Road Back On Track

M51.1 Lumbar Disc Disorder with Radiculopathy. That is my final diagnose. That is something that I cannot hide, or try to hide with thinking something else. That is in my medical files and records. I can see it all the time, as well as the doctors who are treating me with any other issues. It is there, and it will not just go away. Right now I have given 3-4 months time frame. If my pain will not improve, my doctor is ready to take the risk and try if surgery could give me some relief. At this point, right now, it is too risky to try it. My issue is small, in a medical point of view, and surgery could even make my pain worse. So my doctor wants to be sure, that before seriously considering surgery, we have tried absolutely everything else. I have been told, that if during those months, at any time, I feel my pain will get worse than this, I must see my doctor again.  What does that diagnose basically mean? I was told the same by my doctor as well as the d...

"I am fine." So damn easy sentence, but do I really mean it when I say or write it? I do, in some ways I do. At the same time, I do not. I do not know how I could explain what this all is about, because at the same time I am fine, but on the other hand, I am very far from being fine. But sometimes I feel like I have to be fine, even though it would mean lying (to myself, and to others) how I actually feel. And as said, it is impossible to explain to anyone, how can I be fine and not fine at the same time. Especially as I do not understand it either. "I would not recommend returning back to hammer throw." "Hammer throw is probably the cause of your issue in the first place." "Returning to it, will not make this go away. It will probably just make it worse with all the twisting."  I hear these all the time. Whenever I see a new doctor, I ask if I have the possibility to get back to hammer throw. And I always get the same answer. T...

The past month has been super stressful, especially the last one or two weeks. I think I've not let myself think about everything through, as I've been going to or from somewhere all the time, without really stopping and letting myself to take a deep breath. I've been successfully avoided my own feelings, and in some way bottled it all up and inside myself. The smile I've had, has made me, even by myself, to believe that I'm all good. When in fact, all the time, there has been a feeling inside, that something is not right. I'm not feeling the way I should. For all this time, since I quit the farm work, I have not only felt weird mentally, but also physically. The pain which was already better, went significantly worse during the farming. And unfortunately, I made the decision to continue at the moment, I should've already quit. Hide it with a smile And the scary thing is, that for over 2 weeks, I was able to hide all the physical symptoms, ...

It has taken me a long time to decide if I am going to write about this or not. It has felt so silly, something so small, and at the same something a little bit even selfish. When someone thinks about their biggest fear, it is usually something like “my family to get seriously ill”, or “death” or something like that.  And yes, I am also afraid of those, but for some reason, I have realized, it is unnecessary to be afraid of something you cannot do anything about.  You cannot avoid someone getting seriously ill, you cannot magically cure anyone’s sickness.  Maybe because I have lost someone very close to me, who survived seven different cancer during her lifetime, has made me realize, that whatever the sickness is, it is possible to survive. Or if not, it is always possible to stay positive. But still, even if I am saying like this, the biggest fear I have, is that my back gets worse. I know, I know, this sounds so silly. Especially after what I just wrote....

Last week I had to face one of my biggest fear; I had to go to the ER with my chronic pain. Yes, that sounds so simple, something no one should be afraid of. But I am, and I know there are a lot of others with chronic illnesses who knows this fear. It gives me huge anxiety. The idea of going to the ER is just a huge "no, no" to me. And it honestly takes a lot, plenty of people telling me that I have to go, me convincing to myself that I have to go and that my issue is worthy of the ER visit. That is what it took this time as well, and I know that if I would have gone earlier, I would have made my life easier. I did not wait a couple of hours, in fact, I waited for a couple of days. But I faced my fear because that is how desperate I was. Scared as fuck, in so much pain that I just could not handle it alone anymore. Just a flare-up I am relieved, that it was once again just one big flare-up. It was my body's way to not only tell me to slow down, but also make me...