The day from where everything started

My story about mysterious chronic back pain which led me to stop competitive level hammer throw, made me almost gave up my dreams, and finally made me stronger and fight for those dreams! Writing my story from the start to the point where I am now. Showing the reality of living with chronic pain, the good and the bad, and the worst and the best.
Not because of the need of pity, but because wanting to share for everyone how impossible does not exist, and how important it is not to give up! :)

“But what does not kill you, makes you stronger.”

The exact sentence I sent to my coach 15th of February 2017. The day I was waiting in an emergency room, sitting in a wheelchair because I felt as I did not belong to my body. The next thing is, that the nurse takes my blood pressure, tells me how high it is, which perfectly fits with my description of my pain level. They take me to the waiting room, to lay down, and tell, that I will be sent as an emergency patient to MRI. I was laying on that bed, and I cannot even explain what was going on in my mind.

“But I will be able to compete after a week. That is not a problem at all. This is just something small again.”

When I write that down now, reading the texts I sent to my coach, I cannot help the feeling that comes into my mind. How I was afraid, I tried to stay positive, but I was afraid. I did not want to show that to anyone but reading those messages now, I can see it by myself. The fear, which is possible to see through the positive messages. It did not help my feeling at all when I was lying in that MRI tube, and my left leg was cramping. How I was thinking after the MRI, that it must be something more serious because instead of letting me go home to wait for the results, they sent me to see orthopedic.

“I want you to stay here for a night. I do not want that you go home with that kind of pain.”

How good, that I was already prepared with a phone charger with me. A night in Singaporean private hospital – again. But I was in pain, pain what I have never felt before. I did not want to go home, because I was scared that I will not be able to survive with the pain at home. So, a doctor who says like that, even without asking, felt like a blessing.


In total, I was there two nights. I got root block injection done into my spine, and here is a funny and odd thing about that; few months after I got back to Finland, I was visiting my sister, and she told one of her friends how I was in hospital in Singapore and how they did me operation under anaesthesia to ease my pain. I was like “What are you talking about? I was just in the hospital, they did not do anything?!” 
It is fact, I did not remember it at all. I do not know how and why, but the only thing I remembered was, that I was in the hospital. A day later, I was showering, and I remembered it. Just like that. My mind blocked everything, and even now, I have to read my old blog writings, my messages with my coach, to remember what exactly happened.

When just a saying becomes reality

But returning to the sentence “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” I would have never thought how relatable it would be someday. You can guess, that I never went to that competition, which happened after a week. It broke me into pieces, but I had to listen to my doctor. It was not my only competition I had to skip, I had to skip all the competition during summer season 2017.

But believe or not, I was back on track for a short period of time. 


That happened in August until the end of the October. 
I was throwing the hammer, I had goals again, I was sure I would be able to compete in summer season 2018 (ongoing now in Finland), I was back in Taekwon-Do. But that happiness did not last long. November turned everything upside down again.

Maybe I started throwing too soon, maybe my back was not in so good condition as I thought it was at the time. Who knows, but November was the month which changed everything – again.

More to come 😉

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