Road Back On Track

ECT treatment - my experience I am here to tell you about MY ECT treatment experience. Which I got in 2022.  ECT stands for electroconvulsive therapy. I just don't get the "therapy" part here, and it will (hopefully) become clear as we go further..) I don't want to dismiss those people's experience who have gotten real help from it, but I want to tell MY experience.  And even though some people have told me I shouldn't do it, because it scares others.  I shouldn't tell it, because others might not then choose it and it could be lifesaving for them... etc.  But I think I should. And I think I can, and I am as rightful as those who write positive experiences about it, to write about my experience. How it all started with ECT I got ECT treatment in 2022.  So it's has been a while, and in fact, I started writing this already in 2023, but never finished it, and never published it. But now it's time for that.  ECT treatment destroyed my memory. Completel...

If you have followed my journey with mental health illnesses, such as anxiety disorder and bipolar 2, then you know, that I've been in a psychiatric hospital before as well.  Note! This post contains material that could be triggering some people! Well, I am here again , in a psychiatric hospital, voluntarily, no one forced me to come here, but I decided it by myself I have a therapist, and before I went to the hospital I called her, crying, and she actually was the one suggesting me to go to the hospital immediately, and preferably not alone. The next step was calling my mom, again crying, that I need a drive to the psychiatric ER.  As I was sitting in the car I was thinking how did I end up in this situation again, it was hard not to blame myself, and it is still hard. I had a sick leave because of work-related burnout, but now that I think that more, I see that maybe it wasn't burnout, maybe all along it was just severe depression. As it is now. I am having a severe depre...

A year ago this time I was in a psychiatric hospital. I sat there with a psychiatrist and psychiatric nurse, as well as my mom. Talking about why I was there and what should be done when I would get out. It was my own decision to go there, no one forced me, I decided it and I needed it. Huge trigger warning! Suicidality, mental health crisis, etc. I am here today, much because of that night I went there. I am here now to write about world mental health day that was almost a week ago (on Saturday). Just imagine, without the short hospitalization, I would not probably be here. As cruel as the fact is, it is a must to write about. Desperation The hopelessness, suicidality, the need to escape mental pain with hurting myself physically, thoughts of killing myself, not being able to cry anymore, having no emotions, the constant need to be alone. Those were the things I had in my mind all the time. Constantly. Driving off the cliff, driving towards a wall, jumping off a cliff. Just doing some...

It's been a year. Year since I experienced frightening moments. Year since I lost the ability to use 1st my left leg and then my right one.  Year since I started long and tough rehabilitation to get back on track. Year since my life truly changed. WTF is happening? A year ago I was at home, minding my own business. Going to sleep. And then, suddenly, I realized my left leg wasn't working right. I couldn't move it on my bed, I couldn't lift it up, and all the toe and heel walking was just impossible. Due to having permanent problems on my back, I knew it could be something serious. Let me say, I didn't get much sleep that night. All I could think was: "WTF is happening?!" I felt like there was something really wrong, but I didn't know what to do. But that was just a start. "You have lost all your reflexes on your left leg, and the other one is weaker as well." In total, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. In two different hospitals, first in an...

So how does it feel like to lose hope? To lose the willpower to live? To feel too tired to get up in the morning? To just feel exhausted? It has been a few months since my last post (in fact more than just a few months). I could list probably hundreds of different reasons why I have not posted anything. But there is just one real reason, and it is, taking care of my mental health. While writing has always been my way to tell about everything, I realized that all my thoughts were so messed up in my mind, that writing was literally impossible. I even had a short break from social media, because I just did not know what to write. And I also had to think about what I want to share, and what I want to keep to myself. For a short time, I thought I will turn my Instagram to private and not post about everything. But then I realized, that it helps me, and maybe it could help someone else as well. Getting diagnosed At the end of September, I was diagnosed with major depression , alon...

September is an international pain awareness month; Did you know that? We all have experienced pain in our lives, I am sure about it. Physical pain, mental pain, anything. Pain from one single small paper cut, pain from stepping on the Lego, pain from sprains and strains. Pain from accidents, or pain from losing a loved one. But some of us, in fact, millions of us around the world, experience pain every day. Not only every day but every hour, every minute and every single damn second. And most of us, have been told: “Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do more.” We take medications every day to be able to even try to live like we once used to. We go to work, we go to the gym, we see our friends, we go shopping, and some days we do nothing at all. We have lost friends along the way, we have lost the things we used to do, we have lost trust too many people, we have been seen as drug seekers at the hospital, we have been demanding to be taken seriously, we have be...

It is almost end of the year - well there is still Christmas before New Years, but because I am going to spend next 3 weeks (from Thursday) with my parents, I will take a break from blogging and be back the first week of January. ;) It is time to recall what happened in 2018. Sports My back problem basically destroyed all the sportive dreams I had for the year 2018. The dream, that I would throw at least 50m and compete in Finnish Championships was a totally realistic dream, as well as my dream to get a blue belt in Taekwon-Do. But because of my back issue, my dreams never came true. And it all put me down so much, that I started to live a very unhealthy life. More about that later. Since I was not able to do what I would have wanted to do, I decided to do something else. I tried new sports, I even went to cross-country skiing after not doing it for over 10 years. I did some running (yeah, really), and I also did some coaching in TKD - and maybe involved myself a little too mu...