Year ago November

It has been a year since my last hospitalization because of my back. A year is a long time, and I have used that year for learning. Learning about myself, my way of doing things, and most importantly learning how to get back on training without making everything worse. Though the learning did not start right away, I had few months where I was just collecting my thoughts and my feelings, I needed that time to make myself see, that there are so many things I still can do.

“When can I get back to hammer throw?”

That was my first question when I met the hospital physiotherapist. And I think it tells something about what the most important thing for me at that time was. At the same time, I knew, deep down, that it would be a long time. But having a physiotherapist and a doctor who tells me, that it all gets better within 6 weeks, and I should be back in any time, did not make it easier. I knew it would not take only 6 weeks, and I made the decision to refuse to believe that. I made the right decision because it has not only taken 6 weeks to get back. It has already been 52 weeks.

Hate-Love

These “anniversary” days/weeks are not easy. I have a hate-love relationship with days/weeks like these, the hate comes from the things I have lost. The hate comes from how I and some others were treated at that hospital. The hate comes from how I was not taken seriously, how the few days before hospitalization made me already lose hope of medical professionals. The hate comes from the fact, that even though I always tell how freaking much I have learned from everything that has happened, it has also taken months away from my life. Months where I could not focus on anything else than pain, doctor appointments, tests, fear, and hopelessness.

On the other hand, the love part comes from the simple fact of how much I have learned. How many lessons everything that has happened has taught me. How I first made the clear decision to just give up my dreams, and then find the courage to continue, and decide, that nothing can stop me. The love comes from the fact, that without this hospitalization a year ago, I would not probably be in Australia now. Which means, that I would have never met these amazing people, I would have never come this far, and I would probably still struggle with my motivation.

Losing myself

But damn, those days in hospital a year ago were not easy.

I was given medications equal to morphine, on my worst days I was taking 5 different medications 3 times a day. The very worst day (or night) I was given medications directly to vein because nothing else helped, the worst breakthrough pain I have ever had.

It involved so much crying, feeling depressed, hopelessness, sadness, the want to give up.

And when I thought that getting home would answer to all my problems, it was not. The home was not the golden road to happiness. Crying, depressed feeling, hopelessness, sadness, giving up, it all continued at home. The pain continued, being unsure about everything continued. I had more tests coming up, more appointments with different doctors, it all made me stressed and worried.

It took me months to somehow recover mentally from everything. To realize, that there is life outside of the sports. I think it is not overreacting to say, that maybe I did have some form of depression for the first few months. Because, after all, I lost something that was a huge part of my life, which I had made, by myself, as my identity. So, when I had to stop training, I lost my identity. I lost myself.

Storytime

I know everyone loves some good stories, so here comes one (I do not know if this is so good though). 

In summer 2017, at the time I was mentally and physically recovering from my very first hospitalization with my back (February), I was back in the home from Singapore, and working again in my regular ice cream summer job. There is that one regular customer who always came to buy ice cream when I was working if I have not been around much lately, he asked either from my workmates or my boss where I was and when I would be back.

He knew I am throwing the hammer, so one day he just came by and asked how my hammer throw is going.

I told him about my back, that I have not done any training for months, and that I am not even sure if I want to continue and try to get back.

He looked me into my eyes, and said: "never give up on your dreams."

And then he told me his story, how in his youth he almost died in an accident during competition in motocross. And how he decided in the hospital, after waking up from a coma, that he will not give up. Against all doctors expectations, he was able to get back to motocross, not only training but also competing. 

After telling me his story, he looked at me and asked 

"Are you really ready to throw away your dreams because of an injury? Don't you want to make that decision on your own, not because of an injury?"

I honestly did not know what to say, and before I even had the opportunity to answer, he continued

"Can you look at me and truthfully say, that you are ready to give up?"

I was not able to do so.

Before he left, he said one more thing: 

"Just please do not give up. I see you have a dream, you enjoy throwing the hammer, and I am sure you will regret if you give up now. Do not only believe your doctors, believe in yourself."

The reason why I remember his words exactly as he said, is because those words came at the moment I was literally typing a message to my hammer throw coach, that I am done. That I will not even try to get back anymore, that I was too tired for all the rehabilitation processes, too tired of the pain.

I was writing that message at the moment that customer came and told his story.

Coincidence or fate? Who knows.

Instead of that message, I made a new one saying "I am ready to fight my way back on track. Will you help me?"

I sent that message after months of not talking anything about getting back to training. After weeks of talking nothing with my coach. All of sudden.

Year later

Now, a year later, I am happy to say, that my motivation is back. My dedication is back, and I have dreams. 

I often write only about my sports, which can make impression, that I would not have anything else in my life, (heh heh maybe that is true, maybe I am living in the gym...), in all the seriousness though, when I was not able to do training, I felt like I did not have any other dreams as well. I had, but I felt like I was not able to do anything for the dreams I had, to get myself closer to my goals.

Now, as I have the workout part of my life somewhat back on track, I also have enough energy and dedication to dream big in other parts in my life as well. So it is not only about sports, but sports keeps me sane (somewhat ;)), not being able to do sports also means, that I have no motivation to do anything else either. 

I am not back in hammer throw nor TKD.
In fact, I still have pain. But that is what chronic pain is. And I am still learning to live with it.
I still hate stopping or skipping training because of pain. But I have started to respect my body more, I am better listening to my body, and I know that "no pain, no gain" does not mean chronic pain. And I know, that if I continue training with pain, I will make it worse, and making it worse does not help me at all in long-term.

But as in workout viewpoint, at the gym, I am doing many exercises better than ever. I enjoy what I am doing, and I love what I am doing. In fact, I could even say, that I have found something to replace hammer throw. At least for now, even I cannot say what happens in future, if I am getting back to hammer throw or not. It is in the future.
Also, I have started to love cardio - yep, that's right. I do not recognize myself anymore. ;)
In fact, I love every workout, I really cannot figure out any workout I would not like. 



Also now, a year later I was also chosen as a member of the month in the gym where I have a membership. Thanks, The Gap Snap Fitness! <3
I would have never been able to come so far without everyone's support. My family, friends, my hammer throw coach, 8-week challenge, this new 10-week challenge, my PT, or anyone else at the gym.

I might not always see how far I have come, but when I see my old pics from the hospital, a year ago, I immediately remember where I was a year ago. Which makes me appreciate where I am now.
I still have moments where I have a lower motivation, usually happens while having a bad flare-up, but I still remember the words what that one customer said. And that could not be more accurate. I will never give up on my dreams. Never.