Road Back On Track

You think mental illness is all about sleeping 24/7? Crying for no reason? Just being negative and unhappy? You think it is about not having the energy to do anything and just laying on the bed, miserable. It is not. Mental illness(es) is a wide concept, where symptoms vary from person to person. Some people, someone like me, actually gets emotion spikes, where one week I have super energetic days (not in a good way), those days when I do not really care about anything, I just need to move all the time. Cannot stop, it is just something I must do, going from place a to b, and from b to c, and from there maybe from c to d before I can get back to the place a. Going for a run middle of the night? Yeah, why not. Or going to run when it is raining and dark? Yeah, what would be a better time to do so? Getting to the gym at 4am and being out somewhere until 10pm with no sleep? Yeah, no problem at all. Speeding on the road and doing so risking your own life? Yeah, who car...

It has taken me a long time to decide if I am going to write about this or not. It has felt so silly, something so small, and at the same something a little bit even selfish. When someone thinks about their biggest fear, it is usually something like “my family to get seriously ill”, or “death” or something like that.  And yes, I am also afraid of those, but for some reason, I have realized, it is unnecessary to be afraid of something you cannot do anything about.  You cannot avoid someone getting seriously ill, you cannot magically cure anyone’s sickness.  Maybe because I have lost someone very close to me, who survived seven different cancer during her lifetime, has made me realize, that whatever the sickness is, it is possible to survive. Or if not, it is always possible to stay positive. But still, even if I am saying like this, the biggest fear I have, is that my back gets worse. I know, I know, this sounds so silly. Especially after what I just wrote....

Last week I had to face one of my biggest fear; I had to go to the ER with my chronic pain. Yes, that sounds so simple, something no one should be afraid of. But I am, and I know there are a lot of others with chronic illnesses who knows this fear. It gives me huge anxiety. The idea of going to the ER is just a huge "no, no" to me. And it honestly takes a lot, plenty of people telling me that I have to go, me convincing to myself that I have to go and that my issue is worthy of the ER visit. That is what it took this time as well, and I know that if I would have gone earlier, I would have made my life easier. I did not wait a couple of hours, in fact, I waited for a couple of days. But I faced my fear because that is how desperate I was. Scared as fuck, in so much pain that I just could not handle it alone anymore. Just a flare-up I am relieved, that it was once again just one big flare-up. It was my body's way to not only tell me to slow down, but also make me...