When everything went just worse
November was the time when everything went just worse. It was something I could not believe anymore. One moment I am doing what I love, being in Taekwon-Do camp for the weekend, and the next moment, just a few days later, is that I am trying to sleep but the pain is just too much to handle.
It was again the time when everything turned upside down. This time I was feeling even worse, not only physically, but mentally. I was already back on track, and then suddenly something goes terribly wrong again. The thing is, that I thought I was the reason for that, I was blaming myself. But the fact is, that it was not something I could have changed in any way. I had a permission to do training, from doctor and physiotherapist, so how could I have known, that maybe it was all too soon?
The truth is still, that November was the time everything changed again. My perspective on things, and me in general. It made me realize how cruel hospital world can be, how much patient has to fight to get treatment, how the world of pain medication has caused even doctors to close their eyes from the truth - and just give stronger meds in the hope, that it will magically cure everyone and everything. It is terrible that usually, you will only realize these things at the moment when all you need is someone who would believe you.
Even though November has been the hardest month so far, it is also the month which helped me to be who I am today. I would not be here without November, I guess I would not have this drive to show people the positive side of everything if all this would not have happened.
To understand where I am now, why and how, I must first explain how everything happened. You already might have read my first chapter, if not, just click here, and then come back :)
So here comes chapter 2.
My next visits, I was turned away, told: "We cannot take every patient to the ER." My question is, that how they choose those ER patients who are eligible for the ER care without even seeing the patient more than at the info desk or hearing over a phone?
I was told I do not look sick, and I guess that is also the reason why they did not take me seriously.
Everything was just constant waiting. For them, I seemed like someone who is overreacting, for me every minute felt like an hour. I could not sleep, I could not walk around, I could not do anything, but the only problem was, that I did not look sick enough to get treatment.
The final piece was when I was at school. The pain hit even though I had strong pain meds. I do not know if the dizziness, losing eyesight etc. was because of so bad pain, or because of the meds. But I realized that I cannot keep living like that.
I ran away from the class, went home, called my mom, crying. I was in that situation, where, if I would have lived alone, I would have called an ambulance. But I decided to just call the central hospital. --> I know my decision does not make any sense. But when living with two other students, with who I literally had nothing in common and almost never talked with them, it would have been weird to call an ambulance.
After the 25min bus ride, and 3h waiting, a doctor was able to see me. At that moment it was 11pm, I was tired - no, I was exhausted, I was in pain, and I just wanted to know what the heck is going on.
You know what this doctor said?
I lost my patience. I do not know what happened, and how, but I collected the courage to say -yell & cry - that I am not looking for more stronger meds. I am looking answers, why I have pain, and why is it so bad.
I spent one night in the central hospital, they took MRI, and an orthopedic visited me - I cannot remember anything about that visit, I just remember that she was there at one moment.
The moment, when a nurse came in and said: "pack your stuff." I thought they will let me go home.
I was wrong, completely wrong.
They moved me to another hospital.
Again funny story here: it was the ambulance taxi who took me to another hospital (basically just across the road), this paramedic person came to pick me up from my room. This time I did look sick, obviously as the man was just standing there like "so you have back pain? I need to get a wheelchair for you." I hate those moments when you have to allow someone to help you. Terrible.
Then he continued "I will go to check if the other patient is ready to go as well, and if he needs a wheelchair too."
10 minutes later he came back "we are good to go, he said he will walk, so he is waiting outside the room."
In just a few minutes, I found out, that this other patient was about 85 years old gentleman, he walked next to me. Next to 20 years old woman sitting in a wheelchair. It was already at that moment funny, I was in worse shape than 85 years old. I felt absolutely amazing.
This is something I would love to forget, something I am not feeling comfortable to write about, nor talk about.
The pain where I was hoping to die instead of just staying positive, that the pain will end. At that moment staying positive was not possible.
I am telling this because I want to keep everything as honest as possible. It is hard to explain, probably even harder to understand.
And more importantly, I have to tell you, that I was not suicidal, (I still am not), but the pain was just too much.
It was just an ordinary night (a third one) in the hospital, I woke up, went to the toilet (yes I was able to walk), I got back to bed, closed my eyes... The pain hits. Hard. Nothing helps, that time I was crying for help. Literally, 4 nurses run to the room, gives me everything they can, pain meds (probably also soothing drugs - I would not be surprised) and finally just puts the cannula in.
My pain decreases from worst possible almost to zero just in seconds.
This all took only a few minutes, but it felt like forever. The longest few minutes of my life so far.
The reality hits, when I told that I want to go home. The doctor comes in and says "Katri we cannot let you go home, you are having stronger pain medication than people who are coming from surgery. Your pain medication is almost at the same level as cancer patients. All of these medications can lead to addiction, and because you have been using those for a week, your side effects might be something you cannot handle at home."
And the fact, that when I wanted to take the cannula away from my hand (there were not any meds coming in anymore), the nurse just looked me straight into eyes and said "You must have had very bad pain, that they have put that one. It is not a common thing. We cannot take it away, because we have to prepare, that same pain hits again." They maybe were prepared for it, but I was not ready to face same again.
In total, I was in that hospital for 10 days.
And in the medical point of view, from the viewpoint when thinking about my back, those 10 days were useless. It left me with being stronger mentally, and with the decision that I am not going back there. Ever again.
But the rest - I did not even get right diagnose.
That 10 day was just a start for the journey of researching by myself, trying to stay motivated, trying to focus on school, trying to continue my life. And finally finding one good doctor hundreds of kilometers far away. --> About all of these I will write later. :)
Here to the end, I really need to share my first world problem at the hospital. The moment, where my friends were like "oh cmoon you should be more worried when to get out from there, than that." For me, it was a huge problem. A HUGE! I mean, it was my fourth or fifth day without washing my hair, and then all I can find from the hospital bathroom is dry shampoo! Like wtf?! All it did, just left my hair even worse, it was so frustrating. Funny now, not at that moment :D
Until the next chapter! :) Have a great weekend all!
It was again the time when everything turned upside down. This time I was feeling even worse, not only physically, but mentally. I was already back on track, and then suddenly something goes terribly wrong again. The thing is, that I thought I was the reason for that, I was blaming myself. But the fact is, that it was not something I could have changed in any way. I had a permission to do training, from doctor and physiotherapist, so how could I have known, that maybe it was all too soon?
The truth is still, that November was the time everything changed again. My perspective on things, and me in general. It made me realize how cruel hospital world can be, how much patient has to fight to get treatment, how the world of pain medication has caused even doctors to close their eyes from the truth - and just give stronger meds in the hope, that it will magically cure everyone and everything. It is terrible that usually, you will only realize these things at the moment when all you need is someone who would believe you.
Even though November has been the hardest month so far, it is also the month which helped me to be who I am today. I would not be here without November, I guess I would not have this drive to show people the positive side of everything if all this would not have happened.
To understand where I am now, why and how, I must first explain how everything happened. You already might have read my first chapter, if not, just click here, and then come back :)
So here comes chapter 2.
When doctors are not taking seriously
My first two ER visits during the week did not quite "pay off". I went to public healthcare and a private one, both prescribed just stronger meds.My next visits, I was turned away, told: "We cannot take every patient to the ER." My question is, that how they choose those ER patients who are eligible for the ER care without even seeing the patient more than at the info desk or hearing over a phone?
I was told I do not look sick, and I guess that is also the reason why they did not take me seriously.
Everything was just constant waiting. For them, I seemed like someone who is overreacting, for me every minute felt like an hour. I could not sleep, I could not walk around, I could not do anything, but the only problem was, that I did not look sick enough to get treatment.
The final piece was when I was at school. The pain hit even though I had strong pain meds. I do not know if the dizziness, losing eyesight etc. was because of so bad pain, or because of the meds. But I realized that I cannot keep living like that.
I ran away from the class, went home, called my mom, crying. I was in that situation, where, if I would have lived alone, I would have called an ambulance. But I decided to just call the central hospital. --> I know my decision does not make any sense. But when living with two other students, with who I literally had nothing in common and almost never talked with them, it would have been weird to call an ambulance.
After the 25min bus ride, and 3h waiting, a doctor was able to see me. At that moment it was 11pm, I was tired - no, I was exhausted, I was in pain, and I just wanted to know what the heck is going on.
You know what this doctor said?
"Have you already tried these meds? They should help. If not, just come back here tomorrow."
Said that, for someone who was almost crying. Said that to the person, who has been waiting over 3h in the ER, who watched the time and it was over midnight (no buses going back at that time). AND who has visited 5 times in the ER within a week? Like no, I did not go to evening ER just to get more meds.I lost my patience. I do not know what happened, and how, but I collected the courage to say -
It was just a start of my journey
I was taken in. Magically. I proved it right, that crying helps.I spent one night in the central hospital, they took MRI, and an orthopedic visited me - I cannot remember anything about that visit, I just remember that she was there at one moment.
The moment, when a nurse came in and said: "pack your stuff." I thought they will let me go home.
I was wrong, completely wrong.
They moved me to another hospital.
Again funny story here: it was the ambulance taxi who took me to another hospital (basically just across the road), this paramedic person came to pick me up from my room. This time I did look sick, obviously as the man was just standing there like "so you have back pain? I need to get a wheelchair for you." I hate those moments when you have to allow someone to help you. Terrible.
Then he continued "I will go to check if the other patient is ready to go as well, and if he needs a wheelchair too."
10 minutes later he came back "we are good to go, he said he will walk, so he is waiting outside the room."
In just a few minutes, I found out, that this other patient was about 85 years old gentleman, he walked next to me. Next to 20 years old woman sitting in a wheelchair. It was already at that moment funny, I was in worse shape than 85 years old. I felt absolutely amazing.
 |
| Can you see the fear from my eyes? The tiredness for not sleeping properly for a week. The pain. Because I can. And I also remember. |
Is it possible to hope to die during huge pain?
We all have heard about this kind of pain. Usually after some big accident, and honestly I was not aware, that it can happen in other situations as well.This is something I would love to forget, something I am not feeling comfortable to write about, nor talk about.
The pain where I was hoping to die instead of just staying positive, that the pain will end. At that moment staying positive was not possible.
I am telling this because I want to keep everything as honest as possible. It is hard to explain, probably even harder to understand.
And more importantly, I have to tell you, that I was not suicidal, (I still am not), but the pain was just too much.
It was just an ordinary night (a third one) in the hospital, I woke up, went to the toilet (yes I was able to walk), I got back to bed, closed my eyes... The pain hits. Hard. Nothing helps, that time I was crying for help. Literally, 4 nurses run to the room, gives me everything they can, pain meds (probably also soothing drugs - I would not be surprised) and finally just puts the cannula in.
My pain decreases from worst possible almost to zero just in seconds.
This all took only a few minutes, but it felt like forever. The longest few minutes of my life so far.
Stronger pain meds than patient coming from surgery
On my fifth day, I was so ready to go home. Five days of being at the hospital was far from my plans, I missed Taekwon-Do training camp where I was supposed to be as a photographer (my training team was the organizer of the camp). But even bigger loss was, that I missed father's day because of being in the hospital. And being 350km far away, I did not want that my family travels to see me. I actually wanted to be alone. My mom did everything she could from home, even called the hospital when I said that everything is going so wrong and nurses are not listening to me. Thanks, mom!<3The reality hits, when I told that I want to go home. The doctor comes in and says "Katri we cannot let you go home, you are having stronger pain medication than people who are coming from surgery. Your pain medication is almost at the same level as cancer patients. All of these medications can lead to addiction, and because you have been using those for a week, your side effects might be something you cannot handle at home."
Like wow, I had to stay in the hospital because of getting rid of the pain meds what they earlier prescribed. I was not waiting for that.
Trying to decrease the amount of those meds while at the same time not increasing my pain was not the easiest to do. Struggles to find the right medication with a right amount.And the fact, that when I wanted to take the cannula away from my hand (there were not any meds coming in anymore), the nurse just looked me straight into eyes and said "You must have had very bad pain, that they have put that one. It is not a common thing. We cannot take it away, because we have to prepare, that same pain hits again." They maybe were prepared for it, but I was not ready to face same again.
Just guessing
But the weirdest part is, that everything went so wrong in that hospital. I mean, I met some amazing nurses, but from the behalf of other nurses and the doctor, everything went wrong. Even at the hospital, I was told I do not look sick --> yeah, the nurse came to apologize after my mom called to the hospital about this :D, I had to watch sad videos from YouTube to make myself look sick (crazy, huh?) Because obviously, I was that person in the hospital who just liked to be there, like there would not be been anywhere else to be :')) -- see the sarcasm.
I was diagnosed with nerve pain, and dozens of other similarities, without any further examinations. The basic rule for diagnosing nerve pain is to get all the nerve tests done, they never did those. How I know this? Well because after my hospitalization, all I did was researching.
In total, I was in that hospital for 10 days.
 |
| Kotiin = to home <3 |
And in the medical point of view, from the viewpoint when thinking about my back, those 10 days were useless. It left me with being stronger mentally, and with the decision that I am not going back there. Ever again.
But the rest - I did not even get right diagnose.
That 10 day was just a start for the journey of researching by myself, trying to stay motivated, trying to focus on school, trying to continue my life. And finally finding one good doctor hundreds of kilometers far away. --> About all of these I will write later. :)
Here to the end, I really need to share my first world problem at the hospital. The moment, where my friends were like "oh cmoon you should be more worried when to get out from there, than that." For me, it was a huge problem. A HUGE! I mean, it was my fourth or fifth day without washing my hair, and then all I can find from the hospital bathroom is dry shampoo! Like wtf?! All it did, just left my hair even worse, it was so frustrating. Funny now, not at that moment :D
Until the next chapter! :) Have a great weekend all!
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