Bipolar depression

"When my bipolar is starting to show the signs of depression, it makes me think I'm less worthy than others. Because I have an illness, a lifetime illness that requires lifetime medication. Even when everything is going well." 

From the outside, depression might be seen as laziness, sadness, and unproductivity. Usually, you can't even see someone having depression, or depressive episode going on. Because we usually keep smiling and keep going as long as we can. Often we keep on going too long.

But from the inside, there are so many feelings, actions, and ways to see life at that moment.

Exhausted, not being able to get up from bed and shower. 

Feeling nothing. Nothing at all. Or everything at once. 

Crying out loud or not being able to cry at all. 

Want to sleep all day long. Waking up in the middle of the night or sleeping around the clock with no problem at all. 

Lack of self-care. As said, showering makes you tired but also it loses the importance of doing so. Cleaning your own house is too tiring, and brushing your teeth starts to feel like after running a marathon. 

Self-hate. Thinking to be too fat, too ugly, too unwanted. 

It's a rollercoaster. It's like a wheel that just keeps rolling. 

It just goes on and on. keeps getting worse, until it hits the bottom. The place of full darkness. 

Trying to see the light at the top, trying to pinpoint the light, knowing it must be there somewhere, but still, seeing nothing at all. 

-- But whether you see it or not, it's there. There's always light at the end of the tunnel, and in the same way, there's always light on top of the deep hole. 

But at that moment, you might not see it. The future seems scary, there's nothing you could get out of the future. You lose sight of the future. 

And then there's suicidality and self-harm. Things that people don't talk about. 

Things that are scary not only for you but also for those around you. 

There are actions towards harming yourself.

Even actions towards ending your own life. 

It's the darkest place a human being can be. 

With super dark thoughts. You just keep seeing nightmares, seeing your life as full of disappointments. You just keep thinking those thoughts, even if you would try to stop them. Even if you would yell inside of you "I don't want to die!", it all keeps getting back to your mind. All the time. 

Still, there come anxiety and panic attacks. 

I have experienced my lowest point. The point where I couldn't see the future. Where I was too afraid of my own thoughts.

But where I am right now? Right at this moment?

Unfortunately, right now, I am in that dark tunnel or that hole.

Walking in the darkness.

Feeling alone. Seeing myself as not worthy.

Trying to climb up with the help of my friends, family, therapy, and change of the medications.

But I am still there. Quietly trying to shout for help.

As I am writing this, I am thinking about how and why I got to this point again? 

Was it too much stress?

Lack of sleep?

Not having a single day to only be and relax?

Did I do something wrong?

Not enough working out?

Too much eating ice cream?

What IF I am to blame?

But there is still hope. I can see it.

There are still things I love. People I love. My cat who I love.

There is still me, being happy how far I've got already. 

There is still me, who can smile and be happy.

I am trying my best to think that this shall pass. This episode will stop. I will get through it like I did when I hit the bottom last time.

I am stronger now.