Road Back On Track

If you have followed my journey with mental health illnesses, such as anxiety disorder and bipolar 2, then you know, that I've been in a psychiatric hospital before as well.  Note! This post contains material that could be triggering some people! Well, I am here again , in a psychiatric hospital, voluntarily, no one forced me to come here, but I decided it by myself I have a therapist, and before I went to the hospital I called her, crying, and she actually was the one suggesting me to go to the hospital immediately, and preferably not alone. The next step was calling my mom, again crying, that I need a drive to the psychiatric ER.  As I was sitting in the car I was thinking how did I end up in this situation again, it was hard not to blame myself, and it is still hard. I had a sick leave because of work-related burnout, but now that I think that more, I see that maybe it wasn't burnout, maybe all along it was just severe depression. As it is now. I am having a severe depre...

"When my bipolar is starting to show the signs of depression, it makes me think I'm less worthy than others. Because I have an illness, a lifetime illness that requires lifetime medication. Even when everything is going well."  From the outside, depression might be seen as laziness, sadness, and unproductivity. Usually, you can't even see someone having depression, or depressive episode going on. Because we usually keep smiling and keep going as long as we can. Often we keep on going too long. But from the inside , there are so many feelings, actions, and ways to see life at that moment. Exhausted, not being able to get up from bed and shower.  Feeling nothing. Nothing at all. Or everything at once.  Crying out loud or not being able to cry at all.  Want to sleep all day long. Waking up in the middle of the night or sleeping around the clock with no problem at all.  Lack of self-care. As said, showering makes you tired but also it loses the importance of doing...

I am going to reveal a secret from my life! ;) The real reason why I take selfies after (literally) all my workouts, is not only that I am so freaking happy after the workout, and that I want to take selfies... I mean those are part of the reason. But the biggest reason is, that those pics are for me to see my progress. And those pics are there for me to look at if I start to doubt. If I ever start to think something like " What if I cannot get back to Taekwon-Do and hammer throw? " or " why am I even doing this? " Those are the moments when I just open my phone, look those pics, and remember why I started, and why I have not given up after any of my setbacks. Looking those pics also reminds me, that I have been able to get back on track after a long injury, not only once, but twice. The first one was my shoulder injury, surgery and some aftermaths from the surgery. The whole rehabilitation took over 4 years (2012-2016), and at the moment I decided " th...

I would love to write about something positive, but I am currently facing a new kind of pain. New kind of health issues, and therefore I will skip the rainbows and butterflies and just tell what is going on right now. And I promise, that more positive posts are on its way. I have some drafts written already, the only thing I need to do is just finish those drafts. And for that, I just do not have enough energy. I need the more positive and energetic myself back before I can continue with those ones. My last few posts have already told a little bit about the story of what is going on. To be honest, being in the hospital was the easiest part. Even though I was not able to eat for 50h. Since I got home from the hospital I have had so low energy levels that I am literally sleeping all the time. I am in constant pain, and I am using medications which makes me tired. Makes me nauseous, but which are also lifesavers, as with those I have reduced pain. And to be honest, yesterday I tr...