Road Back On Track

You think mental illness is all about sleeping 24/7? Crying for no reason? Just being negative and unhappy? You think it is about not having the energy to do anything and just laying on the bed, miserable. It is not. Mental illness(es) is a wide concept, where symptoms vary from person to person. Some people, someone like me, actually gets emotion spikes, where one week I have super energetic days (not in a good way), those days when I do not really care about anything, I just need to move all the time. Cannot stop, it is just something I must do, going from place a to b, and from b to c, and from there maybe from c to d before I can get back to the place a. Going for a run middle of the night? Yeah, why not. Or going to run when it is raining and dark? Yeah, what would be a better time to do so? Getting to the gym at 4am and being out somewhere until 10pm with no sleep? Yeah, no problem at all. Speeding on the road and doing so risking your own life? Yeah, who car...

September is an international pain awareness month; Did you know that? We all have experienced pain in our lives, I am sure about it. Physical pain, mental pain, anything. Pain from one single small paper cut, pain from stepping on the Lego, pain from sprains and strains. Pain from accidents, or pain from losing a loved one. But some of us, in fact, millions of us around the world, experience pain every day. Not only every day but every hour, every minute and every single damn second. And most of us, have been told: “Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do more.” We take medications every day to be able to even try to live like we once used to. We go to work, we go to the gym, we see our friends, we go shopping, and some days we do nothing at all. We have lost friends along the way, we have lost the things we used to do, we have lost trust too many people, we have been seen as drug seekers at the hospital, we have been demanding to be taken seriously, we have be...

"I am fine." So damn easy sentence, but do I really mean it when I say or write it? I do, in some ways I do. At the same time, I do not. I do not know how I could explain what this all is about, because at the same time I am fine, but on the other hand, I am very far from being fine. But sometimes I feel like I have to be fine, even though it would mean lying (to myself, and to others) how I actually feel. And as said, it is impossible to explain to anyone, how can I be fine and not fine at the same time. Especially as I do not understand it either. "I would not recommend returning back to hammer throw." "Hammer throw is probably the cause of your issue in the first place." "Returning to it, will not make this go away. It will probably just make it worse with all the twisting."  I hear these all the time. Whenever I see a new doctor, I ask if I have the possibility to get back to hammer throw. And I always get the same answer. T...

Have you ever had the feeling that you want to give up? You have a huge dream, but you feel like you cannot get it, that always something goes wrong, and you are just done with trying again. Done with trying " one more time ". Have you ever been writing messages to your coach about how you just want to give up, that you are done? But never sending those, because there has been a little hope somewhere, and sending the message has felt too hard to send? Have you ever been crying in your bed and thinking you should give up, but at the same time thinking, that what if you give up now, and then regret later? I have had all of those thoughts in my head. And that is why I am writing this. So that if some other athlete, or anyone, is thinking, that giving up own dream would be the best decision, maybe they could think again. Think again, even though you would have thought it already so many times. Moments of giving up I was in a really bad place first in 2014-2015. The t...

I would love to write about something positive, but I am currently facing a new kind of pain. New kind of health issues, and therefore I will skip the rainbows and butterflies and just tell what is going on right now. And I promise, that more positive posts are on its way. I have some drafts written already, the only thing I need to do is just finish those drafts. And for that, I just do not have enough energy. I need the more positive and energetic myself back before I can continue with those ones. My last few posts have already told a little bit about the story of what is going on. To be honest, being in the hospital was the easiest part. Even though I was not able to eat for 50h. Since I got home from the hospital I have had so low energy levels that I am literally sleeping all the time. I am in constant pain, and I am using medications which makes me tired. Makes me nauseous, but which are also lifesavers, as with those I have reduced pain. And to be honest, yesterday I tr...

I admit it, I am tired of being tired. I am tired of searching for answers, I am tired of the pain. I am just tired. If I would be able to change my body, I would do it any day. The biggest thing I have learned during the past few days: Do not ever take food and eating for granted. Never. I went back to the ER on Wednesday evening, and I was not able to eat anything for almost 50h. I tried to eat, but the pain after eating was just something terrible. And the pain is still terrible after eating, but I am not able to keep going without eating. The situation was same with drinking, I could not drink anything, doctors were worried I would get dehydrated, so I got fluids via IV. I have not been able to sleep properly since Tuesday-Wednesday night. Last night I slept maybe 3h, the night before that same (or even less). And I see some very vivid dreams because of the pain and medications - those dreams feel very real, it is a weird feeling. I was sent home from the hospita...

It is not easy to keep the motivation alive when there is a setback. Especially if there have been a lot of setbacks lately. I have had times when my motivation has been round zero, but somehow it has been possible to find the motivation again. It needs only one good thing to start building the motivation back piece by piece. But during the time when the motivation is still growing back, it is also super easy to lose the track. And when the growing part is still growing, just one small thing can change the route completely. It is easy to lose the whole motivation again, especially if there is not yet the real new passion for doing it. It will not get easy Experiencing setback will never get easy. Having to rush to the ER, will never get easy Explaining the unbearable pain to doctors will never get easy. You might think, that people with chronic pain get used to it, and yes, in some ways you are right. But at the moment the pain gets worse for a longer period, and/or is ac...

It is national pain week in Australia!  Awareness week for those who do not live with chronic pain, and who does not know the daily struggles accompanied with it. And for those, like me, who are unlucky enough to live 24/7, 365 days in a year, with a pain. The week when it is time to really tell the world how we, living with pain, are feeling. Showing the truth with ups and downs, so that instead of assuming, people would take a second to even try to understand, that everything is not like they see it.  The fact, that chronic pain is more than often invisible, makes it even harder to explain to others. Easier to walk to the bus with crutches and get the seat. Rather than walking to the bus without anything and hoping that someone would see the struggle.  Note ! I am not saying, that visible illnesses always get the “attention” because I know, that is not reality. I understand, that it might be hard to understand how in one moment I am perfectly fine, an...