Road Back On Track

If you have followed my journey with mental health illnesses, such as anxiety disorder and bipolar 2, then you know, that I've been in a psychiatric hospital before as well.  Note! This post contains material that could be triggering some people! Well, I am here again , in a psychiatric hospital, voluntarily, no one forced me to come here, but I decided it by myself I have a therapist, and before I went to the hospital I called her, crying, and she actually was the one suggesting me to go to the hospital immediately, and preferably not alone. The next step was calling my mom, again crying, that I need a drive to the psychiatric ER.  As I was sitting in the car I was thinking how did I end up in this situation again, it was hard not to blame myself, and it is still hard. I had a sick leave because of work-related burnout, but now that I think that more, I see that maybe it wasn't burnout, maybe all along it was just severe depression. As it is now. I am having a severe depres

"When my bipolar is starting to show the signs of depression, it makes me think I'm less worthy than others. Because I have an illness, a lifetime illness that requires lifetime medication. Even when everything is going well."  From the outside, depression might be seen as laziness, sadness, and unproductivity. Usually, you can't even see someone having depression, or depressive episode going on. Because we usually keep smiling and keep going as long as we can. Often we keep on going too long. But from the inside , there are so many feelings, actions, and ways to see life at that moment. Exhausted, not being able to get up from bed and shower.  Feeling nothing. Nothing at all. Or everything at once.  Crying out loud or not being able to cry at all.  Want to sleep all day long. Waking up in the middle of the night or sleeping around the clock with no problem at all.  Lack of self-care. As said, showering makes you tired but also it loses the importance of doing so. C

A year ago this time I was in a psychiatric hospital. I sat there with a psychiatrist and psychiatric nurse, as well as my mom. Talking about why I was there and what should be done when I would get out. It was my own decision to go there, no one forced me, I decided it and I needed it. Huge trigger warning! Suicidality, mental health crisis, etc. I am here today, much because of that night I went there. I am here now to write about world mental health day that was almost a week ago (on Saturday). Just imagine, without the short hospitalization, I would not probably be here. As cruel as the fact is, it is a must to write about. Desperation The hopelessness, suicidality, the need to escape mental pain with hurting myself physically, thoughts of killing myself, not being able to cry anymore, having no emotions, the constant need to be alone. Those were the things I had in my mind all the time. Constantly. Driving off the cliff, driving towards a wall, jumping off a cliff. Just doing some

How exactly I ended up working at the school, in a place I used to say I would never work at? When I was still in Australia, I started to think I actually want to work in something that has a meaning. Even though I absolutely loved my job over there, I realized it is not exactly what I wanted. I helped and guided in my job every kind of people, including kids, teens, and adults with special needs. I also found a guy who was a personal trainer for special needs, kids, from Instagram, and I started following him.  Something just clicked and I knew that what I really want is to work with people with any kind of special needs. Best, if they would be kids or teens. Suddenly all the hard work with tourism was flushed away. I realized I had studied tourism for 7 years, and it was a field that I didn't actually want to work in.  I thought I am crazy, how could I want something else just out of nowhere? Tourism has always been close to my heart, already in primary school, I knew what I want

It's been a year. Year since I experienced frightening moments. Year since I lost the ability to use 1st my left leg and then my right one.  Year since I started long and tough rehabilitation to get back on track. Year since my life truly changed. WTF is happening? A year ago I was at home, minding my own business. Going to sleep. And then, suddenly, I realized my left leg wasn't working right. I couldn't move it on my bed, I couldn't lift it up, and all the toe and heel walking was just impossible. Due to having permanent problems on my back, I knew it could be something serious. Let me say, I didn't get much sleep that night. All I could think was: "WTF is happening?!" I felt like there was something really wrong, but I didn't know what to do. But that was just a start. "You have lost all your reflexes on your left leg, and the other one is weaker as well." In total, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. In two different hospitals, first in an

This is a post from over a year ago (May 2019), and I wanted to post this the way it is. To show what were my feelings just a few weeks after I made the decision to end throwing a hammer at a competitive level. A lot has changed in a year and I promise, there is coming a new post how my life has changed since I "gave up." Many of you know I am now coaching younger athletes, and I will write more about that later on.  But here, first, my #throwback Thursday post: For already more than 4 years I have had an on-off and hate-love relationship with a hammer throw. I have been thinking about giving up multiple times, I have been writing message drafts to my phone thinking how am I going to tell my coach, that I am not continuing anymore. I have suffered from injuries, for almost 10 years in a row. It has affected my motivation. I even had a time where I did not make any personal best record for over 2 years. I found it hard to keep going when I did not even get a training p