Road Back On Track

If you have followed my journey with mental health illnesses, such as anxiety disorder and bipolar 2, then you know, that I've been in a psychiatric hospital before as well.  Note! This post contains material that could be triggering some people! Well, I am here again , in a psychiatric hospital, voluntarily, no one forced me to come here, but I decided it by myself I have a therapist, and before I went to the hospital I called her, crying, and she actually was the one suggesting me to go to the hospital immediately, and preferably not alone. The next step was calling my mom, again crying, that I need a drive to the psychiatric ER.  As I was sitting in the car I was thinking how did I end up in this situation again, it was hard not to blame myself, and it is still hard. I had a sick leave because of work-related burnout, but now that I think that more, I see that maybe it wasn't burnout, maybe all along it was just severe depression. As it is now. I am having a severe depre...

"When my bipolar is starting to show the signs of depression, it makes me think I'm less worthy than others. Because I have an illness, a lifetime illness that requires lifetime medication. Even when everything is going well."  From the outside, depression might be seen as laziness, sadness, and unproductivity. Usually, you can't even see someone having depression, or depressive episode going on. Because we usually keep smiling and keep going as long as we can. Often we keep on going too long. But from the inside , there are so many feelings, actions, and ways to see life at that moment. Exhausted, not being able to get up from bed and shower.  Feeling nothing. Nothing at all. Or everything at once.  Crying out loud or not being able to cry at all.  Want to sleep all day long. Waking up in the middle of the night or sleeping around the clock with no problem at all.  Lack of self-care. As said, showering makes you tired but also it loses the importance of doing...

A year ago this time I was in a psychiatric hospital. I sat there with a psychiatrist and psychiatric nurse, as well as my mom. Talking about why I was there and what should be done when I would get out. It was my own decision to go there, no one forced me, I decided it and I needed it. Huge trigger warning! Suicidality, mental health crisis, etc. I am here today, much because of that night I went there. I am here now to write about world mental health day that was almost a week ago (on Saturday). Just imagine, without the short hospitalization, I would not probably be here. As cruel as the fact is, it is a must to write about. Desperation The hopelessness, suicidality, the need to escape mental pain with hurting myself physically, thoughts of killing myself, not being able to cry anymore, having no emotions, the constant need to be alone. Those were the things I had in my mind all the time. Constantly. Driving off the cliff, driving towards a wall, jumping off a cliff. Just doing some...

For a long time, my mental health diagnosis was severe depression. Months later, after having several different "tests" done and had appointments after appointments, I was diagnosed with bipolarity. It is still classified as "Other bipolarity" because it is still a new diagnosis. I have asked others to tell me their questions about bipolarity and especially my bipolarity, and in this post, I will share those questions with answers. But first, what it means to have  bipolarity ? I can only speak for myself and each and every patient is different. You can't diagnose yourself based on someone's symptoms, because for you, those symptoms might actually be part of your personality. For example, let's say, my sister, she is super active all the time, etc. for her my symptoms are totally normal. But for me, those same symptoms are classified as a hypomanic episode. What is the most common misunderstanding about bipolarity? In my situation, in my life, I have see...