Road Back On Track

The past month has been super stressful, especially the last one or two weeks. I think I've not let myself think about everything through, as I've been going to or from somewhere all the time, without really stopping and letting myself to take a deep breath. I've been successfully avoided my own feelings, and in some way bottled it all up and inside myself. The smile I've had, has made me, even by myself, to believe that I'm all good. When in fact, all the time, there has been a feeling inside, that something is not right. I'm not feeling the way I should. For all this time, since I quit the farm work, I have not only felt weird mentally, but also physically. The pain which was already better, went significantly worse during the farming. And unfortunately, I made the decision to continue at the moment, I should've already quit. Hide it with a smile And the scary thing is, that for over 2 weeks, I was able to hide all the physical symptoms,

It has taken me a long time to decide if I am going to write about this or not. It has felt so silly, something so small, and at the same something a little bit even selfish. When someone thinks about their biggest fear, it is usually something like “my family to get seriously ill”, or “death” or something like that.  And yes, I am also afraid of those, but for some reason, I have realized, it is unnecessary to be afraid of something you cannot do anything about.  You cannot avoid someone getting seriously ill, you cannot magically cure anyone’s sickness.  Maybe because I have lost someone very close to me, who survived seven different cancer during her lifetime, has made me realize, that whatever the sickness is, it is possible to survive. Or if not, it is always possible to stay positive. But still, even if I am saying like this, the biggest fear I have, is that my back gets worse. I know, I know, this sounds so silly. Especially after what I just wrote.  But this is

I am easily adaptable to new places, but after few of the most recent incidents and moving from the place A to B and from B to C and now thinking in the C, where the heck I have come, I have started to think if this is really what I want. Do I really want to experience shit treatment from farmers and hostel owners, who seem like not giving a fuck if everyone gets a job or not caring what happens on the farm. It is like " what happens on the farm, stays on the farm. " Backpackers go to the hostels to get a job they were promised to have, and when they arrive, they might need to wait even a month to start working. But I am also not a person who gives up, in fact, those who know me (personally or online) are probably very well aware, that I am the last person to give up. I am the one who keeps going even at the moment giving up would, in fact, be a better option. BUT as I wrote before, some of the recent things that have happened have made me think this a little more. It

Last week I had to face one of my biggest fear; I had to go to the ER with my chronic pain. Yes, that sounds so simple, something no one should be afraid of. But I am, and I know there are a lot of others with chronic illnesses who knows this fear. It gives me huge anxiety. The idea of going to the ER is just a huge "no, no" to me. And it honestly takes a lot, plenty of people telling me that I have to go, me convincing to myself that I have to go and that my issue is worthy of the ER visit. That is what it took this time as well, and I know that if I would have gone earlier, I would have made my life easier. I did not wait a couple of hours, in fact, I waited for a couple of days. But I faced my fear because that is how desperate I was. Scared as fuck, in so much pain that I just could not handle it alone anymore. Just a flare-up I am relieved, that it was once again just one big flare-up. It was my body's way to not only tell me to slow down, but also make me