Fear is real
Fear of injury.
Fear of a heavy weights in snatching (my yesterday's workout just confirmed that the same is in the power clean).
Fear of failure.
Fear of not giving it all.
Fear of not being able to keep it all together.
Fear of losing the motivation again.
It all comes back to one fact.
The fact is, being in the injury cycle for 7 years in a row.
Getting used doing training with an injury, knowing that after competition season there will be a longer break.
Sometimes it meant having surgery during that break.
Sometimes it meant having a rest for at least 2 months.
Sometimes it just meant taking it bit slower.
And sometimes it was all this together and in addition trying to find out what was going on with endless tests.
How could I understand, that if I keep pushing myself all the time, I might end back to that cycle?
And then what?
Being "happy" to be back to my normal?
Losing my motivation again?
I have been waiting for this moment for so long.
The moment where I can finally have training season after training season without new injury.
I tried my best to find the reason behind all the injuries I had, but no one seemed to know anything.
It all came to the point where I lost my motivation, and I thought in my mind, that maybe my body is just not meant for sports.
Because what else it could have been? When no one could give me any answers.
Whenever I lifted weights, I got an injury.
Whenever I stepped on the treadmill, I got an injury.
Whenever I was throwing the hammer, I got an injury.
And it all meant a long break from Taekwon-Do as well.
There has been a time when I did not know last time without an injury.
There was a time when someone asked why I was away for so long from Taekwon-Do, and all I could answer was "Oh I just first broke my ankle and then my shoulder."
There was a time when my coaches in Taekwon-Do and the hammer throw did not remember what injury I had at that time. When I had to explain "this hurts too much my shoulder." and the next moment "nope, this is too much for my hamstring."
In fact, when I think it more deeply, I think the last time I did not have any injury was in 2010. Just before I injured my ankle. And I think the ankle injury was the start for my 7-year injury cycle. Below a picture from 2008, time before injuries. ;) with my friend :*
7 years. 2010-2017.
2 surgeries (within the first 2 years).
Over 13 MRI's.
The funny thing is, that for the first couple of times, I was scared of MRI's, I even got a mild panic attack once in that small tube.
Then, after the first few, I become the person who falls asleep during the MRI.
Now if someone would mention, that I need to have MRI, I would probably be like "OK, cool, can I take my own pillow with me?"
I was always the one who could not do everything.
How can you explain to someone who has never had an injury, that you just cannot do everything, even though you would love to?
How can you explain, that your acts are limited, and there will be certain movements you are not capable of doing at the moment?
How can you explain at school, that once again, you need to skip a class, or leave early, because you have to go to a doctor's appointment?
How do you explain it to your teacher and your classmates in the way they will not get suspicious of you having multiple doctor's appointments in a week?
I hated it.
Every moment of it.
Even during my 3 weeks language travel in Malta, I could not attend to all sporting events because of some kind of pain. I was so mad, I hated to just look what everyone else was doing. I was not one of those girls who was sitting there doing nothing because "I do not want to ruin my make up", or "I hate running." or those who even said to me "you are so lucky." damn it, I was not lucky.
I was an athlete, and I was supposed to be able to do everything. At least I thought so, and so did my P.E. class teacher.
I was not able to do everything.
I felt like a broken athlete. And in fact, that is what I was.
I could not even run beep tests at school because of the broken body.
Yeah, I would have loved to run, not sit on the bench and look everyone else running.
And it all was not supposed to affect my P.E. class number, but it did. Like it would even matter. It was not the point.
I was jealous of my friends.
Who was able to run, jump, swim, play, etc. with no issues at all.
Even swimming, the one and only activity which should be perfect for almost any injury, was too much for me.
Even in my confirmation camp, I was not able to participate in every workout. (I chose the track and field camp instead of the regular praying and spiritual talk camp - nothing bad about that either, also we had those talks.) Did I feel lucky that I was not able to do everything? No, I hated it. But the one good lucky thing was, that I had a very best confirmation camp trainer who figured out workout programs for me, and did those with me, because I was not able to participate to those regular workout sessions. I am still so grateful for that guy! :) He definitely made my camp better with ensuring, that also I can do training!
Perfect, but weird.
To finally being able to do so much.
Finally being able to run, jump, do weightlifting and even swim.
And right now, I should not worry about new injuries.
I have an amazing personal trainer, who for sure is trying his best to avoid any new injuries.
And I have a better mindset, which allows me to see which aspects from my history might have resulted in injuries or prolonged injuries.
And in overall, I feel good, which means, that my overall health is much better.
Yes, I am able to run. And I would be able to run much more often if I would shorten the distance of my runs. ;) But hey, how could I stop running in 4km if I feel like I can do more?
I think, that because for 7 years I have had some kind of "routine", I have always had an injury, it is somehow in my head, that I would get an injury now as well.
After all, it has taken 7 years to get fucked up mindset, that it will not just go away in a few days or weeks.
But I am on my way. Hopefully on the right track. At least I was already able to get my motivation back from the zero, so I guess there is only one way to go, and it is up. ;)
Ps. I hoped that my body would give me a break, I guess there was a shooting star at the moment I asked for it, and my wish was granted.
Do not stop believing in magic! It can happen anytime and anywhere.
Fear of a heavy weights in snatching (my yesterday's workout just confirmed that the same is in the power clean).
Fear of failure.
Fear of not giving it all.
Fear of not being able to keep it all together.
Fear of losing the motivation again.
It all comes back to one fact.
The fact is, being in the injury cycle for 7 years in a row.
Getting used doing training with an injury, knowing that after competition season there will be a longer break.
Sometimes it meant having surgery during that break.
Sometimes it meant having a rest for at least 2 months.
Sometimes it just meant taking it bit slower.
And sometimes it was all this together and in addition trying to find out what was going on with endless tests.
How to get rid of that mindset?
How can I realize, that it is OK to slow down? Because right now I am finally away from that cycle.How could I understand, that if I keep pushing myself all the time, I might end back to that cycle?
And then what?
Being "happy" to be back to my normal?
Losing my motivation again?
I have been waiting for this moment for so long.
The moment where I can finally have training season after training season without new injury.
I tried my best to find the reason behind all the injuries I had, but no one seemed to know anything.
It all came to the point where I lost my motivation, and I thought in my mind, that maybe my body is just not meant for sports.
Because what else it could have been? When no one could give me any answers.
Whenever I lifted weights, I got an injury.
Whenever I stepped on the treadmill, I got an injury.
Whenever I was throwing the hammer, I got an injury.
And it all meant a long break from Taekwon-Do as well.
There has been a time when I did not know last time without an injury.
There was a time when someone asked why I was away for so long from Taekwon-Do, and all I could answer was "Oh I just first broke my ankle and then my shoulder."
There was a time when my coaches in Taekwon-Do and the hammer throw did not remember what injury I had at that time. When I had to explain "this hurts too much my shoulder." and the next moment "nope, this is too much for my hamstring."
In fact, when I think it more deeply, I think the last time I did not have any injury was in 2010. Just before I injured my ankle. And I think the ankle injury was the start for my 7-year injury cycle. Below a picture from 2008, time before injuries. ;) with my friend :*
7 years. 2010-2017.
2 surgeries (within the first 2 years).
Over 13 MRI's.
The funny thing is, that for the first couple of times, I was scared of MRI's, I even got a mild panic attack once in that small tube.
Then, after the first few, I become the person who falls asleep during the MRI.
Now if someone would mention, that I need to have MRI, I would probably be like "OK, cool, can I take my own pillow with me?"
Broken athlete
It was not fun though.I was always the one who could not do everything.
How can you explain to someone who has never had an injury, that you just cannot do everything, even though you would love to?
How can you explain, that your acts are limited, and there will be certain movements you are not capable of doing at the moment?
How can you explain at school, that once again, you need to skip a class, or leave early, because you have to go to a doctor's appointment?
How do you explain it to your teacher and your classmates in the way they will not get suspicious of you having multiple doctor's appointments in a week?
I hated it.
Every moment of it.
Even during my 3 weeks language travel in Malta, I could not attend to all sporting events because of some kind of pain. I was so mad, I hated to just look what everyone else was doing. I was not one of those girls who was sitting there doing nothing because "I do not want to ruin my make up", or "I hate running." or those who even said to me "you are so lucky." damn it, I was not lucky.
I was an athlete, and I was supposed to be able to do everything. At least I thought so, and so did my P.E. class teacher.
I was not able to do everything.
I felt like a broken athlete. And in fact, that is what I was.
I could not even run beep tests at school because of the broken body.
Yeah, I would have loved to run, not sit on the bench and look everyone else running.
And it all was not supposed to affect my P.E. class number, but it did. Like it would even matter. It was not the point.
I was jealous of my friends.
Who was able to run, jump, swim, play, etc. with no issues at all.
Even swimming, the one and only activity which should be perfect for almost any injury, was too much for me.
Even in my confirmation camp, I was not able to participate in every workout. (I chose the track and field camp instead of the regular praying and spiritual talk camp - nothing bad about that either, also we had those talks.) Did I feel lucky that I was not able to do everything? No, I hated it. But the one good lucky thing was, that I had a very best confirmation camp trainer who figured out workout programs for me, and did those with me, because I was not able to participate to those regular workout sessions. I am still so grateful for that guy! :) He definitely made my camp better with ensuring, that also I can do training!
Perfect, but weird
So I am not lying, that this feels weird.Perfect, but weird.
To finally being able to do so much.
Finally being able to run, jump, do weightlifting and even swim.
And right now, I should not worry about new injuries.
I have an amazing personal trainer, who for sure is trying his best to avoid any new injuries.
And I have a better mindset, which allows me to see which aspects from my history might have resulted in injuries or prolonged injuries.
And in overall, I feel good, which means, that my overall health is much better.
Yes, I am able to run. And I would be able to run much more often if I would shorten the distance of my runs. ;) But hey, how could I stop running in 4km if I feel like I can do more?
So why I still have those fears?
Honestly, I do not know.I think, that because for 7 years I have had some kind of "routine", I have always had an injury, it is somehow in my head, that I would get an injury now as well.
After all, it has taken 7 years to get fucked up mindset, that it will not just go away in a few days or weeks.
But I am on my way. Hopefully on the right track. At least I was already able to get my motivation back from the zero, so I guess there is only one way to go, and it is up. ;)
Ps. I hoped that my body would give me a break, I guess there was a shooting star at the moment I asked for it, and my wish was granted.
Do not stop believing in magic! It can happen anytime and anywhere.
Have fun watching my video! ;) I do not like the Filmora watermark on that one, and I will probably at some point buy the "membership" so the watermark will be removed... But for now, this is good.
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