be good about that?

Many people (especially in Finland) haven't believed me, when I have told, that there's REAL medical international websites where they have stated, that ECT can cause long term memory loss. And one of these websites is this one: 

https://www.oxfordhealth.nhs.uk/ips/ect-2/what-are-the-side-effects-of-ect/

Then there's also this one:

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-52900074

And I mean, I would find several more, if I would just search. I wouldn't even need to search deeper or hours or anything. It would take only couple of minutes. 

But I won't do it now, I think everyone gets the point already.

Just think twice before choosing ECT

I think my main point here is, that you should think twice before choosing ECT treatment. Or even three times. Many people just jump into that treatment, because doctors tell that it's the perfect treatment available, and there won't be any side effects.

And that's what I was told. 

I even asked about the side effects. 

One of the longer term side effect I also got, was muscle pain. And all I got for that, was pain medication. 

Muscle pain for someone who already suffers with chronic pain.

And still, I am telling you, that I am only telling my experience. 

I am NOT saying, that ECT wouldn't help anyone. 

No, because how could I talk in behalf of everyone in the whole world?

I am just saying, that this is what I experienced, I got traumas from that treatment, and I probably won't get my long term memory ever back. And it frustrates me and makes me angry. Especially because doctors are not willing to admit, that my memory issues are caused from the ECT, even though everything started after that.

When I went back to the psych ward, in a worse condition than before, two months after receiving the treatment, I really was disappointed. I thought I would be cured. And I wasn't. I was feeling even worse.

And all I wanted to do, was to do something to myself. 

So for me, it wasn't the magical cure.
No, it was totally the opposite.