Breaking points

I fight for my dreams 24/7, 365 days a year, every minute, second, an hour. I try to stay positive, never give up for my dreams. But sometimes I fail, sometimes I do not feel anything else than miserable. I have those days when I feel like nothing is going to work. Those days, when I return to my old bad habits and later regret.
Those moments are the worst, the moments when I start to doubt myself, my abilities, my strength. These moments usually come hand in hand, at the time pain is worse, or I am bedridden because of something so simple as flu. It always reminds me, how important it is not to take anything for granted.
Life happens, shit happens, and usually, you cannot predict what happens - it just happens.



Rehabilitation 

When I have an injury, I always see a physiotherapist. Or someone, who can help me to get back on track because I know myself. I know without someone like that, I would just make everything worse. I have had hundreds of physiotherapy sessions, I have met tens of different physios, and I guess that is one sign, that I truly try to get back. Always, no matter what, I am always trying to get back.
But in fact, getting back after an injury or with an injury is even harder mentally than physically. The body can do wonders, but what about the mind? The mind should be put into the mode "I can do this, whatever it takes." Which is not always that simple.

Since the day one of my physios told me "rehabilitation is always hard physically, but mentally it is much harder." I have kept that with me, I will always remember that because it describes the reality so well.
And since my doctor told me "this would be easy, if you would not have such extreme sports." I remember that as well. Because somehow it tells me about my dedication, that even with these sports, I am willing to keep going, always trying to get back. Trying to get back, because I want to, I have always wanted. During all my injuries, eventually, at some point, I get the feeling "I want to get back." It always happens, and it happened now as well.
Maybe it would be easy to start living a normal life, maybe it would be less painful, but that is not my life. And that is not a normal life for me.



Mind vs. Body

Sometimes I really feel, that my body and mind are not connected. My mind has the motivation, my body decides without any warnings when I should stop. My body has always been complicated, injuries with no starting point, injuries with so weird start, that even doctors do not understand what is going on, injuries always when doing sport a little harder - a little more than before... Family inherited illnesses without any family history. During all these, I am trying to keep the pace with my mind, trying to understand everything, trying to continue my life without answers.

My body is the one which usually stops me, the part which tells my mind, that I need a break.
The motivation I have is trying to fight against my body. Trying to fight through everything.



Breaking points

So what are those points? What I do during those?
I think. A lot.
My mind is fighting, my body is fighting.
My pain is persistent, but so is my motivation and dedication.
But during my breaking points, I allow myself to break down.
Because that happens to everyone once in a while. And it is totally okay.
No one is meant to survive alone, no one is meant to survive everything just with a positive mind because that is not reality.



Even though those moments are totally normal, I hate it.
I am that kind of person who keeps everything inside, I am not good with talking, opening up. Yeah, sounds crazy, considering that I actually write a lot about those. But speaking? That is totally different.

But what else I do during my breaking points?
I try to find something positive. As always. I am not saying that I always succeed with that one, but at least I am trying.
And the breaking point can be anything. It can be the day my pain decides to get worse, it can be the day I have made a goal to go to gym 4 times a week - and one week I cannot go 4 times, it can be the moment I get flu and I am bedridden for couple days. It can be anything, it can happen anytime, and that is the reason it is impossible to predict. If it would be possible to predict, I would not have those days. No one would.

It is okay not to be okay

This is something I have learned during my journey with this chronic pain. It is okay not to be okay.
And even though it sounds silly, you need to remember, that those days will pass. Even for me, it is sometimes hard to think like that, but it keeps me going.

My body did not win the fight against the flu, so basically what I have done today, is sleeping and watching Netflix. I would have hundreds of things to do; such as writing my thesis, but my mind is not working for that kind of stuff. My mind is not even working for writing a blog, so here are my ideas without any filtering. In a totally same way as they are in my mind right now. In a mess.



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