2 years in pain

"So I am still waiting & hope, that my pain will not celebrate its two years birthday party."

Here I am, thinking if I should get a cake or hit a gym harder than ever before. (later added note: I went to the gym). And I ate too much when I came back. I mean too much stuff I should not be eating, but I guess that is better than nothing?

It has been exactly 2 years from the day I went to hospital first time with my back.
I went there by train. Walked in with own two feet, in pain, but still walked in. And immediately after I told what is going on, I got a wheelchair (which I did not want, btw, if that even matters.) After seeing some nurse, I was sent to a small wardroom, and told, that I will be sent as an emergency patient to MRI.



I can remember almost everything what was going on in my head. But what I can remember best, is, that even though I was sending messages to friends, family and my coaches, telling that I am totally OK, I was scared. So freaking scared.



That MRI was just the start of the long, still ongoing journey.
The journey, which might never actually end.
The journey, which eventually led me to have chronic pain.
Pain which will most probably never go away.
Though I did not know any of this that day 2 years ago.

Why..? What if..?

Last few days has been really hard. Mostly mentally or emotionally.
Also physically, because of my farm work. Not about that now though.
I have been much in own thoughts. Completely ignoring pain signals. Completely ignoring other people, just being in own thoughts.
I have been thinking about this all a lot.
Thinking from where did everything start. Where the pain eventually led me, with the mental burden as well, what happened that everything went wrong in the first place, and what did I do wrong later on that year, that it all went down again. What made me make the decisions I made, and what made me make the decisions which in the end changed my life.



Did you know, that this all happened in Singapore 2 years ago?
And that I had huge plans later on, which never happened because the doctor in Singapore told it would be the best and safest option to fly back to Finland.
It is weird to think, that in fact, that moment has changed so much.
Would I be in Australia, if my plans would not go wrong?
Probably not. Because my first plan was flying to Thailand and do my internship there. As you might guess, that is the plan which never happened. I was so broken because of that, but thinking of it now, I am so happy I never went there.

Going up

Last 2 years have been full of downs, going down, down and down.
But the funny and positive thing is, that I did not even realize when it all changed. It all started to go up, up and up, so fast, that I have no idea what was the exact moment.
Probably the moment I booked the flights to Australia. Or the moment I landed in Brisbane and started a new chapter of my life.
But the best part is, that it is still just going up.
Yes, there has been and will be, some not so good moments, not so ideal decisions and stuff like that.
It will probably be like that always. No one's life is so perfect, that it would be rainbows and butterflies all the time.
But I am happy to say, that my life is not all about raining anymore.

Wait for the miracle

Yesterday I was searching through my Instagram to see what post I did a year ago. And it was those words from the start of this post. "So I am still waiting & hope, that my pain will not celebrate its two years birthday party."



That hit me hard.
Harder than I was thinking.
Seeing, that a year ago I still really had the hope, that my pain would go away.
It hit me damn hard because I remember how I was back then. I can clearly remember the person I was back then, what were my ideas and thoughts about all of this.
Again, what if, but what if I would have already then been able to see, that chronic pain does not go away just like that.
Would my life been easier back then? Or just the same, because at least it would not have made me the person I am today, would not make me stronger the way it has made now.
In fact, you can see from that sentence the worst possible idea, the "So I am still waiting."
Waiting for what?
Waiting for a miracle?
I was waiting, and at the same time, it was the decision of stopping living.
Because I clearly was waiting for a miracle.
Instead of keeping living, I decided to wait and stop.



I thought I would never be able to say this, but I am happy.
I am in my happy place.
I am living the life I want. Or on my way to live it.
I have met some amazing people online and F2F, which I know, I would have not met without this chronic pain.
Yes, my life would be so much different now, but would I even want that life? That is impossible to know.

Taking the responsibility

Yes, I am sometimes angry for the pain.
Angry for myself.
Mad at the doctors who told me, that I am too young to get chronic pain. That was their excuse to do nothing for the pain. And yes, I am very well aware, that most chronic pains are a result of the lack of care when the pain is still acute. So yes, I have the right to be mad at the doctors.
But did I do all as I was told to? Did I do all the physio exercises? Did I stop training, and took a break as my doctor told me to? Did I stop training Taekwon-Do? Did I stop doing hammer throw drills?
No, no I did not.



In fact, I even attended to new martial arts class. Though I only had one class, wanted to continue, but realized it was not what the doctor told me to try some "lighter training."
So if I am going to blame others, I also have to blame myself.
And that is something that took me forever to realize.
I am also to blame for all of this.
And yes, it hurts knowing it.
But someone wiser than me told that the best thing to do is stop blaming others, and take the responsibility. Take the responsibility and that way being able to make the change happen.

Is there still hope?

So yes, it has been two years.
Two years in pain.
And the reason I am writing this, and the reason why this is so huge thing for me is, that the moment the pain has been there for 2 years, it is not just going away.
During the first year, there is definitely still the hope, but when the 2 years marginal comes, it is not anymore just going away. There would be needed a miracle.
Yes, I can hope for the miracle, but I will not do the same as a year ago, and stop living at the same time.
I think everyone with chronic pain or other chronic illness will always have some kind of hope for the miracle. No matter if it has been one or two years or even 10 years. There will always be some kind of hope.
Hope for the miracle.
Hope, that there will one day be found a cure.

It changed my life

And the reason why this is so huge thing for me is, that the day (or night, or days) two years ago really changed my life. Not only temporarily, but permanently.
That day 2 years ago made me the person I am today.
But it also made damn huge changes in my life.
The pain I have made me stop training the two sports, more important than anything else.
The pain literally took the carpet away from under my legs. It left me empty.
And doctors could not give me answers. They could not even see how huge a thing it was for me.
Doctors should offer some psychological support automatically for those who have experienced such a big change in their lives.
Yeah, maybe they would not be able to see how huge it was for me.
Like they were not able to see, that the pain already become chronic, and it would not be gone just like that during the next 6 weeks.
And yes, maybe I would have needed to ask for the psychological support by myself, but how you are going to ask it when you are already so fucked up, built a huge shield over you, and made the decision of trying to survive alone?
Yeah, not so easy.

But the pain did not break me.
It was close to doing it. It definitely broke my motivation into pieces.
Put me in some dark place.
Made me think, that I would not be able to be happy without those two of my sports.
But was it my pain?
Or was it my own mindset?

Breaking the protective shield

There are not enough words to describe how happy I am for the people who have helped me to get out of that dark hole.
Who have helped me to get me to the point where I am now.
I might have had a very strong shield over myself, as protection.
But I am damn happy, that there have been people who have been able to break that shield.
Who has been able to prove, that I can trust them, and talk with them about anything...
Who has shown, that the worst I can do, is try to survive alone.
I am so happy for everyone who has been with me along this journey, during all these 2 years.
Thank you!

Also ps. for those who are interested to know:
So far it is day 9/88 at the farm. ;)