Road Back On Track

For a long time, my mental health diagnosis was severe depression. Months later, after having several different "tests" done and had appointments after appointments, I was diagnosed with bipolarity. It is still classified as "Other bipolarity" because it is still a new diagnosis. I have asked others to tell me their questions about bipolarity and especially my bipolarity, and in this post, I will share those questions with answers. But first, what it means to have  bipolarity ? I can only speak for myself and each and every patient is different. You can't diagnose yourself based on someone's symptoms, because for you, those symptoms might actually be part of your personality. For example, let's say, my sister, she is super active all the time, etc. for her my symptoms are totally normal. But for me, those same symptoms are classified as a hypomanic episode. What is the most common misunderstanding about bipolarity? In my situation, in my life, I have see...

You think mental illness is all about sleeping 24/7? Crying for no reason? Just being negative and unhappy? You think it is about not having the energy to do anything and just laying on the bed, miserable. It is not. Mental illness(es) is a wide concept, where symptoms vary from person to person. Some people, someone like me, actually gets emotion spikes, where one week I have super energetic days (not in a good way), those days when I do not really care about anything, I just need to move all the time. Cannot stop, it is just something I must do, going from place a to b, and from b to c, and from there maybe from c to d before I can get back to the place a. Going for a run middle of the night? Yeah, why not. Or going to run when it is raining and dark? Yeah, what would be a better time to do so? Getting to the gym at 4am and being out somewhere until 10pm with no sleep? Yeah, no problem at all. Speeding on the road and doing so risking your own life? Yeah, who car...

"I never thought, that one day I would reach out for mental health struggles.  But the same way, I never thought, that I would one day have chronic pain." I think that sentence describes everything perfectly. Right now, right at this moment. Living with constant pain is not only about pain. The longer there is a pain, sooner or later, it will start to affect everything else as well. Mental health as number one. There are thousands, or even millions (who even knows the actual number) who have even ended their own life because of chronic pain and the lack of proper pain management. A thing not to joke about. Mental health struggles are becoming more and more acceptable around the world, but still, it is a taboo. It should not be a taboo, people should not be afraid of telling they are struggling mentally. We have to be able to talk about it, share information and be more accepting. The best way to do this is through the people who are middle of everything. The on...

For me, the hardest part of having chronic pain is how unpredictable it is. It is like having a constant battle with the pain. One day I am totally fine, the next I might not be. Another part is, that the chronic pain is usually invisible, and someone like me, who have the strong "I can survive alone" attitude, others rarely know how I feel, what I have in my mind etc. I might have days, weeks, or even months when my pain is at a very low level, as minimal as possible. It is always there, but when it reaches a number near 0, I might not even notice it anymore. I have had those times now more than ever before. I am super happy about that. And then, all of sudden, something triggers my pain and it flares. The scary part of any flare-up is, that I never know how long it lasts. It can last just a few hours, or it can last days. Or even weeks, and or a month. And when I get flare, I always end up thinking if I could have done anything differently to avoid it. At that mome...

I would love to write about something positive, but I am currently facing a new kind of pain. New kind of health issues, and therefore I will skip the rainbows and butterflies and just tell what is going on right now. And I promise, that more positive posts are on its way. I have some drafts written already, the only thing I need to do is just finish those drafts. And for that, I just do not have enough energy. I need the more positive and energetic myself back before I can continue with those ones. My last few posts have already told a little bit about the story of what is going on. To be honest, being in the hospital was the easiest part. Even though I was not able to eat for 50h. Since I got home from the hospital I have had so low energy levels that I am literally sleeping all the time. I am in constant pain, and I am using medications which makes me tired. Makes me nauseous, but which are also lifesavers, as with those I have reduced pain. And to be honest, yesterday I tr...

I admit it, I am tired of being tired. I am tired of searching for answers, I am tired of the pain. I am just tired. If I would be able to change my body, I would do it any day. The biggest thing I have learned during the past few days: Do not ever take food and eating for granted. Never. I went back to the ER on Wednesday evening, and I was not able to eat anything for almost 50h. I tried to eat, but the pain after eating was just something terrible. And the pain is still terrible after eating, but I am not able to keep going without eating. The situation was same with drinking, I could not drink anything, doctors were worried I would get dehydrated, so I got fluids via IV. I have not been able to sleep properly since Tuesday-Wednesday night. Last night I slept maybe 3h, the night before that same (or even less). And I see some very vivid dreams because of the pain and medications - those dreams feel very real, it is a weird feeling. I was sent home from the hospita...

I fight for my dreams 24/7, 365 days a year, every minute, second, an hour. I try to stay positive, never give up for my dreams. But sometimes I fail, sometimes I do not feel anything else than miserable. I have those days when I feel like nothing is going to work. Those days, when I return to my old bad habits and later regret. Those moments are the worst, the moments when I start to doubt myself, my abilities, my strength. These moments usually come hand in hand, at the time pain is worse, or I am bedridden because of something so simple as flu. It always reminds me, how important it is not to take anything for granted. Life happens, shit happens, and usually, you cannot predict what happens - it just happens. Rehabilitation  When I have an injury, I always see a physiotherapist. Or someone, who can help me to get back on track because I know myself. I know without someone like that, I would just make everything worse. I have had hundreds of physiotherapy sessions, I have...