Progress in pics

I am going to reveal a secret from my life! ;)
The real reason why I take selfies after (literally) all my workouts, is not only that I am so freaking happy after the workout, and that I want to take selfies... I mean those are part of the reason.
But the biggest reason is, that those pics are for me to see my progress. And those pics are there for me to look at if I start to doubt. If I ever start to think something like "What if I cannot get back to Taekwon-Do and hammer throw?" or "why am I even doing this?"
Those are the moments when I just open my phone, look those pics, and remember why I started, and why I have not given up after any of my setbacks.

Looking those pics also reminds me, that I have been able to get back on track after a long injury, not only once, but twice.
The first one was my shoulder injury, surgery and some aftermaths from the surgery. The whole rehabilitation took over 4 years (2012-2016), and at the moment I decided "this Finnish championship will be my last competition ever in the hammer throw." I threw my personal best and decided that I want to continue.
But the sad thing is, that I literally have like one picture from that time.
Of course, I did not have my fancy phone yet then, but I still feel sad, that I do not have any pics from that time.
So with my back, already from the day one, I decided to take pics. Take videos. Anything, to record and remember my progress.
Because the human mind is something that gets mixed over time. You might think something has happened exactly like you remember, but usually, it has not. Or you might not remember some parts at all.
That is why I decided to record everything. To remember better.
To mostly remember the good moments, but also the moments I was in the hospital.



I never had a plan, that I would share those moments.
I never thought that I would start a blog and post my progress there.
I did have my Finnish blog already then, I did write there something as well.
But my plan was not to write about everything so openly. I never planned to post the pics here, or anywhere else. Those who know me know, that I am not good at opening up about my real feelings. Writing is easier, but I never had a plan to tell (almost) everything to some blog.

Original plan behind having those pics, simply was, that me, by myself, remember every moment I have had in my rehabilitation process. In my process of getting back on track.
I have been able to rise and shine again.
With my back, everything started in Singapore last year, and from there it took me 6 months rehabilitation to get back on track.
But the most important thing is, that I did it.



And I just do not see a reason why I would not be able to do it again.

Do I ever doubt?

I am not a robot, I am a human being, so even though I am a mostly positive person (nowadays - it has not always been like that), and thinking positively about everything, I do have (and have had) the not so good moments. Not so much anymore though, because of the change in mindset, and simply because my back has been better, and I am happier.
But.
I have had moments when I doubt. Who would not have?
I have had those nights when I have been up all night, just because the only thing in my mind has been "why this all happens to me? Did I do something wrong? Could I have changed this?" And this way of thinking is the most dangerous one. Blaming myself.
I have had those moments when I have literally called my hammer throw coach, crying, that all I want to do is just give up.
I have had moments where I have taken obvious risks with my back, thinking "why should I be careful if everything will just lead to the same result at someday?" or even "what if I just purposely make this worse, could it be fixed with surgery then? Quicker, and faster back on track, at least I would have tried everything." --> YES, those are the things I really have been thinking. Those things were in my mind for months (basically still was thinking those in May). My mindset has been really messed up. And now I can see how dangerously messed up my mindset has really been.



I also have been in the bed all day because of having so much pain, that only getting up from bed was too painful.
I also have had medications which made me forget a lot of stuff and made like a totally different person. Kinda scary.
I have been up all night because of pain.
And, this is something I hate to admit, but I have also lied to my physiotherapist about my pain so that I would be able to get back on some exercises faster. -- Note! Not recently, but earlier this year, when I was in Finland.

The truth is that also I have had bad moments.
I have done stupid things, made clearly wrong decisions, which might have made my rehabilitation longer. At least I have been living with a messed up mindset for months...
And yes, I do regret some of my decisions I have made.
But deep inside, everything has also taught me a lesson. And I would never change anything.

Instagram vs. reality

We all know, that most people have the Instagram life, and then the real life.
In my case, I only have my real life. And it is all on Instagram as well. Well not all, but I like to share the truth, not a filtered life.



And the reason I post to Instagram about my progress so frankly and tell about people who have helped to get me where I am now, is, to not only remember it all by myself better in that way - you could not even imagine how helpful my Instagram feed has been when I have been thinking things like "what was the exact date I was hospitalized in Singapore..." It is so much easier to check my IG feed, than scroll down all of my 8000 pics in my phone.
--
So anyway, the other reason is, that there are so many people who might be in a similar situation as I am or have been. And I hope, that maybe my posts can give them a hope. That I would inspire people to keep going, and never give up on their dreams.
I have had some people sending me messages, telling how something I have write has made them chase their dreams, and not to give up.
And that is awesome, if I can help someone by just posting a pic with a short story, I am more than happy to continue posting. -- Well I will continue anyway, haters gonna hate. ;)

My goal is not to please anyone or ask for pity. I just want to share my story. The reality of living with chronic pain (and a few other stuff).
What the chronic pain took from me, how it changed me, how it has made me the person I am today.
And how, in the end, I would never change anything from my past.
Because what I have learned, is, that I would not be here, I would not be me, without all the things that have happened in the past.

The past might be gone, but it has made me the person who I am today.