Road Back On Track

For a long time, my mental health diagnosis was severe depression. Months later, after having several different "tests" done and had appointments after appointments, I was diagnosed with bipolarity. It is still classified as "Other bipolarity" because it is still a new diagnosis. I have asked others to tell me their questions about bipolarity and especially my bipolarity, and in this post, I will share those questions with answers. But first, what it means to have  bipolarity ? I can only speak for myself and each and every patient is different. You can't diagnose yourself based on someone's symptoms, because for you, those symptoms might actually be part of your personality. For example, let's say, my sister, she is super active all the time, etc. for her my symptoms are totally normal. But for me, those same symptoms are classified as a hypomanic episode. What is the most common misunderstanding about bipolarity? In my situation, in my life, I have see...

You think mental illness is all about sleeping 24/7? Crying for no reason? Just being negative and unhappy? You think it is about not having the energy to do anything and just laying on the bed, miserable. It is not. Mental illness(es) is a wide concept, where symptoms vary from person to person. Some people, someone like me, actually gets emotion spikes, where one week I have super energetic days (not in a good way), those days when I do not really care about anything, I just need to move all the time. Cannot stop, it is just something I must do, going from place a to b, and from b to c, and from there maybe from c to d before I can get back to the place a. Going for a run middle of the night? Yeah, why not. Or going to run when it is raining and dark? Yeah, what would be a better time to do so? Getting to the gym at 4am and being out somewhere until 10pm with no sleep? Yeah, no problem at all. Speeding on the road and doing so risking your own life? Yeah, who car...

M51.1 Lumbar Disc Disorder with Radiculopathy. That is my final diagnose. That is something that I cannot hide, or try to hide with thinking something else. That is in my medical files and records. I can see it all the time, as well as the doctors who are treating me with any other issues. It is there, and it will not just go away. Right now I have given 3-4 months time frame. If my pain will not improve, my doctor is ready to take the risk and try if surgery could give me some relief. At this point, right now, it is too risky to try it. My issue is small, in a medical point of view, and surgery could even make my pain worse. So my doctor wants to be sure, that before seriously considering surgery, we have tried absolutely everything else. I have been told, that if during those months, at any time, I feel my pain will get worse than this, I must see my doctor again.  What does that diagnose basically mean? I was told the same by my doctor as well as the d...

Explaining what chronic pain means to me is not an easy task. It is not easy to share things like this, not even with other chronic pain sufferers, and even harder with those who do not have chronic pain. If you are one of those lucky ones without chronic pain or chronic illness, please stay with me, I am trying to open up here (and people who know me knows, that I do not open up easily). And as said before, it is not an easy thing to do, so if something does not make sense - do not even bother Googling it, because you will not find my feelings from there - read it again, think more deeply, and if it still does not make sense, just skip it. Or send me a message, throw me a comment or whatever. You can even try to send me smoke signals - might take a couple of times to find the right wind direction, etc, but never give up, right? ;) #throwback I did not born with chronic pain. I think that is not even possible. I was a healthy baby. And I was a healthy kid until I started trac...

"I am fine." So damn easy sentence, but do I really mean it when I say or write it? I do, in some ways I do. At the same time, I do not. I do not know how I could explain what this all is about, because at the same time I am fine, but on the other hand, I am very far from being fine. But sometimes I feel like I have to be fine, even though it would mean lying (to myself, and to others) how I actually feel. And as said, it is impossible to explain to anyone, how can I be fine and not fine at the same time. Especially as I do not understand it either. "I would not recommend returning back to hammer throw." "Hammer throw is probably the cause of your issue in the first place." "Returning to it, will not make this go away. It will probably just make it worse with all the twisting."  I hear these all the time. Whenever I see a new doctor, I ask if I have the possibility to get back to hammer throw. And I always get the same answer. T...

New Year, New Me. I am back, and my parents are back in Finland. :'( -- sad emoji for them, because it is cold and dark in Finland at the moment. I truly enjoy staying here, no need to find a warm jacket.  I am back stressing myself out about everything.  Just joking.  At least mostly. 2017 NYE Resolutions As said before, 2018 changed me. The change was only positive.  But I have to make it clear, that the change was not my plan. I did not make any " New Year, New Me." NYE resolution. In fact, I had only two resolutions. 1. Start eating healthier. --> done. 2. Turn every stone there is to find a way to get my pain away. --> hahah, good joke. That person, year ago, was not able to face the truth yet. The truth, that there is always a slight possibility, that the answer is not a cure.   I did not want to believe, that in addition to everything else, I would also have pain for the rest of my life. Who 21 year old would want that...

What it feels like to have symptoms where doctors cannot find any explanation? When one issue from almost 3 weeks ago, become a new mystery. The symptoms and especially the pain, which comes and goes, but is basically all the time there, and therefore interferes with normal life. You start to question yourself. Even though you know, that the symptoms are real, that the pain is real. You still, at some point, will start to think, that maybe you are the one who is imaging it. What if it is not real? What if it is all in your head? Unfortunately, there is still a lot of unexplained illnesses in the world, diseases where doctors do not have any name yet. And that is the reason why at some point, the people with mysterious symptoms should just accept the truth. Truth, that also in the medical field, the " I do not know " exists. It does not mean that you should quit searching, quit finding answers. But it means, that instead of thinking " what is causing my symptoms? ...