Road Back On Track

It has taken me a long time to get to this point, to the point where I can honestly say, that whatever happens, I am not going to give up on my dreams. And I know there are people who do not understand this and might never understand. I am not blaming them. If you do not get it, maybe you are a person who has never had a setback, or maybe you have given up chasing your dreams after setback, maybe you have never experienced real dedication and want to achieve something. And if you have not, there is no way you could understand. It is OK, maybe one you will understand it all. Back to the point: I will keep coming back I know I have been writing a lot before how I am not sure if I could face any setbacks anymore and fight my way back from there. This just proves that it has not been long ago when I still thought that way. Now I think, that whatever comes on my way, I will be back. I will keep fighting. I will keep coming back. As long as I think something every day, I mu...

Last week I had to face one of my biggest fear; I had to go to the ER with my chronic pain. Yes, that sounds so simple, something no one should be afraid of. But I am, and I know there are a lot of others with chronic illnesses who knows this fear. It gives me huge anxiety. The idea of going to the ER is just a huge "no, no" to me. And it honestly takes a lot, plenty of people telling me that I have to go, me convincing to myself that I have to go and that my issue is worthy of the ER visit. That is what it took this time as well, and I know that if I would have gone earlier, I would have made my life easier. I did not wait a couple of hours, in fact, I waited for a couple of days. But I faced my fear because that is how desperate I was. Scared as fuck, in so much pain that I just could not handle it alone anymore. Just a flare-up I am relieved, that it was once again just one big flare-up. It was my body's way to not only tell me to slow down, but also make me...

"So I am still waiting & hope, that my pain will not celebrate its two years birthday party." Here I am, thinking if I should get a cake or hit a gym harder than ever before. (later added note: I went to the gym). And I ate too much when I came back. I mean too much stuff I should not be eating, but I guess that is better than nothing? It has been exactly 2 years from the day I went to hospital first time with my back. I went there by train. Walked in with own two feet, in pain, but still walked in. And immediately after I told what is going on, I got a wheelchair (which I did not want, btw, if that even matters.) After seeing some nurse, I was sent to a small wardroom, and told, that I will be sent as an emergency patient to MRI. I can remember almost everything what was going on in my head. But what I can remember best, is, that even though I was sending messages to friends, family and my coaches, telling that I am totally OK, I was scared. So freaking scared. ...

Fear of injury. Fear of a heavy weights in snatching (my yesterday's workout just confirmed that the same is in the power clean). Fear of failure. Fear of not giving it all. Fear of not being able to keep it all together. Fear of losing the motivation again. It all comes back to one fact. The fact is, being in the injury cycle for 7 years in a row. Getting used doing training with an injury, knowing that after competition season there will be a longer break. Sometimes it meant having surgery during that break. Sometimes it meant having a rest for at least 2 months. Sometimes it just meant taking it bit slower. And sometimes it was all this together and in addition trying to find out what was going on with endless tests. How to get rid of that mindset? How can I realize, that it is OK to slow down? Because right now I am finally away from that cycle. How could I understand, that if I keep pushing myself all the time, I might end back to that cycle? And then what...

New Year, New Me. I am back, and my parents are back in Finland. :'( -- sad emoji for them, because it is cold and dark in Finland at the moment. I truly enjoy staying here, no need to find a warm jacket.  I am back stressing myself out about everything.  Just joking.  At least mostly. 2017 NYE Resolutions As said before, 2018 changed me. The change was only positive.  But I have to make it clear, that the change was not my plan. I did not make any " New Year, New Me." NYE resolution. In fact, I had only two resolutions. 1. Start eating healthier. --> done. 2. Turn every stone there is to find a way to get my pain away. --> hahah, good joke. That person, year ago, was not able to face the truth yet. The truth, that there is always a slight possibility, that the answer is not a cure.   I did not want to believe, that in addition to everything else, I would also have pain for the rest of my life. Who 21 year old would want that...