Welcome 2019

New Year, New Me.
I am back, and my parents are back in Finland. :'( -- sad emoji for them, because it is cold and dark in Finland at the moment. I truly enjoy staying here, no need to find a warm jacket. 

I am back stressing myself out about everything. 

Just joking. 

At least mostly.

2017 NYE Resolutions

As said before, 2018 changed me. The change was only positive. 

But I have to make it clear, that the change was not my plan.

I did not make any "New Year, New Me." NYE resolution.

In fact, I had only two resolutions.

1. Start eating healthier. --> done.

2. Turn every stone there is to find a way to get my pain away. --> hahah, good joke.

That person, year ago, was not able to face the truth yet. The truth, that there is always a slight possibility, that the answer is not a cure. 

I did not want to believe, that in addition to everything else, I would also have pain for the rest of my life. Who 21 year old would want that? (a totally unrelated picture in below, where I am spending cold -25-celsius weather with my mask to help my lungs survive over the winter)


Of course, anyone would hope for a cure. So, did I. 

But to look back, I can see a very desperate person, trying to find a cure, or trying to find a way to make the situation worse and in that way find a cure. 

It is crazy how far you are ready to go to get something you want. 

Now I know how sick way of thinking I had. 


Sometimes I hope that I would have seen little earlier, that I can have a good life with the pain, as good one as without. 

But I did not let myself to see the possibility, that maybe the pain came there to stay. 

Right and Wrong

But to be honest, I cannot blame myself. What would be your reaction, if a doctor would tell you, after experiencing severe pain for over a year, that if someone would have taken the pain seriously and did something during the first 3 months, you would not maybe have the pain now?

What would have been the right way to act?

Sue every other doctor you have visited?

Write complaints?

Or just forgive, and keep in mind, that also doctors are humans, and sometimes their mistakes can have a huge impact on someone’s else life.

Would it have been best to just continue my life with the pain? 

Learn to live with it? 



I guess my reaction was natural.

I was angry. I was ready to sue every doctor I had visited.

I blamed myself, that I did not believe the first doctor I had in Singapore. Who literally told me, that if no one is going to do the surgery at some point, it might become chronic pain, and it might be that I am not able to get back to hammer throw.

Someone to blame for everything

I remember that first doctor I had in Finland, the one who also “happened” to be an insurance company doctor, who told me, that my pain will go away sooner or later… That it will not go worse, and it will not become chronic pain. But at the same time, he left out so many tests what he should have done asap.

I also remember all those doctors who did not believe my pain. Who told me that I am too young to have such pain, that I am too young to have chronic pain, that my pain would disappear within months because again, I am so young.

Too young to spend 10 days in hospital to get pain relief.


Who could give me back the times I hoped that magic to happen? The false hope what those doctors gave me? 

Who could I blame for the days I lost, because I was in so much pain?

Is there someone I could blame for missing out the fun stuff, because I was not able to stay awake with the meds I had, or I was just again in so much pain that leaving a couch behind sounded way too hard. 



Those were my thoughts in 2018. 

It took me months to see how much my pain has changed me. To understand that I cannot get back what has happened, but I can do something to change my future and stop living in so desperate state of mind.

To understand, that for some questions, I might never get answers. 

For some acts, I might never get apologies.

And when I take a look of my pics from 2018, I can see, that I did not miss out much. I traveled to 4 new countries, dozens of new cities, spent time with friends, got back to training... So in fact, I did not miss out that much, I experienced a lot, despite the pain. But I was not able to see it before.

I am capable, I am powerful, I am not my pain.

It took me a long time to see, that I might have lost competitive level hammer throw, but there is so much more I can do. 

It took me too long to see, that the pain is not me, and it is possible to live and even workout with the pain. 

In fact, it took me over 6 months to realize, that my New Year resolution is impossible in the way I thought it first. Because the answer has never been a cure.


I am happy that I turned all the stones, because how could I otherwise know, that what I have, is simply there to stay, and impossible to cure now.

It has been a long journey to get where I am now, to the point where I have started to accept my pain to be part of my life. 

Accepting that I will have some limitations, but the list is way much shorter than the list of what I still can do.

And maybe one day I am ready to get back to hammer throw. All I need is a bit of hope.


So, did I succeed with my last year resolution?

I guess so.

Not in the way I first thought. And there is still a long way to go to get full acceptance. But I am on my way.

Forgiveness

Sometimes the only way to continue living is forgiving. See the positive side, learn to see what has changed to better, as a result of a negative event.

I will probably never forget, and I do not know if I am ever completely able to forgive some doctors, but I will not let my pain win.

I am here to show, that chronic pain might slow me down, but it will not stop me. 



Hope for the magic


I do remember the shit I experienced.

I see nightmares about so bad pain, that I am not able to move. And sometimes I wake up thinking if I really had that kind of pain at night, but just did not wake up for it.

I remember all those doctors who told me, that my pain will not turn into chronic pain, and that I will be back on track soon.


Why do I keep remembering this?

Why I am not letting go?

I keep it all in my mind for a reason. I think, that your history makes you the person you are today. If you cannot remember your history, it is like you have not existed.

People can disagree with me, go ahead, but for me, remembering the hope I had, that I would one day be pain-free, gives me hope at the moment. It shows, that it does not matter how bad the situation is, there is always hope.

I still hope, that maybe the magic will happen one day. But I do not give myself the false hope as the way I used to. 



Challenges made me, a me

And at the end, would I be me without all the challenges I have faced?

Would I be as strong as I am now?

Would I be able to finally open up to someone I trust, and share my thoughts, share the ideas, the darkest moments – the ones I would more than happily keep to myself.

Would I have had enough courage to travel another side of the world with a one-year visa?

Would I be able to fight for my rights?

Would I be able to see something positive about every situation?

Would I be able to see how well everything is in my life, despite a few challenges here and there? 


No. I do not think so.


And because of that, even though I would take pain-free life back any day, I would not change anything.

Not from 2017, not from 2018.

I would not change even those darkest moments. 

Darkest thoughts.

The days when giving up felt like the best option.

The days when I was crying in an empty parking slot at the night and think if there is anything to do anymore.

The days I felt that my competitive level sport is me, and losing it would be as same as losing myself. – This all shows how one sport can become center of someone’s life. Just like that. Crazy.


I would not change anything, because believe or not, now I can look back and see all the positive changes that happened because of all the negative things. I can see, that it is all related to one thing, without my chronic pain I would not probably be in Australia now. I would not have a better self-confidence, because of the decision to change my lifestyle "a bit". There is so much things that would not happened without me having chronic pain. Which is, again, crazy to think about.



In 2018 I may have lost competitive level hammer throw à but I have not completely lost the hope to get back.

I may have had to start LONG break in TKD à but I would never give up on that sport. I will be back.
I may have experienced some dark times à but I got through it all.
I may have lost my motivation à but thanks to Brisbane, and people here, I got it back.

AND in the last months of 2018, I made the decision to get my life back together. And thanks to that, I am super hopeful about 2019 and welcoming this year with open heart and an open mind. 


Welcome, 2019. I am ready.



Ps. Something so weird happened during writing this which made me lose my mind yesterday... Wtf happened to my font? Could not change it, and it kept coming back to this one, then I could not change other fonts to same?!
Anyway, the font is different now, and I let it be.
Is it even different? Or does it just look different in this writing mode? Cannot figure out...

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