Road Back On Track

It's been a year. Year since I experienced frightening moments. Year since I lost the ability to use 1st my left leg and then my right one.  Year since I started long and tough rehabilitation to get back on track. Year since my life truly changed. WTF is happening? A year ago I was at home, minding my own business. Going to sleep. And then, suddenly, I realized my left leg wasn't working right. I couldn't move it on my bed, I couldn't lift it up, and all the toe and heel walking was just impossible. Due to having permanent problems on my back, I knew it could be something serious. Let me say, I didn't get much sleep that night. All I could think was: "WTF is happening?!" I felt like there was something really wrong, but I didn't know what to do. But that was just a start. "You have lost all your reflexes on your left leg, and the other one is weaker as well." In total, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. In two different hospitals, first in an...

"I never thought, that one day I would reach out for mental health struggles.  But the same way, I never thought, that I would one day have chronic pain." I think that sentence describes everything perfectly. Right now, right at this moment. Living with constant pain is not only about pain. The longer there is a pain, sooner or later, it will start to affect everything else as well. Mental health as number one. There are thousands, or even millions (who even knows the actual number) who have even ended their own life because of chronic pain and the lack of proper pain management. A thing not to joke about. Mental health struggles are becoming more and more acceptable around the world, but still, it is a taboo. It should not be a taboo, people should not be afraid of telling they are struggling mentally. We have to be able to talk about it, share information and be more accepting. The best way to do this is through the people who are middle of everything. The on...

Explaining what chronic pain means to me is not an easy task. It is not easy to share things like this, not even with other chronic pain sufferers, and even harder with those who do not have chronic pain. If you are one of those lucky ones without chronic pain or chronic illness, please stay with me, I am trying to open up here (and people who know me knows, that I do not open up easily). And as said before, it is not an easy thing to do, so if something does not make sense - do not even bother Googling it, because you will not find my feelings from there - read it again, think more deeply, and if it still does not make sense, just skip it. Or send me a message, throw me a comment or whatever. You can even try to send me smoke signals - might take a couple of times to find the right wind direction, etc, but never give up, right? ;) #throwback I did not born with chronic pain. I think that is not even possible. I was a healthy baby. And I was a healthy kid until I started trac...

It has taken me a long time to get to this point, to the point where I can honestly say, that whatever happens, I am not going to give up on my dreams. And I know there are people who do not understand this and might never understand. I am not blaming them. If you do not get it, maybe you are a person who has never had a setback, or maybe you have given up chasing your dreams after setback, maybe you have never experienced real dedication and want to achieve something. And if you have not, there is no way you could understand. It is OK, maybe one you will understand it all. Back to the point: I will keep coming back I know I have been writing a lot before how I am not sure if I could face any setbacks anymore and fight my way back from there. This just proves that it has not been long ago when I still thought that way. Now I think, that whatever comes on my way, I will be back. I will keep fighting. I will keep coming back. As long as I think something every day, I mu...

It has taken me a long time to decide if I am going to write about this or not. It has felt so silly, something so small, and at the same something a little bit even selfish. When someone thinks about their biggest fear, it is usually something like “my family to get seriously ill”, or “death” or something like that.  And yes, I am also afraid of those, but for some reason, I have realized, it is unnecessary to be afraid of something you cannot do anything about.  You cannot avoid someone getting seriously ill, you cannot magically cure anyone’s sickness.  Maybe because I have lost someone very close to me, who survived seven different cancer during her lifetime, has made me realize, that whatever the sickness is, it is possible to survive. Or if not, it is always possible to stay positive. But still, even if I am saying like this, the biggest fear I have, is that my back gets worse. I know, I know, this sounds so silly. Especially after what I just wrote....

It is my first-week doing farm work. That absolutely glamorous work which for sure is killing my back. Kills everyone's back in fact. If someone does not already know, I am doing it to get the 2nd year visa. It is amazing how far you are able to go only to get one more year in one country. But believe or not, I would have done the farm work anyways (for couple days or so), counting the 88 days or not. Because I think it is a great way getting to know the real Australian work ethics etc. ;) What IF my back gets worse? Every day I am out there at the farm, I surprise myself. Because I never thought, that I would be even able to do that kind of farm work I am now doing. Yes, at the same time I am also very scared to make something structurally worse in my back. I do not even know if that is possible, because I have not received one same answer from any doctors. One says, that there is always a risk to make it worse. The other one says, that because it has not got worse for...