Scared of the worst

The past month has been super stressful, especially the last one or two weeks. I think I've not let myself think about everything through, as I've been going to or from somewhere all the time, without really stopping and letting myself to take a deep breath.

I've been successfully avoided my own feelings, and in some way bottled it all up and inside myself.
The smile I've had, has made me, even by myself, to believe that I'm all good. When in fact, all the time, there has been a feeling inside, that something is not right. I'm not feeling the way I should.

For all this time, since I quit the farm work, I have not only felt weird mentally, but also physically. The pain which was already better, went significantly worse during the farming. And unfortunately, I made the decision to continue at the moment, I should've already quit.

Hide it with a smile

And the scary thing is, that for over 2 weeks, I was able to hide all the physical symptoms, which clearly has all been part of my pain. The question is, why did I ignore the symptoms that has all this time indicated that there's something wrong?

Back cramps spreading on my legs. Cramping so badly, that it hurts to walk.

Pain on my calfs. Knowing it comes from back.

Stabbing pain after work day.

Dizziness because of the pain.
Nausea because of the pain.
No appetite because of the pain.

Isn't it scary, that I was able to hide something this obvious even from myself? That I was able to find some "smart" explanation to everything.

It's amazing how much you can hide behind something so simple, as a smile..

And don't get me wrong, I don't blame anyone for not seeing through my smile. Because I was even able to lie for myself with the smile. So don't take it too hard, if you haven't seen that I've been broken. I've not seen it either. And after all, it's my body and my mind.

I'm used to it

At this time it's good to say, that the reason I smile, is not only to hide something, but also because the pain is there all the time. Every day. 24/7. It's something that has been there already for all these 2 years.

So how can I still smile, when there's pain all the time?
I can smile, because I'm used to it. I'm used to something that no one should get used to.
But I have to, because otherwise I wouldn't be able to keep going.

Smile helps me to get through everything. Yes, there's a lot feelings behind that smile. There's pain that I can't really explain. There's feeling desperate, lonely and angry, and maybe it would be easier to show these feelings rather than hide behind that smile.
But with chronic pain, there's feelings that are hard to explain. Feelings that I'd love to explain, but if I don't know how to explain it all for myself, how can I explain it to anyone else?

Fear of making it worse

For over 2 years I've been afraid, that my back would get worse. I was in a very low point in my life early in 2018. Those who knows, knows. Not going more into that now.
I was scared to do anything because I was scared to make it worse. The same time I was thinking to make it worse in purpose, so there would be a way to fix it.

I've been able to get rid of that way of thinking, I've learned safe training methods, I've learned how much I can do, instead of thinking all the time the things I can't do.
This has all been part of being able to start accept the pain being part of my life.

I have had flare-ups, I have had physio appointments, I have had ER visits (for one and other reasons), I have had doctor appointments, heck I even had some kind of surgical examination for my stomach issue.. I've spent a night in hospital, I have had ultrasound for my heart murmur.. I have been scared, in pain, homesick, crying alone, feeling damn lonely... This all has happened during the last 10 months.

The worst news

And yesterday I had to face the news I've been scared of since the last hospitalization in November 2017.
My plan, since the farm work, has been, that I will go to see a doctor and ask MRI once I get back to Finland. This was my original plan, but my physio told, I shouldn't wait. That the best would be, to get to know now what's going on, so it's easier to continue from there.

So for 2 weeks I ignored those symptoms, before I really decided to do something about it.

But did I knew that this will eventually happen?

I don't know. Maybe I had all the time some kind of sense that this will happen. Or maybe I just had a perfect plan B prepared in case it all goes wrong..
After all, my insurance has very bad travel coverage when it's about pre-existing illness. They will only pay me one visit.
This means, that basically the visit I had before my farm work, I paid it all by myself. Which wasn't that bad, because Medicare coverage is pretty awesome! Unfortunately I can't have that one once I come back with student visa.. For some reason, Medicare doesn't cover Finnish students, only Finnish working holiday visa holders.

Anyway, I've all the time told everyone, that I only let my insurance know the moment I really am in trouble. When I have to pay something bigger.
I'm not sure if this is something bigger, so I'm not sure if I should send my insurance an email and ask if they cover my MRI, or wait if I need something else as well.. Probably the best to send email, so it doesn't come as surprise for them. :D
Unfortunately, I cannot have MRI in hospital until I have red flag symptoms, at that time it's considered as emergency. Not before that.

What's going on? 

So the thing is, that my reflexes are worse on my left side, compared to my right side. Yes, this might not mean anything at all. But when it's a new thing, it means that there's something going on. This can either mean 1. Inflammation, what causes my flare-up, and is just taking longer time to heal. But nothing changed in MRI - or a slight change, that doesn't require any actions.
Or the worse possible scenario (what is less likely, but this is possible one as well) 2. That my slight nerve pressure has gone worse, and is now pressing the nerves all the time. Also in this case there might not be any necessary, as soon as possible, actions to take.. But there's also the other option, which is the surgery. You have no idea how even that word, surgery, makes me feel.

My physio told, that I shouldn't worry it too much. And whatever the reason is, it's always a positive outcome. Because whatever it is, it would explain my pain. I hope, I could think the same way..
I was told, that I can continue gym training normally, but I just HAVE to stop the moment I get pain (or at least change a workout), as many knows, this is huge challenge for me.
There's few excercises I should avoid doing until the reason of my increased pain is known. I'm not going more detailed to those, the people who needs to know it, knows it already.
Note! It shouldn't go worse by doing training, as long as I listen my body.

Mental breakdown

Yesterday was a weird day, I had all the time feeling that soon I'll just break down. At the same time I was asking myself "have I forgotten how to cry?" when it all seemed so damn hard.
I admit, that I broke down in a public toilet, in a shopping center. I couldn't go out from the toilet for a while, because obviously I didn't want to look I've cried - would that even really matter..?

Anyways, I still have that weird feeling inside me. And I'm honestly scared, that it all breaks somewhere I don't want it to happen. Like at work, because that's where I spend most of the time during the weekend..
I feel like I'd need to go somewhere where I can be alone for one day and night. Just me, and my feelings. Because at my apartment, there's always someone else. I don't have private room, so I'm not alone even at night. And wherever I go outside, there's always someone else. I feel I'd need a one day holiday or something. Because obviously I can't escape how I feel forever  but I would need a place to release it all, somewhere I could be alone.

Or the other option is, that I simply need a break from my body. Because this pain is exhausting.