Fear facing
Last week I had to face one of my biggest fear; I had to go to the ER with my chronic pain.
Yes, that sounds so simple, something no one should be afraid of.
But I am, and I know there are a lot of others with chronic illnesses who knows this fear.
It gives me huge anxiety. The idea of going to the ER is just a huge "no, no" to me. And it honestly takes a lot, plenty of people telling me that I have to go, me convincing to myself that I have to go and that my issue is worthy of the ER visit. That is what it took this time as well, and I know that if I would have gone earlier, I would have made my life easier. I did not wait a couple of hours, in fact, I waited for a couple of days.
But I faced my fear because that is how desperate I was. Scared as fuck, in so much pain that I just could not handle it alone anymore.
It was my body's way to not only tell me to slow down, but also make me slow down.
I am way too stubborn to give up, even if it would not be giving up. In many cases, it would just simply be listening own body, making the best decision for me and my body.
And hey, no drama llama, but I was kicked out from the farm I was working in.
It honestly feels like an answer to my panicking and being afraid of my back, and I am just relieved. I know, that at some point, I would have needed to make the decision to quit. Now I do not have to think about it. The decision was made for me.
For some reason, the farm decided to reduce workers, and I was amongst those few who got kicked out. The fact I know, is, that those who are still working there, have only 5-6h days, so I guess the reason is financial issues etc.
I am not mad, or angry, but I would have wished that our supervisor would have had guts to tell me and the others directly at work. And not use the hostel as a middleman.
I am sorry, but my opinion is, that if you are a supervisor, you have to be able to tell the bad news as well. That is your job.
And I mean, for a too long time already I have avoided writing my thesis, telling myself that I am too tired (and lazy and no time), and now I cannot figure out any excuses. Now I have to write.
And I found a library to go and write. To get the focus. Even though I was writing this blog post in that library and not my thesis.
Have I had either of those?
No.
Because almost no one cares in Finland.
After my November 2017 hospitalization, I did not even get a referral to orthopedic, because my case was not seen as a problem.
The GP I had did not care at all. In fact, I even filed a complaint about her, because she did not take me seriously.
From the hospital, I was just told to see school health care, like they would know anything about chronic pain management.
Did not even get a referral to pain management.
I was left totally alone by health care specialists.
But it is great that things seem working in here. Same would be needed in many other countries as well!
I have 2 herniated discs. Only another one is causing a slight nerve pressure in some certain movements.
The biggest movement causing this pressure is bending.
And do you know what I was doing on my farm work?
Basically bending (and being in a very awkward posture) for 8-11h a day.
Damn great work.
However, those herniated discs are not enough, I also have 2 degenerative discs. So no, that is not only an issue for over 45 years old.
In addition to all those, I also have one beautiful tear injury.
And that one is the pain in the ass. The riskiest one.
As long as the tear is on the outer layer, I am all good.
The moment it goes worse and gets to the inner layer... I am in trouble.
That moment does not mean just a break from sports and work etc.
It means surgery.
It does not matter if it is emergency surgery or just a normal surgery, it would still mean an instant stop to all my sports.
It would also mean, that there would not be hope for returning back to hammer throw (probably not TKD either).
Unfortunately, that is what the orthopedic in Finland told me.
That one who my mom found for me, and for whose appointment I traveled over 600km.
That orthopedic I spent almost 2h talking about my situation, who told that he is going to take all the necessary tests to see what can be done (if anything).
That one who was first one (in Finland) who took me seriously and also at the end told me how sorry he is, that there is nothing to do for my pain.
That one who literally really did everything he was able to do, even walked to the nearby post office to get my MRI results from there and called me an evening before Christmas Eve to tell his opinion and his plan.
He was literally working way beyond what everyone else did.
His last written statement says something like: "can consider returning to weightlifting, hammer throw, and Taekwon-Do after strengthening supportive muscles to handle the pain." He honestly told me, that it all depends on how much I can handle pain, and how easy it would be if I would not have such difficult sports and goals to get back to those.
That orthopedic and the one I had in Singapore are basically two of those doctors I would believe any and every day. Any moment.
But it definitely reduced it, as I was taken there as a human being. :)
And it is not only for kids, and adults who suffer from it are not some weirdos with huge issues in life.
Just saying, because that is what you can read from chat platforms.
I carried my fear of darkness from childhood to adulthood.
Probably the biggest reason behind that fear was the nightmares I had.
I did not see scary dragons, mutants or UFOs kidnapping people.
No, in fact, I saw very realistic nightmares. People with real weapons, chasing me in dark alleys.
People trying to get inside my home, while I was trying to hold the door crying for help.
People chasing me with a chainsaw in the nearby forest, yelling, that I never get far, and they will always find me.
I saw these nightmares almost every night, and it was always a continuous nightmare from the previous one. I saw around 3-4 different nightmares repeatedly, which always continued from where it cut off earlier.
Haha, what a joke.
I tried that one, and "woke up" not only once, but even up to 10 times in the dream, to only realize, that I was still sleeping and in the nightmare.
It was like playing cat and mouse, will I really wake up or will the person trying to kill me find me first.
A very good question and I am going to tell, that it was actually easier than I thought.
When I went to bed and closed my eyes, I started to think good things. Even ridiculous stuff, such as dragons eating strawberry ice cream with me at the beach.
It probably messed up with my mind and stopped my nightmares.
Later I learned how to empty own mind, and think absolutely nothing, just trying to think deep dark hole and nothing else, and that way fall asleep within minutes.
Just because my nightmares happened in the places I felt safe in the real world, it made me be afraid of those places in real life.
I could not go jogging after dark, because I always remembered that guy in my nightmare with the chainsaw chasing me in that same running track, telling me how he will always find me.
I could not stay home after dark without putting on all the lights. Here mom, here is the reason I always put all the lights on. Here is finally answer for that, the truth I was too ashamed to tell before...
I even asked my parents to leave a light in the toilet at night, because I needed that little light to come into my room so I could feel safe.
You know what was the first thing I did whenever I came home, and I knew I would be the only one at home?
I checked all the places. Checked that there was not anyone. Even sauna, and under the bed.
I do not know what I would have done if there would really be someone, but that was the thing I did.
My nightmares included people walking behind the windows with weapons, searching for me. Me trying to call my parents, or anyone, that I am going to die.
I sometimes even woke up tears running down my cheeks.
Like c'mon, how afraid can a human being be while asleep?
It is about walking fast or running home when it is dark.
It is trying to choose an earlier bus home.
It is choosing a bike instead of walking.
It is being afraid in own home and keeping all the lights on at evening.
It is checking all the small places at home, including a sauna and clothes room, that there is no one in.
It is about avoiding going to the toilet at night because you heard some small weird voice outside of your small cottage.
It is being afraid of opening your curtains at night, because of being afraid that someone will look back. -- sounds funny, but it is not.
It is about not being able to tell to anyone, because of being afraid of what others think.
It is trying to stay up as late as possible, so there is no need to wake up the middle of the night and run across the yard to get to the toilet.
Note! Our backyard is not even huge, here is a picture to illustrate where is my little cottage without a toilet, and how short distance is from there to our home. The lighter yellow is my little cottage... So it is like umm 50m?
And even though I wrote, that I had very vivid and real feel nightmares, I must say, that there have been a few times I really experienced weird stuff in real life. Which all can have something to do with my fear.
So I and my best friend (at that time) used to do "camping" trips together. Meaning, we slept in a tent in our or their back yard. It was fun though.
We were both almost asleep when we heard that someone was clearly walking in the backyard.
You know tents do not have locks, right?
So we were super scared and able to see and hear that someone was walking near the tent. We were holding our breaths.
Then we heard how that someone moved something in our terrace, and this would have been an excellent time to check from that little window in the tent, but we were too scared to open the zip of that window.
So we waited until we were sure, that the person was gone and then quickly moved into the small cottage (when it was not yet my room). That is how scared we were, just could not spend the whole night in that tent.
I remember how we told my parents the next morning, and they did not believe us. I would have not believed either if I would have been them. But we were serious.
Later that day, we were doing a BBQ with my parents, and my dad asked who has moved the grill next to their bedroom window.
I am telling you, that was the moment I just knew that it was real. Someone really was moving stuff in our terrace at the middle of the night.
How scary, right?
At the time I participated in the 8-week challenge, I had to get up to the gym very early. It also meant going in the darkness by bike.
First few weeks were the worst. I tried to cycle as fast as possible.
But slowly I started to get used to it. I started to think differently.
I started to walk to the grocery store at evening to walk back in dark.
I started to listen and to see around.
And I started to feel safe and enjoy the darkness, the quietness.
The biggest thing I did was just a month ago.
I walked 7km at 3am to see a sunrise.
I did not know before I started my walk, that mostly it is pitch black road there, so once I realized it, it was too late to turn around. My "never give up" attitude came along.
I did not go to dark parks or forests, that is something I see as a real-life potential risk places, so I really am not going to risk my life for getting rid of some fear.
But I did it, I walked in darkness, next to forests, middle of nowhere, and I conquered my biggest fear. And I felt so damn proud of myself for doing it.
Yes, there was a couple times I really got scared of some small voice, but I still did it. I finished my walk. In the darkness.
The sunrise was definitely worth it.
And no picture could show the beauty in any way. But here is one picture was taken by my Nikon camera (all other pics in this post are taken by my phone).
Cheers! Until next time.
Ps. I am currently facing some real challenges at the hostel I am staying in. Just hoping, that at the end things would turn to be alright, but I have had to check other options. I have plan B, and also plan C. Hopefully I will not need those, but at least I am prepared. ;)
Yes, that sounds so simple, something no one should be afraid of.
But I am, and I know there are a lot of others with chronic illnesses who knows this fear.
It gives me huge anxiety. The idea of going to the ER is just a huge "no, no" to me. And it honestly takes a lot, plenty of people telling me that I have to go, me convincing to myself that I have to go and that my issue is worthy of the ER visit. That is what it took this time as well, and I know that if I would have gone earlier, I would have made my life easier. I did not wait a couple of hours, in fact, I waited for a couple of days.
But I faced my fear because that is how desperate I was. Scared as fuck, in so much pain that I just could not handle it alone anymore.
Just a flare-up
I am relieved, that it was once again just one big flare-up.It was my body's way to not only tell me to slow down, but also make me slow down.
I am way too stubborn to give up, even if it would not be giving up. In many cases, it would just simply be listening own body, making the best decision for me and my body.
And hey, no drama llama, but I was kicked out from the farm I was working in.
It honestly feels like an answer to my panicking and being afraid of my back, and I am just relieved. I know, that at some point, I would have needed to make the decision to quit. Now I do not have to think about it. The decision was made for me.
For some reason, the farm decided to reduce workers, and I was amongst those few who got kicked out. The fact I know, is, that those who are still working there, have only 5-6h days, so I guess the reason is financial issues etc.
I am not mad, or angry, but I would have wished that our supervisor would have had guts to tell me and the others directly at work. And not use the hostel as a middleman.
I am sorry, but my opinion is, that if you are a supervisor, you have to be able to tell the bad news as well. That is your job.
And I mean, for a too long time already I have avoided writing my thesis, telling myself that I am too tired (and lazy and no time), and now I cannot figure out any excuses. Now I have to write.
And I found a library to go and write. To get the focus. Even though I was writing this blog post in that library and not my thesis.
MRI once in every 6 months
I was told by the ER doctor, that anyone with a herniated disc, or in that matter, anyone with any back issue, should have regular examinations such as MRI / CT-scan. And also having own GP is important to have someone to talk about possible changes in symptoms etc.Have I had either of those?
No.
Because almost no one cares in Finland.
After my November 2017 hospitalization, I did not even get a referral to orthopedic, because my case was not seen as a problem.
The GP I had did not care at all. In fact, I even filed a complaint about her, because she did not take me seriously.
From the hospital, I was just told to see school health care, like they would know anything about chronic pain management.
Did not even get a referral to pain management.
I was left totally alone by health care specialists.
But it is great that things seem working in here. Same would be needed in many other countries as well!
Memory refreshment
To refresh everyone's memory.I have 2 herniated discs. Only another one is causing a slight nerve pressure in some certain movements.
The biggest movement causing this pressure is bending.
And do you know what I was doing on my farm work?
Basically bending (and being in a very awkward posture) for 8-11h a day.
Damn great work.
However, those herniated discs are not enough, I also have 2 degenerative discs. So no, that is not only an issue for over 45 years old.
In addition to all those, I also have one beautiful tear injury.
And that one is the pain in the ass. The riskiest one.
As long as the tear is on the outer layer, I am all good.
The moment it goes worse and gets to the inner layer... I am in trouble.
That moment does not mean just a break from sports and work etc.
It means surgery.
It does not matter if it is emergency surgery or just a normal surgery, it would still mean an instant stop to all my sports.
It would also mean, that there would not be hope for returning back to hammer throw (probably not TKD either).
Unfortunately, that is what the orthopedic in Finland told me.
That one who my mom found for me, and for whose appointment I traveled over 600km.
That orthopedic I spent almost 2h talking about my situation, who told that he is going to take all the necessary tests to see what can be done (if anything).
That one who was first one (in Finland) who took me seriously and also at the end told me how sorry he is, that there is nothing to do for my pain.
That one who literally really did everything he was able to do, even walked to the nearby post office to get my MRI results from there and called me an evening before Christmas Eve to tell his opinion and his plan.
He was literally working way beyond what everyone else did.
His last written statement says something like: "can consider returning to weightlifting, hammer throw, and Taekwon-Do after strengthening supportive muscles to handle the pain." He honestly told me, that it all depends on how much I can handle pain, and how easy it would be if I would not have such difficult sports and goals to get back to those.
That orthopedic and the one I had in Singapore are basically two of those doctors I would believe any and every day. Any moment.
Did I get over that fear?
I think I am still not fully gotten rid of the fear of going to the ER with chronic pain.But it definitely reduced it, as I was taken there as a human being. :)
Fear of darkness
Being afraid of darkness is actually the biggest fear I have (had).And it is not only for kids, and adults who suffer from it are not some weirdos with huge issues in life.
Just saying, because that is what you can read from chat platforms.
I carried my fear of darkness from childhood to adulthood.
Probably the biggest reason behind that fear was the nightmares I had.
I did not see scary dragons, mutants or UFOs kidnapping people.
No, in fact, I saw very realistic nightmares. People with real weapons, chasing me in dark alleys.
People trying to get inside my home, while I was trying to hold the door crying for help.
People chasing me with a chainsaw in the nearby forest, yelling, that I never get far, and they will always find me.
I saw these nightmares almost every night, and it was always a continuous nightmare from the previous one. I saw around 3-4 different nightmares repeatedly, which always continued from where it cut off earlier.
"Wake up"
I tried to get rid of these dreams. I searched from the internet, even from books, ways to get rid of nightmares. One very common tip was to tell in your dream for yourself "wake up", and that should make you wake up.Haha, what a joke.
I tried that one, and "woke up" not only once, but even up to 10 times in the dream, to only realize, that I was still sleeping and in the nightmare.
It was like playing cat and mouse, will I really wake up or will the person trying to kill me find me first.
Dragons with strawberry ice cream
So how did I get rid of these nightmares?A very good question and I am going to tell, that it was actually easier than I thought.
When I went to bed and closed my eyes, I started to think good things. Even ridiculous stuff, such as dragons eating strawberry ice cream with me at the beach.
It probably messed up with my mind and stopped my nightmares.
Later I learned how to empty own mind, and think absolutely nothing, just trying to think deep dark hole and nothing else, and that way fall asleep within minutes.
Deep fear
Back to the fear of darkness.Just because my nightmares happened in the places I felt safe in the real world, it made me be afraid of those places in real life.
I could not go jogging after dark, because I always remembered that guy in my nightmare with the chainsaw chasing me in that same running track, telling me how he will always find me.
I could not stay home after dark without putting on all the lights. Here mom, here is the reason I always put all the lights on. Here is finally answer for that, the truth I was too ashamed to tell before...
I even asked my parents to leave a light in the toilet at night, because I needed that little light to come into my room so I could feel safe.
You know what was the first thing I did whenever I came home, and I knew I would be the only one at home?
I checked all the places. Checked that there was not anyone. Even sauna, and under the bed.
I do not know what I would have done if there would really be someone, but that was the thing I did.
My nightmares included people walking behind the windows with weapons, searching for me. Me trying to call my parents, or anyone, that I am going to die.
I sometimes even woke up tears running down my cheeks.
Like c'mon, how afraid can a human being be while asleep?
What is it really to be afraid of darkness?
For those who have never been afraid of darkness, let me tell what it is like.It is about walking fast or running home when it is dark.
It is trying to choose an earlier bus home.
It is choosing a bike instead of walking.
It is being afraid in own home and keeping all the lights on at evening.
It is checking all the small places at home, including a sauna and clothes room, that there is no one in.
It is about avoiding going to the toilet at night because you heard some small weird voice outside of your small cottage.
It is being afraid of opening your curtains at night, because of being afraid that someone will look back. -- sounds funny, but it is not.
It is about not being able to tell to anyone, because of being afraid of what others think.
It is trying to stay up as late as possible, so there is no need to wake up the middle of the night and run across the yard to get to the toilet.
Note! Our backyard is not even huge, here is a picture to illustrate where is my little cottage without a toilet, and how short distance is from there to our home. The lighter yellow is my little cottage... So it is like umm 50m?
And even though I wrote, that I had very vivid and real feel nightmares, I must say, that there have been a few times I really experienced weird stuff in real life. Which all can have something to do with my fear.
Real life scary story
I am sharing here just one of these real-life stories, otherwise, this post would be way too long. So I will probably write a new one about some spooky stories from my childhood. ;)
So I and my best friend (at that time) used to do "camping" trips together. Meaning, we slept in a tent in our or their back yard. It was fun though.
We were both almost asleep when we heard that someone was clearly walking in the backyard.
You know tents do not have locks, right?
So we were super scared and able to see and hear that someone was walking near the tent. We were holding our breaths.
Then we heard how that someone moved something in our terrace, and this would have been an excellent time to check from that little window in the tent, but we were too scared to open the zip of that window.
So we waited until we were sure, that the person was gone and then quickly moved into the small cottage (when it was not yet my room). That is how scared we were, just could not spend the whole night in that tent.
I remember how we told my parents the next morning, and they did not believe us. I would have not believed either if I would have been them. But we were serious.
Later that day, we were doing a BBQ with my parents, and my dad asked who has moved the grill next to their bedroom window.
I am telling you, that was the moment I just knew that it was real. Someone really was moving stuff in our terrace at the middle of the night.
How scary, right?
Getting rid of the fear of darkness
Fear of darkness continued for a long time. I have only started to get rid of it here in Australia.At the time I participated in the 8-week challenge, I had to get up to the gym very early. It also meant going in the darkness by bike.
First few weeks were the worst. I tried to cycle as fast as possible.
But slowly I started to get used to it. I started to think differently.
I started to walk to the grocery store at evening to walk back in dark.
I started to listen and to see around.
And I started to feel safe and enjoy the darkness, the quietness.
The biggest thing I did was just a month ago.
I walked 7km at 3am to see a sunrise.
I did not know before I started my walk, that mostly it is pitch black road there, so once I realized it, it was too late to turn around. My "never give up" attitude came along.
I did not go to dark parks or forests, that is something I see as a real-life potential risk places, so I really am not going to risk my life for getting rid of some fear.
But I did it, I walked in darkness, next to forests, middle of nowhere, and I conquered my biggest fear. And I felt so damn proud of myself for doing it.
Yes, there was a couple times I really got scared of some small voice, but I still did it. I finished my walk. In the darkness.
The sunrise was definitely worth it.
And no picture could show the beauty in any way. But here is one picture was taken by my Nikon camera (all other pics in this post are taken by my phone).
Cheers! Until next time.
Ps. I am currently facing some real challenges at the hostel I am staying in. Just hoping, that at the end things would turn to be alright, but I have had to check other options. I have plan B, and also plan C. Hopefully I will not need those, but at least I am prepared. ;)
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