I will be back

It has taken me a long time to decide if I am going to write about this or not. It has felt so silly, something so small, and at the same something a little bit even selfish. When someone thinks about their biggest fear, it is usually something like “my family to get seriously ill”, or “death” or something like that. 

And yes, I am also afraid of those, but for some reason, I have realized, it is unnecessary to be afraid of something you cannot do anything about. 

You cannot avoid someone getting seriously ill, you cannot magically cure anyone’s sickness. 

Maybe because I have lost someone very close to me, who survived seven different cancer during her lifetime, has made me realize, that whatever the sickness is, it is possible to survive. Or if not, it is always possible to stay positive.

But still, even if I am saying like this, the biggest fear I have, is that my back gets worse. I know, I know, this sounds so silly. Especially after what I just wrote. 

But this is something I am afraid of. 

Going back to the place where it started

I went through it once. I went from 0 to 100, and from 100 straight back to 0. And that time it took me months to get up from that, it took me months to get up and keep going. And it took me over a year to get my motivation to hammer throw back, and the motivation, that I really want to get back to it, that I am ready to try one more time. This all came just a few months ago.

The thing is, if that happens again if I go back from 100 to 0, I am not sure if I am ready to try again. I am not sure if I have the power to do it again, the willingness, the hope.

Therefore, also knowing that I am going back to Finland in June, and getting back to hammer throw, I am afraid of it. I am afraid that I will return to where I was. 

There I am not surrounded by the people who support me here and going back really scares me.

I escaped from Finland the moment I was feeling the worst. I escaped because I could not change anything over there because I felt I was trapped inside my own body, I felt I was not happy, and I was not happy. I mean I was happy, but at the same time, I was not.

So, I feel scared to go back in three months, to the place where it all happened. 

Where I went from 100 to 0 and could not get back up while being there. 

My family is there, I know they are and will always support me, but I am still scared. 

Getting back to hammer throw

The biggest question is, what happens when I get back to the sport, which, after all, has been the biggest reason for all of this? 

I am so scared, that it happens again, that it goes worse again. It makes me think if I have totally lost my mind when I am seriously considering getting back to hammer throw. And already working my way of getting back to it.

Am I crazy? 

Or am I just passionate about my sport, and not ready to give up?

I do not know what it is, the thing I know is, that I am damn scared of the idea of getting back, and the idea, that I will try to get back. 

And no, I am not only scared. I am also excited, happy and ready to do it.

Mixed feelings

This is also something I talked with the mental coach I met in November 2017, just after my second hospitalization. I told him I am scared, that I am also angry for hammer throw to break my body this way. 

I remember how mixed feelings I had that time. Can you see that also now I have mixed feelings? :'D

I was angry for a sport to break my body, I was so mad, that I was not able to see, that it was not about the sport, it was my actions. It was my way of not listening to my body, not being able to slow down when necessary (seems like I still do not know how to do it), not being able to see, that always trying to hit records, is not the right way.

I was not able to see, that the moments I have made the best throws, has been the moments I have not even tried getting any records. It has been the moments I have been able to throw while being relaxed, no stress.

But what happens when I get back, can I maintain the relaxed mode? 

Not trying too much? 

Listening own body. And what if I can’t do so? Am I going to break my back again? Make it worse again?

I can just guess

I know there is no way I could find answers for any of these now. I can just guess what is going to happen, or let the future come on its own time.

I know this whole text might not make any sense to anyone, it does not make much any sense to me either, but I must write it. I feel like I need to get these ideas out, these thoughts in my head, the things I am afraid of about getting back to it.

What else I am afraid of?

What if I do not like it anymore?
What if it does not feel good anymore?

In addition to those, the one more thing I am afraid of is still the power snatch. And here is the thing: I have totally same thoughts with it as with hammer throw. It has once prolonged (or made worse) one of my long-time injuries (shoulder), and I feel that the biggest thing on my way is my mindset. 

It is being afraid, that something happens. 

Being afraid of something that has not happened, and is not probably even going to happen. But every time I do snatch, I remember the moment I made my injury worse that time, and I feel like it is damn impossible to get rid of that idea.

It is like running hurdles as a kid, falling and next time trying and realizing you cannot run the hurdles because you are scared. Or doing high jump and falling on to the bar, and the next time realizing you are scared of that bar and cannot jump over it. It is all similar to those. 

And also those are from my life, how I never got back to running hurdles nor high jump. 

I will be back

Even though, or because I am scared of those things, I am doing all I can to get back.

I will work hard to get rid of my fear in the snatch.
And I am doing all I can to get back to hammer throw, I will try to start slow, and remember why I am doing it.

I want to have the comeback, and even though I do not want to put my hopes too high, I do hope, that one day, even for one more time, I will compete again. 

After the day I  had to quit triple jump as an order from my doctor, I made the decision, that never again I would stop something without being able to make the decision by myself. It cannot stop for an injury. It has to be my own decision. Not something told by doctors or anyone else. It has to be my own decision, in one way or another.

That is the reason I am so motivated to get back to it.

Because stopping it in the first place was not my decision. It was because I had to. And I am not letting it end like that.

There has to be a way to get back. Hard work, patience and more than anything a passion and motivation.

I will be back.

Not because I would need to prove something (though there is that as well a little), but because there was a reason I started hammer throw in the first place. It has been my lifestyle, and I still feel it is a huge part of my life.

And therefore, whatever I am scared of, I will be back.