Fine, but not fine

"I am fine."
So damn easy sentence, but do I really mean it when I say or write it?
I do, in some ways I do. At the same time, I do not.
I do not know how I could explain what this all is about, because at the same time I am fine, but on the other hand, I am very far from being fine. But sometimes I feel like I have to be fine, even though it would mean lying (to myself, and to others) how I actually feel. And as said, it is impossible to explain to anyone, how can I be fine and not fine at the same time. Especially as I do not understand it either.



"I would not recommend returning back to hammer throw."

"Hammer throw is probably the cause of your issue in the first place."

"Returning to it, will not make this go away. It will probably just make it worse with all the twisting."

 I hear these all the time. Whenever I see a new doctor, I ask if I have the possibility to get back to hammer throw. And I always get the same answer.
There has been only two doctors telling me otherwise, and few physiotherapists.
The first one is what I literally always hear. The two others are something I hear less often from the doctor.
For the first time, I heard in March 2017 in Singapore, when I had my back pain for the first time. The next time was during today's appointment here in Brisbane with a neurosurgeon. And even though I have heard it multiple times, it never gets easier. You could think, that it would, but it will not.

And it does not matter how many appointments, tests or procedures I go through, it does not get easier by time. Getting new meds, trying to find the perfect one or perfect combination for me, it feels like a never-ending process.
Going to spinal nerve block injections, in hope, it would give even temporary relief. There is no guarantee, that it would help, it is a 50-50 possibility.



I feel exhausted. Tired. In pain. Mentally drained.

It is easy to say I am fine, even though I am in somewhere middle.
Being fine and not being fine.
This all is very hard, especially mentally.
The same time that I tell I am fine, I also cannot remember when was the last time I started to cry in a public toilet. Does not matter if that toilet is in the doctor's appointment hospital, or in a shopping center after the appointment, or just randomly breaking down without any recent appointments.
Or I cannot remember when was the last time I just randomly feel tears on my cheek while watching some totally normal Netflix/TV show or a movie.
Or when was the last time I was lying on the bed, and just randomly start crying?
Or writing a blog post like this, and start crying. Like right now, at 12am.
Or what about drinking a damn hot chocolate with marshmallows at 1am, watching Netflix, and again, just randomly starting to cry..?



So that is how "fine" I am.
I am a fucking mess.
I mean, the hot chocolate was good though. But before it, I ate one 180g chocolate, 150g candies, and one pack of those damn delicious Toffifee hazelnut chocolates. Did not eat much else today though. But that should show well enough, that I am not fine, and it has taken me a very long time to admit it to myself.



I am broken.
But at the same time, I am also fine.
At least that is what I am trying to say everyone, and assure it to myself, because you know, positivity is the key, right?
And even if I would not be fine right now, I will be fine, because I am trying to get there.


Sijainti: Australia Brisbane Queensland, Australia

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