Major depressive disorder in bipolar 2

If you have followed my journey with mental health illnesses, such as anxiety disorder and bipolar 2, then you know, that I've been in a psychiatric hospital before as well. 


Note! This post contains material that could be triggering some people!

Well, I am here again, in a psychiatric hospital, voluntarily, no one forced me to come here, but I decided it by myself
I have a therapist, and before I went to the hospital I called her, crying, and she actually was the one suggesting me to go to the hospital immediately, and preferably not alone.

The next step was calling my mom, again crying, that I need a drive to the psychiatric ER. 
As I was sitting in the car I was thinking how did I end up in this situation again, it was hard not to blame myself, and it is still hard.


I had a sick leave because of work-related burnout, but now that I think that more, I see that maybe it wasn't burnout, maybe all along it was just severe depression. As it is now. I am having a severe depressive episode, and it is so hard to cope with this, as the last time was in 2019. My anxiety is super high most of the time, especially when I get an anxiety attack. And, at the moment, meds are not really working, so they have made a referral to ketamine infusion. That is a method used to treat the major depressive disorder.

For my anxiety we have tried different kind of methods without using medications. Some of these includes chili candies, cold pack, warm wheat pack, weighted blanket... I love the fact, that I am not forced to use meds to calm my anxiety, but I can try to calm it without meds. I have also tried to distract myself with for example reading a book or watching a movie. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.
But the weighted blanket has been really helpful and I am sleeping so much better with it. 

How? What happened?

But how did I end up in this situation again, where I am treated in hospital for over a week? To be honest, I don't know. And I blame myself a lot. Maybe I had too much work for too long, maybe I should've listened to my body and mind a bit earlier. Or maybe, maybe, it is just part of this illness.

My thoughts are scary, telling me to hurt myself in some way. I am not able to promise myself, or anyone else, that I won't hurt myself when I get out of the hospital. And guess what, that is the reason I am still here. Not being able to go home, because I am not sure how can I cope with the anxiety and my scary thoughts. 

The worst thought was around a few weeks ago when I went for a walk and realized there were no railings along the railway line. And the first thought coming into my mind was, "I could just go there. Just stand there and wait for the train."
And that thought freaked me out, I realized I am again in that deep hole with my depression.

I will survive.

There are so many emotions running in my mind, frustration, sadness, confusion, feeling down...
But there is hope, there is always hope. Right now I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. It's there but I can't reach it. Not because I would never reach it, but it's not yet time for that. I need to get stronger, mentally, to reach that light. And I am trying my best to get stronger again.

7 days in a psychiatric hospital, 7 days trying to clear my mind and get a bit stronger. To forget those intrusive thoughts, to keep going. To have a sense of life. To know I'll survive. To know there's still happiness around the corner.

As one of the nurses said to me:
"I know you're not feeling well now, I know you're hurting. But I promise, one day you'll feel better again."

Ps. A railway picture is from Pixabay. 

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