Road Back On Track

A year ago this time I was in a psychiatric hospital. I sat there with a psychiatrist and psychiatric nurse, as well as my mom. Talking about why I was there and what should be done when I would get out. It was my own decision to go there, no one forced me, I decided it and I needed it. Huge trigger warning! Suicidality, mental health crisis, etc. I am here today, much because of that night I went there. I am here now to write about world mental health day that was almost a week ago (on Saturday). Just imagine, without the short hospitalization, I would not probably be here. As cruel as the fact is, it is a must to write about. Desperation The hopelessness, suicidality, the need to escape mental pain with hurting myself physically, thoughts of killing myself, not being able to cry anymore, having no emotions, the constant need to be alone. Those were the things I had in my mind all the time. Constantly. Driving off the cliff, driving towards a wall, jumping off a cliff. Just doing some

How exactly I ended up working at the school, in a place I used to say I would never work at? When I was still in Australia, I started to think I actually want to work in something that has a meaning. Even though I absolutely loved my job over there, I realized it is not exactly what I wanted. I helped and guided in my job every kind of people, including kids, teens, and adults with special needs. I also found a guy who was a personal trainer for special needs, kids, from Instagram, and I started following him.  Something just clicked and I knew that what I really want is to work with people with any kind of special needs. Best, if they would be kids or teens. Suddenly all the hard work with tourism was flushed away. I realized I had studied tourism for 7 years, and it was a field that I didn't actually want to work in.  I thought I am crazy, how could I want something else just out of nowhere? Tourism has always been close to my heart, already in primary school, I knew what I want

It's been a year. Year since I experienced frightening moments. Year since I lost the ability to use 1st my left leg and then my right one.  Year since I started long and tough rehabilitation to get back on track. Year since my life truly changed. WTF is happening? A year ago I was at home, minding my own business. Going to sleep. And then, suddenly, I realized my left leg wasn't working right. I couldn't move it on my bed, I couldn't lift it up, and all the toe and heel walking was just impossible. Due to having permanent problems on my back, I knew it could be something serious. Let me say, I didn't get much sleep that night. All I could think was: "WTF is happening?!" I felt like there was something really wrong, but I didn't know what to do. But that was just a start. "You have lost all your reflexes on your left leg, and the other one is weaker as well." In total, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. In two different hospitals, first in an

This is a post from over a year ago (May 2019), and I wanted to post this the way it is. To show what were my feelings just a few weeks after I made the decision to end throwing a hammer at a competitive level. A lot has changed in a year and I promise, there is coming a new post how my life has changed since I "gave up." Many of you know I am now coaching younger athletes, and I will write more about that later on.  But here, first, my #throwback Thursday post: For already more than 4 years I have had an on-off and hate-love relationship with a hammer throw. I have been thinking about giving up multiple times, I have been writing message drafts to my phone thinking how am I going to tell my coach, that I am not continuing anymore. I have suffered from injuries, for almost 10 years in a row. It has affected my motivation. I even had a time where I did not make any personal best record for over 2 years. I found it hard to keep going when I did not even get a training p

For a long time, my mental health diagnosis was severe depression. Months later, after having several different "tests" done and had appointments after appointments, I was diagnosed with bipolarity. It is still classified as "Other bipolarity" because it is still a new diagnosis. I have asked others to tell me their questions about bipolarity and especially my bipolarity, and in this post, I will share those questions with answers. But first, what it means to have  bipolarity ? I can only speak for myself and each and every patient is different. You can't diagnose yourself based on someone's symptoms, because for you, those symptoms might actually be part of your personality. For example, let's say, my sister, she is super active all the time, etc. for her my symptoms are totally normal. But for me, those same symptoms are classified as a hypomanic episode. What is the most common misunderstanding about bipolarity? In my situation, in my life, I have see

In the current world, sexual abuse doesn’t only happen face to face, it happens everywhere . It doesn’t only happen for those who are from broken families, who are living in a poor condition, who are not close with their parents, who are marginalized… It can happen to anyone, anywhere . And nowadays, more and more, sexual predators are searching victims through online platforms. Many of you might think, that parents should see the signs. Parents should control their children so that they won’t get abused etc. But sometimes, they can’t see it. They can’t see it, because at some point, at some age, children/youth can hide it all very well. In the same way, many of them can hide bullying. So please, when you are reading this, and after reading this, NEVER blame anyone’s parents. NEVER . It starts with something so simple as: "Hi, how are you?" It starts in so innocent way and it is not easy to see where it is going before it goes way too far. It is easy to think, t