Road Back On Track

It's been a year. Year since I experienced frightening moments. Year since I lost the ability to use 1st my left leg and then my right one.  Year since I started long and tough rehabilitation to get back on track. Year since my life truly changed. WTF is happening? A year ago I was at home, minding my own business. Going to sleep. And then, suddenly, I realized my left leg wasn't working right. I couldn't move it on my bed, I couldn't lift it up, and all the toe and heel walking was just impossible. Due to having permanent problems on my back, I knew it could be something serious. Let me say, I didn't get much sleep that night. All I could think was: "WTF is happening?!" I felt like there was something really wrong, but I didn't know what to do. But that was just a start. "You have lost all your reflexes on your left leg, and the other one is weaker as well." In total, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. In two different hospitals, first in an...

M51.1 Lumbar Disc Disorder with Radiculopathy. That is my final diagnose. That is something that I cannot hide, or try to hide with thinking something else. That is in my medical files and records. I can see it all the time, as well as the doctors who are treating me with any other issues. It is there, and it will not just go away. Right now I have given 3-4 months time frame. If my pain will not improve, my doctor is ready to take the risk and try if surgery could give me some relief. At this point, right now, it is too risky to try it. My issue is small, in a medical point of view, and surgery could even make my pain worse. So my doctor wants to be sure, that before seriously considering surgery, we have tried absolutely everything else. I have been told, that if during those months, at any time, I feel my pain will get worse than this, I must see my doctor again.  What does that diagnose basically mean? I was told the same by my doctor as well as the d...

Explaining what chronic pain means to me is not an easy task. It is not easy to share things like this, not even with other chronic pain sufferers, and even harder with those who do not have chronic pain. If you are one of those lucky ones without chronic pain or chronic illness, please stay with me, I am trying to open up here (and people who know me knows, that I do not open up easily). And as said before, it is not an easy thing to do, so if something does not make sense - do not even bother Googling it, because you will not find my feelings from there - read it again, think more deeply, and if it still does not make sense, just skip it. Or send me a message, throw me a comment or whatever. You can even try to send me smoke signals - might take a couple of times to find the right wind direction, etc, but never give up, right? ;) #throwback I did not born with chronic pain. I think that is not even possible. I was a healthy baby. And I was a healthy kid until I started trac...

"I am fine." So damn easy sentence, but do I really mean it when I say or write it? I do, in some ways I do. At the same time, I do not. I do not know how I could explain what this all is about, because at the same time I am fine, but on the other hand, I am very far from being fine. But sometimes I feel like I have to be fine, even though it would mean lying (to myself, and to others) how I actually feel. And as said, it is impossible to explain to anyone, how can I be fine and not fine at the same time. Especially as I do not understand it either. "I would not recommend returning back to hammer throw." "Hammer throw is probably the cause of your issue in the first place." "Returning to it, will not make this go away. It will probably just make it worse with all the twisting."  I hear these all the time. Whenever I see a new doctor, I ask if I have the possibility to get back to hammer throw. And I always get the same answer. T...

The past month has been super stressful, especially the last one or two weeks. I think I've not let myself think about everything through, as I've been going to or from somewhere all the time, without really stopping and letting myself to take a deep breath. I've been successfully avoided my own feelings, and in some way bottled it all up and inside myself. The smile I've had, has made me, even by myself, to believe that I'm all good. When in fact, all the time, there has been a feeling inside, that something is not right. I'm not feeling the way I should. For all this time, since I quit the farm work, I have not only felt weird mentally, but also physically. The pain which was already better, went significantly worse during the farming. And unfortunately, I made the decision to continue at the moment, I should've already quit. Hide it with a smile And the scary thing is, that for over 2 weeks, I was able to hide all the physical symptoms, ...

I am easily adaptable to new places, but after few of the most recent incidents and moving from the place A to B and from B to C and now thinking in the C, where the heck I have come, I have started to think if this is really what I want. Do I really want to experience shit treatment from farmers and hostel owners, who seem like not giving a fuck if everyone gets a job or not caring what happens on the farm. It is like " what happens on the farm, stays on the farm. " Backpackers go to the hostels to get a job they were promised to have, and when they arrive, they might need to wait even a month to start working. But I am also not a person who gives up, in fact, those who know me (personally or online) are probably very well aware, that I am the last person to give up. I am the one who keeps going even at the moment giving up would, in fact, be a better option. BUT as I wrote before, some of the recent things that have happened have made me think this a little more. It...