Pain Management Appointment


Walking the shopping center aisle towards the medical center.
Thinking if I am really doing it.
It is not like the situation would even be that bad. But the question is, can it get worse?
Do I really need that appointment?
Can I do last minute cancellation?
Run away, and just pay the cancellation fees.
What if he does not believe me?
What if he only sees me as someone who wants to get more drugs?
How specific I should be?
It is only a 15-minute appointment, how can I explain everything in such a short time?
What if he does not know anything?
What if he cannot help?
Did I already ask if I still can cancel this?

Avoidance

There is a thing what I have been avoiding, or should I say, successfully been able to avoid, for the last 8 months. And that is an as simple thing as seeing a doctor for my chronic pain.
The reason behind this avoidance is very simple as well, it is the fact, that I already know there is absolutely nothing to do for this. I have had already 4 MRI's (or five, I cannot even remember), I have had X-rays, I have been in a root block injection. I have been in the hospital because of this. Twice in fact.
I have been in NCV and EMG nerve tests.
There is nothing to do. I just need to learn to live with the pain. And I have finally been able to get the acceptance, and that is only one reason why seeing a doctor is something I dislike. It is like returning back to trying to find something, what cannot be found.


There is no magical cure.

Because there is no cure, the only thing doctors can do is give me medications.
And just as for your information, if you did not know yet, I absolutely hate taking medications.
I am the one who takes only if REALLY needed.
Other than that, I just live my life. Try to live with the pain, try to get the full acceptance, sometimes complain and sometimes staying up all night because of pain.

Yes, there would be that one medication on my table. If I would just reach it with my hand and take it.
But no, I have decided, that I rather suffer.
I NEED to learn to live with the pain.
That's all.



Yes, during those 8 months I have had a few times when I have been seriously thinking if I should go to the ER or not.
First things first, I have a tourist insurance, and my insurance will cover only one worsening of my existing illness - which my back pain unfortunately is. So if I want to see a specialist, I rather wait that I am 100 % sure that it is an emergency.
So far I have not been sure, and instead just see a physiotherapist.

That physio appointment has been a real lifesaver, and it always calms my mind.
Even though the answer has usually been, that for once again, I have caused inflammation to my back.
But when I compare inflammation vs. physically something worse in my back than before, then inflammation wins any time.

The first part of this post was my exact thoughts from the day I booked the appointment, until the day it was over. Which was today, by the way.
I stress things too much beforehand, I am very well aware of that problem.
But knowing, that there is nothing to do, and at the same time being aware of the huge stigma within chronic illnesses and doctor's appointments, that patients would be only seeing a doctor to get more drugs (which btw, is not usually the case). So going to see a doctor because of the reason of "we need plan B" - which is the medications, is not easy.
I do not want to seem like someone who is only seeking drugs.
And I do not know, maybe I have so many weird bruises on my hands, that the doctor actually asked from me "And you are not injecting anything?"
No, I am not.
Absolutely not.

 I might be addicted to gym training, but no, I am not using anything... :'D

Plan B

The unfortunate truth is, that there has to be Plan B when I go to farm work.
I need to have medications which will help me if the situation gets too bad.
And I need to be aware of the signs, which might mean, that there is something more serious going on.

"If this happens, go to the hospital immediately.
If this happens, go to the hospital immediately as well.
If this happens, call 000 (which is ambulance in Australia).
If this happens, you just really need to slow down."

So once again I heard those same warning signs, aka red flag signs, aka "something is seriously wrong." signs.
And do not get me wrong, I think it is a good reminder to get those always, but this is once again one of the reasons I have tried avoiding doctor's appointments. Because as said before, I am trying my best to fully accept the pain to be part of my life.
BUT I am not sure if I could survive if this would really get worse.
It is a very small possibility, but unfortunately, as long as I live, or until the day it really gets worse, I have to observe my pain and especially my flare-up symptoms.

It is definitely not easy knowing, that one sign, might mean that there is bigger damage on my nerves.
One sign only might mean, that I need to go to a hospital asap so they can do emergency surgery.
Knowing that and being in the knowledge, that there is this possibility, is mentally really hard.
Because whatever I do, I basically cannot affect to this one, it might happen even if I just get up from bed one morning.

"Just slow down. You need to do so. It is not worthy of breaking your back."

Oh, dear doctor, if you would just know, that the reason I am going to to do the farm work is, that I just could stay here one more year. And during that one year, decide what I want to do next.
I know it is not the best option for my back, but then again, I cannot live in fear.
I must prove, to everyone else, but more importantly, for myself, that nothing can stop me.
I am more powerful and stronger than I think I am.



And, hey the doctor thought that I am studying medicine because I am so clever and know the medical stuff in English as well.
So I really must know my things pretty well! ;)
Which proves very well, how bad the situation in Finland is with most chronic pain patients.
No, I do not study medicine, I study tourism. But unfortunately, I have had to do a lot of research on my own, searching from Finnish websites (not much information), and from English websites (so much information), because in Finland we have this thing called "doctors do not give a shit."
Free health care vs. health care where you actually get answers.
You can choose. ;)

But yes, that's it. I had that appointment. I got my medications, and I got my red flag signs.
And I also got this new information, if my pain gets worse I should see a doctor and ask for a CT-scan. That is something I have not yet had for my back...

Tomorrow I will go to physiotherapy to hear the final sentence. What are the exact exercises I should do every day to keep my back alive for 3 months.

I got this!


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