Through darkness
Have you ever had the feeling that you want to give up?
You have a huge dream, but you feel like you cannot get it, that always something goes wrong, and you are just done with trying again. Done with trying "one more time".
Have you ever been writing messages to your coach about how you just want to give up, that you are done? But never sending those, because there has been a little hope somewhere, and sending the message has felt too hard to send?
Have you ever been crying in your bed and thinking you should give up, but at the same time thinking, that what if you give up now, and then regret later?
I have had all of those thoughts in my head. And that is why I am writing this.
So that if some other athlete, or anyone, is thinking, that giving up own dream would be the best decision, maybe they could think again.
Think again, even though you would have thought it already so many times.
The time my shoulder injury just took over, and I was ready to give up my dreams.
I called my coach, bursting into tears and saying that I am just so done with everything.
I have written hundreds of messages to my phone notes saying how I would like to quit hammer throw. All those are saved in my old phone. Hundreds of messages which I never sent, but where I was close with sending. I traveled to Singapore for the first time, and magically in one month, I gained some motivation back. During not doing anything related to hammer throw.
But I never thought I could get my full motivation back. And in 2016 I already decided that I will quit after Finnish championships.
I already made the decision, so when I saw how good competitors there was against me, I did not even care. Because I did not have any hopes, I decided "well, this is going to be my last competition, I will just go and throw."
Maybe because I was thinking like that I threw my personal best.
Because I did not care. So I did not stress about it.
But at that moment I got my motivation back because I threw my personal best after 2 years. And it was first time throwing without getting any shoulder pain. My 4 years rehabilitation had finally paid off.
As the saying goes:
Getting back on track after a long rehabilitation, injuring myself again, rehabilitation, finally back on track, and then again making everything just worse.
It felt like an endless cycle.
And again, I made the decision, that maybe I should give up.
And that broke me into pieces. Into very small pieces, which has been damn hard to put together.
I have seen a sports psychologist/a mental coach, I have told him how 1. I want to get back on track, but 2. I do not want to get back on track, and 3. I do not know what I want, and 4. I do not have a motivation, and finally 5. I am scared.
I even actually sent some those messages to my coach, telling that maybe I was never meant to be hammer thrower.
Summer and autumn 2017 went by with grieving the loss of my ability to do my sport, but also a loss of someone who I called as my role model. She was that one person I was able to call whenever needed. Suddenly I did not have that person in my life anymore, did not have her telling me always the right words to everything.
I have experienced the crying alone in the car at midnight in an empty parking slot, thinking that is there even idea to continue anything. The time I was only thinking "I need you back, I need you to tell what I should do with my life."
I have gone to graveyard, crying, talking, thinking, I even met some older gentleman there who saw me crying and came to talk. He told me about his wife, and how he visits her grave every week. And then he just said "I see, that she was important to you. Come here, talk, cry, do whatever you need, it will get easier. By time."
I even sent an email to our school psychologist and told that I need help, but never actually went to see her.
And I swear it would have probably been much easier and quicker if I would have had enough courage and readiness to ask help.
But I would not be here, writing this right here, without all of that.
Because I would have probably taken my dream job, where I went through all the application process levels, got the job, and made a decision to decline it.
How this has anything to do with this?
Because I felt like I need to go somewhere else. Turn a totally new page in my life. Travel far away, somewhere I do not know anyone, and somewhere where no one knows me.
And that is why I chose Australia. It felt the right decision.
I had a doctor telling me, that maybe I should go back home to find out what is wrong with my health. And that sentence made me just realize, that I cannot go anywhere, I need to continue my life. I need to get my "I can do this" mindset back. That decision made me stronger, it made me continue.
I am still living with chronic pain.
I still have flare-ups, and my flare-ups can be very tough moments physically and mentally.
I still regret some of my decisions.
I still have a bit fucked up mindset when thinking about chronic pain.
But I am here. I have dreams, I have life, I am able to go to the gym, and I am even able to smash my own records.
I am not asking anything in fact.
Well yeah, I am.
I am asking to never give up on dreams because anything is possible. And as long as you are able to think like that, you can do anything. At the moment you believe you cannot, you will not go further. At that moment you are stuck, and the best way is to reach out, ask help. That person does not need to be any psychologist etc. if you do not want to, the person you will open up needs to be someone who listens to you. Who you feel comfortable to tell your things. Trust your gut with people.
I am telling you, that you can go through hell.
I might have no idea what is happening in your life right now. You might suffer from depression, you might have medical issues which interferes with your daily life, you might have lost someone important. But I am telling you, you can get through it.
Giving up should never be even an option. There should only be two options keep going and keep going even harder.
Believe in yourself, and if you cannot believe by yourself in yourself, then find someone who believes in you. So that there would be at least one person who believes that you can do anything. That person will help you to make you believe in yourself again. It takes time, but as long as it is even slow process, it is always a progress.
No one is meant to live in a darkness forever. Better days are coming.
If you feel like a burden if you feel like there is no one to talk to, send me a message.
I am here. I might not be able to help, but I will listen.
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Here, in the end, I want to say, that writing this was not easy.
It was not one of those "I will just write, and publish."
I have thought about writing something like this for a long time.
But because it contains sensitive parts, stuff I have not told before, I did not know if I want to write it.
So even though I always write honestly, trying to tell the good and bad about everything, I feel like I have never been this honest in my blog before, nor in any of my social media platforms.
I have always had people in my life who I could trust with anything, but some of these things have been too hard to tell anyone. It has been one of those "I need to survive from this alone", moments. I have always had the mindset, that surviving alone is what I should do.
Writing has always been my number one way to tell things, it is easier for me than talking. While talking I usually tend to just tell "I am fine." even though I would not be - in fact, if you hear me saying that, you can be almost sure, that I am not okay.
But somehow I have realized, that when I write, I cannot write something that is not true.
If I am not feeling good, I cannot usually write anything. Or if I do write, it is something like this. Very deep and personal.
So here is a very honest post. From the moment of darkness.
And hopefully this makes even one person think twice before giving up own dreams.
You have a huge dream, but you feel like you cannot get it, that always something goes wrong, and you are just done with trying again. Done with trying "one more time".
Have you ever been writing messages to your coach about how you just want to give up, that you are done? But never sending those, because there has been a little hope somewhere, and sending the message has felt too hard to send?
Have you ever been crying in your bed and thinking you should give up, but at the same time thinking, that what if you give up now, and then regret later?
I have had all of those thoughts in my head. And that is why I am writing this.
So that if some other athlete, or anyone, is thinking, that giving up own dream would be the best decision, maybe they could think again.
Think again, even though you would have thought it already so many times.
Moments of giving up
I was in a really bad place first in 2014-2015.The time my shoulder injury just took over, and I was ready to give up my dreams.
I called my coach, bursting into tears and saying that I am just so done with everything.
I have written hundreds of messages to my phone notes saying how I would like to quit hammer throw. All those are saved in my old phone. Hundreds of messages which I never sent, but where I was close with sending. I traveled to Singapore for the first time, and magically in one month, I gained some motivation back. During not doing anything related to hammer throw.
But I never thought I could get my full motivation back. And in 2016 I already decided that I will quit after Finnish championships.
I already made the decision, so when I saw how good competitors there was against me, I did not even care. Because I did not have any hopes, I decided "well, this is going to be my last competition, I will just go and throw."
Maybe because I was thinking like that I threw my personal best.
Because I did not care. So I did not stress about it.
But at that moment I got my motivation back because I threw my personal best after 2 years. And it was first time throwing without getting any shoulder pain. My 4 years rehabilitation had finally paid off.
As the saying goes:
Not again
Start of the year 2017 and end of the year 2017 was again times I thought I will not continue anymore.Getting back on track after a long rehabilitation, injuring myself again, rehabilitation, finally back on track, and then again making everything just worse.
It felt like an endless cycle.
And again, I made the decision, that maybe I should give up.
And that broke me into pieces. Into very small pieces, which has been damn hard to put together.
I have seen a sports psychologist/a mental coach, I have told him how 1. I want to get back on track, but 2. I do not want to get back on track, and 3. I do not know what I want, and 4. I do not have a motivation, and finally 5. I am scared.
Too much, in a too short time
I was again writing those message notes telling how I should just give up.I even actually sent some those messages to my coach, telling that maybe I was never meant to be hammer thrower.
Summer and autumn 2017 went by with grieving the loss of my ability to do my sport, but also a loss of someone who I called as my role model. She was that one person I was able to call whenever needed. Suddenly I did not have that person in my life anymore, did not have her telling me always the right words to everything.
I have experienced the crying alone in the car at midnight in an empty parking slot, thinking that is there even idea to continue anything. The time I was only thinking "I need you back, I need you to tell what I should do with my life."
I have gone to graveyard, crying, talking, thinking, I even met some older gentleman there who saw me crying and came to talk. He told me about his wife, and how he visits her grave every week. And then he just said "I see, that she was important to you. Come here, talk, cry, do whatever you need, it will get easier. By time."
I even sent an email to our school psychologist and told that I need help, but never actually went to see her.
I figured out my life.
On my own.And I swear it would have probably been much easier and quicker if I would have had enough courage and readiness to ask help.
But I would not be here, writing this right here, without all of that.
Because I would have probably taken my dream job, where I went through all the application process levels, got the job, and made a decision to decline it.
How this has anything to do with this?
Because I felt like I need to go somewhere else. Turn a totally new page in my life. Travel far away, somewhere I do not know anyone, and somewhere where no one knows me.
And that is why I chose Australia. It felt the right decision.
"I can do this!"
I have gone through medical issues in here as well.I had a doctor telling me, that maybe I should go back home to find out what is wrong with my health. And that sentence made me just realize, that I cannot go anywhere, I need to continue my life. I need to get my "I can do this" mindset back. That decision made me stronger, it made me continue.
I am still living with chronic pain.
I still have flare-ups, and my flare-ups can be very tough moments physically and mentally.
I still regret some of my decisions.
I still have a bit fucked up mindset when thinking about chronic pain.
But I am here. I have dreams, I have life, I am able to go to the gym, and I am even able to smash my own records.
But I would not be here if I would have made the decision to give up.
I am not asking anyone to feel any pity for me with this text.I am not asking anything in fact.
Well yeah, I am.
I am asking to never give up on dreams because anything is possible. And as long as you are able to think like that, you can do anything. At the moment you believe you cannot, you will not go further. At that moment you are stuck, and the best way is to reach out, ask help. That person does not need to be any psychologist etc. if you do not want to, the person you will open up needs to be someone who listens to you. Who you feel comfortable to tell your things. Trust your gut with people.
I am telling you, that you can go through hell.
I might have no idea what is happening in your life right now. You might suffer from depression, you might have medical issues which interferes with your daily life, you might have lost someone important. But I am telling you, you can get through it.
Giving up should never be even an option. There should only be two options keep going and keep going even harder.
Believe in yourself, and if you cannot believe by yourself in yourself, then find someone who believes in you. So that there would be at least one person who believes that you can do anything. That person will help you to make you believe in yourself again. It takes time, but as long as it is even slow process, it is always a progress.
No one is meant to live in a darkness forever. Better days are coming.
If you feel like a burden if you feel like there is no one to talk to, send me a message.
I am here. I might not be able to help, but I will listen.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here, in the end, I want to say, that writing this was not easy.
It was not one of those "I will just write, and publish."
I have thought about writing something like this for a long time.
But because it contains sensitive parts, stuff I have not told before, I did not know if I want to write it.
So even though I always write honestly, trying to tell the good and bad about everything, I feel like I have never been this honest in my blog before, nor in any of my social media platforms.
I have always had people in my life who I could trust with anything, but some of these things have been too hard to tell anyone. It has been one of those "I need to survive from this alone", moments. I have always had the mindset, that surviving alone is what I should do.
Writing has always been my number one way to tell things, it is easier for me than talking. While talking I usually tend to just tell "I am fine." even though I would not be - in fact, if you hear me saying that, you can be almost sure, that I am not okay.
But somehow I have realized, that when I write, I cannot write something that is not true.
If I am not feeling good, I cannot usually write anything. Or if I do write, it is something like this. Very deep and personal.
So here is a very honest post. From the moment of darkness.
And hopefully this makes even one person think twice before giving up own dreams.
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