Victim of online sexual abuse

In the current world, sexual abuse doesn’t only happen face to face, it happens everywhere.

It doesn’t only happen for those who are from broken families, who are living in a poor condition, who are not close with their parents, who are marginalized…
It can happen to anyone, anywhere.

And nowadays, more and more, sexual predators are searching victims through online platforms. Many of you might think, that parents should see the signs. Parents should control their children so that they won’t get abused etc. But sometimes, they can’t see it. They can’t see it, because at some point, at some age, children/youth can hide it all very well. In the same way, many of them can hide bullying. So please, when you are reading this, and after reading this, NEVER blame anyone’s parents. NEVER.

It starts with something so simple as:
"Hi, how are you?"
It starts in so innocent way and it is not easy to see where it is going before it goes way too far.
It is easy to think, that you would see it, it is easy to think that you would never talk with anyone you don't know.
But it is not that simple always.

How do I know?
How can I talk and write about this like I would know about it?

Because I know.

Because I was sexually abused online when I was young.

It all happened to me, and back then I was too scared, too ashamed to talk with anyone.
It took me almost 10 years to talk.
And that is the biggest reason why I am sharing this, why I am talking and writing about this. Because there are kids out there, exposed to online sexual abuse every day, and most of them are not able to talk with anyone.

Writing about this, as well as talking about this, is still extremely hard for me. This all gives me still anxiety, I feel ashamed and disgust. But that's why I write about it. Because I KNOW what it is like.

It has taken me months to think if I am going to write about this. But then, today, just like a sign, I saw a video on YouTube telling about online sexual abuse. And I knew, this is the time. Now I will share my story.
I will link the video at the end of this post, and I truly hope, that all of you reading this, would watch it. Because just knowing it happens, might save hundreds of children who are going through it.

"Hi, how are you?"

It really started with something so simple as "hi, how are you?"
I got that kind of message on Facebook, and then I started to talk with that person.
We talked almost daily, just normal stuff that people talk about. My school, our days, etc. It didn't show any signs of something that could become sexual abuse.
He told me he was 17 years old (note! He wasn't), and I didn't have any doubt, that he wouldn't be that age. He looked young.
He made me trust him. And I am telling you, they know what words to use, what to say, how to gain the trust. They have done it before, and they keep doing it.
They act like they would be a friend. It all starts like that.

And I was so sure, that now I had a friend. Someone from a different country.
Back then I was obsessed with the country he was from, so for me, it seemed like an opportunity to get a friend from that country.
I am not telling the country here, because that is not the main point.
It happens everywhere in the world, and therefore telling the country doesn't change anything.

"Do you have a Skype?"

First, we talked through Facebook Messenger.
And one day, he asked if I have Skype.
Of course, I had Skype.
Note! It didn't happen within days, it happened within months. I didn't give my Skype for someone I talked for a couple of days. No, I had already talked with him for months.

We continued our regular talking through Skype.

And at some point, we started talking with a video, live chat.
For me, it was also a way to make sure, that there is actually a real person talking with me.
And a way to make sure, that the person is not actually some 40+ aged person.

We continued with our completely normal chatting.
I was, of course, a little worried that my English wouldn't be that good. But he assured me, that my English was completely good. And often, we didn't talk, we wrote to each other. Yes, even though we saw each other through the live video, we didn't necessarily talk. Not always, but sometimes we did.

"Can you send me some pictures?"

Friends send pictures of themselves.
Nothing worrisome.
It was completely normal.
I sent him some pics of me, totally normal ones, selfies, etc. Even though we talked on Skype, we also sent pictures to each other.

I don't know, maybe I started to see him a bit more like just a friend.
I trusted him, and I was able to talk about my personal stuff.
And it sounded like he was interested, he made me think, he cared for me.
We talked long chats.

"Your body looks amazing! Maybe you could take off your shirt?"

At that point, I hesitated.
This happened via Skype (sometimes also pictures).
I told him I don't feel comfortable with it. But he pushed me. Told it is totally ok, that we know each other so well already, so why not? I am anyways on the beach with only bikinis on, so why I would not be able to show him the same way? As he wasn't there to see me on the beach, at least he could see me that way.

It was all about making me believe, that there was a good reason to do things. It was all about making me think, that it was totally normal.
It was making sure, that he made me feel like a "goddess", such a beautiful young girl, such an extraordinary person.

At some age, many of us, need more attention, more acceptance from others around us.
I'm going to admit, at that time, I didn't have many friends. I have never had many friends. And many of my classmates had so many friends, that I wanted the same. I wanted to belong in.
I wanted to have experience in boy things, I wanted to be able to talk about those things. Because, sometimes, I felt like an outsider.
And so many kids/youth feels the same way.

"But I don't want to."

For several times, for the questions like "take off your shirt", "I want to see you without your bra", "please take off your pants", "can I see you on your bikinis?" etc, etc, etc. I told him I don't want to. I told him I don't feel comfortable doing so.
I told it doesn't feel right.

For first, he told me it was ok. He told me I don't have to.
It went like that for weeks. He asked I told no. It was OK.

Until it wasn't OK anymore.

And that is when it all went worse.

I was lured into doing things I didn't want to.
First by complimenting me, telling how beautiful I am. How good looking I am.
Things that a teenager loves to hear.

I did things he asked, even though I didn't want to.
Even though, after every time, I felt super uncomfortable, ashamed.
Ashamed of me and my body.
I didn't see my body in the same way anymore, I felt dirty.
And so badly I wanted to tell my mom "mom, there's this guy I have talked with, and I want to get rid of this dude, but I can't." But I couldn't. Because I was so ashamed of it. I thought that because I was part of it, then nothing can be done about it. I was also one to blame for it. I fell for it. I did the things he asked me to. I was part of it.

Even though I really wanted to get rid of him, I didn't know how to do it.
Especially when he started to threaten me.

"I will share all your pics and videos to online forums."
"Your mom and dad will never look you the same way again."
"I have my contacts, I can harm your family."
"All our chats will go viral."

And at that point, I couldn't just stop it.
I was scared.
I was in there, too deeply.
We didn't live in the same country, but how could I know he wouldn't be able to find me anyway?
I didn't know if there were any videos (yes there were pics because I sent those) but just having the thought, that it would go online, I was too scared to stop.
So I did all he asked because I was too scared to say no.

And the more I did it, the more ashamed I was.
The dirtier I felt.
The more disgusted I felt.

I made the decision to block him

My sexual abuse lasted for a long time.
In fact, I am not even sure how long it lasted.
At least a year, maybe even a couple of years.
I was too scared to stop it and too ashamed to tell anyone.
But at some point, I just knew that I must do something.

I am not sure how I made the decision, and how it happened. But one day I just ghosted him.
I blocked him from Skype and social media. I started to think, that he wouldn't share the videos and pics, because I also have similar pics of him.

Don't ask me where I got the courage to do it.
Because I don't know.

Even though I started to think, that ok, I will do this and that if something happens, I was still scared.
I checked Google image search with different search words to find out if there would be pictures of me.
It haunted me for months. For years.

I still don't know if somewhere on the internet is some pics of me.

I made the decision to hide it

Our discussions with him happened always during night time.
It was easy to act I was sleeping and going to sleep early, when in fact, I opened my laptop and talked sometimes even until 3am.

After I was able to get rid of it all, I started to search online about sexual abuse, etc.
I started to slowly understand, everything that happened was wrong.
I found international pages where was explained online sexual abuse and how important it was to talk with parents or someone else.
But I didn't find much from Finnish websites. I couldn't figure out if it was serious enough to report to the police.
I started to think about how could they even track him down as he wasn't in Finland.
I started to think it was impossible to do anything.

And finally.
I started to assure myself, that it never actually happened.
And, believe it or not, I started to believe it.

That's how I "got over it", or at least I tried to convince myself.
I never got over it.
It was always in my head.
It was always reminding me.
Something always reminded me of it.

Suicidality

I become suicidal.
Everything that happened made me feel so disgusted with myself, that I didn't see any reason to live.
I felt so dirty.
So ashamed of everything.

And over 10 years ago, I first time cut myself. I first time started to think and plan suicide.
I was standing on the pier, letter in my hands, and I was so ready to kill myself.

Obviously, as I am here writing this, I didn't do it.

2019 I finally talked

Somewhere in 2017-2018, I got a message from him. I thought I got rid of him, but he made a new profile and searched me down from Facebook.
He sent "Hi, do you remember me?"
So badly I wanted to say something like "yes, and I hope I wouldn't know you."
But I didn't say anything. I just blocked him.
But then, it all came back into my mind.

But it wasn't before last year, 2019, end of 2019 when I finally had the courage to talk about it.
And I talked about it for the first time in a psychiatric hospital ER. Because for some reason, it all came back into my mind all at once. And it was just too much to handle.
And I wanted to talk. I had to.

There's always someone you can talk to!

I want to say this out loud:

There are people who can help you. If you're currently dealing with shit like this, or you know someone who is going through it, or you THINK you know someone, please talk about it.
I don't want to say, that I can be a good example of the one not seeking help immediately, but that is the truth.

And I know, there are hundreds, thousands, even millions of kids in a similar situation, they are too ashamed to talk.
And for them, I want to say, that you're worth more than anything, and what you're experiencing is wrong. It is sexual abuse. It is real. Please, reach out, so you won't carry all that alone inside of you for years (like I did). It hurts like hell, it destroys you. You can say to yourself, that it is nothing, you can assure yourself, that you were part of it and that's why you can't talk.

NO. That is not true.
They are using you.
They are the ones to blame.
Not you.

Never the person getting abused.
Never their parents not seeing it.
It is the abuser.
He/she is the one to blame.
No one else.

If you are too scared of talking to someone, you can always send me a message.
I can help you to find the places to seek help. Talking to someone, writing to someone, anyone is already a start.

The one who has always known it all. And always sensing if something is not right. Like now, randomly being so close to me all the time. Knowing that I write about a topic that is really hard for me. 

NOTE!

In my case, it wasn't just him. It wasn't just one person. And it rarely is just one.

At some point, there was someone else as well.
I literally trusted three guys, that all betrayed me and sexually abused me.
Some of them were friends together. Which made it even harder to get rid of them.
But the one I am talking about here was the one that I talked with longest. The one that took it all too far, the one that made me trust him with all my heart. He was the one who betrayed me in the worst possible way. The one that didn't give up when I told him to stop and the one who threatened me and that way made me keep going and keep doing stuff to him.

And no, it wasn't only me doing things for him.
It was him doing things I didn't want to see.
But things he forced me to watch.

And he wasn't 17 years old.

He was over 30 years old.
But I got to know it too late.

And I was around 13-15 years old.
I was still a child.

Here's the video I talked about at the start, please, I am asking you, even though it is nearly 10minutes, please watch it:

And thank you so much for reading my story.
I hope it opened your eyes even a little.

The main thing I want to say is, that online sexual abuse is real.
And it happens too much.