The constant battle of chronic pain
For me, the hardest part of having chronic pain is how unpredictable it is.
It is like having a constant battle with the pain. One day I am totally fine, the next I might not be.
Another part is, that the chronic pain is usually invisible, and someone like me, who have the strong "I can survive alone" attitude, others rarely know how I feel, what I have in my mind etc.
I might have days, weeks, or even months when my pain is at a very low level, as minimal as possible. It is always there, but when it reaches a number near 0, I might not even notice it anymore. I have had those times now more than ever before. I am super happy about that.
And then, all of sudden, something triggers my pain and it flares. The scary part of any flare-up is, that I never know how long it lasts. It can last just a few hours, or it can last days. Or even weeks, and or a month.
And when I get flare, I always end up thinking if I could have done anything differently to avoid it.
At that moment, it is not only a physical battle, but it also becomes a mental battle. It fills up my mind, my daily life, and sometimes I just cannot get up from the bed, because all I can think of is the pain. Not only the pain but also what I did this time wrong, that I have it again.
I can tell millions of times, that I would never change anything that has happened because the past has made me who I am today. But I would do anything to be able to get rid of this pain. And that is the problem, thinking, that I would like to get rid of it, when in fact, chronic pain means, that I might not be able to get rid of it. Ever.
It has taught me a lot, the pain has been a great teacher, but it just eats me alive. Day by day.
And here I am, thinking, that it has been exactly 1 year and 8 months since my first hospitalization because of this back. I could have never thought, on that beautiful day on 15th of February 2017, that still, almost 2 years later, I would have pain.
I never asked it.
I never wanted it.
Already before my chronic pain, I had a lot of different injuries. I have made fun about it, telling people, that it is easier to say what body parts have not been injured than calculate all the ones I have had. But that is the truth, it is easier that way.
During the years 2011-2016 (which makes it 6 years), I have had almost 10 different injuries, in different body parts. And then, at the end of the year 2016, I was thinking, that maybe finally I would be able to do training and compete without any injury. And then I get my back pain. Yay.
And again I am thinking why the heck it all has to happen to me. What I have done to get it all?
Please stop saying, that it all happens to me because I can handle it all. Because sometimes I feel like I really am not able to handle it all.
As you can probably realize, I have had some kind of mental breakdown today.
I have been thinking a lot today. Too much in fact.
I have been watching Netflix, literally done nothing during the day.
Except had a workout session in the evening, but other than that, I have done nothing.
After a night in the hospital, I had a lot of different tests done. A lot of doctor appointments, stress, etc.
One day, it all was better. Just like that. And since that visit, I have known, that my case remains undiagnosed because all the tests came back clear.
But it was just a few days ago when I received all the doctor's notes from my insurance. Over 2 months later. And there it is written down, the truth, the fact, that I am officially undiagnosed.
And somehow that made it all real.
"The cardiac bruit deserves cardiology attention. I have taken the liberty of proposing Dr.... (*sorry not telling the name), encouraging Katri to seek his advice on the cardiac condition."
I have known this cardiac thing since I visited a doctor because of the stomach problem. I have known, that one day, I need to make the appointment with the cardiologist. I have known it since August, but hey, I have tried to continue normal life, and just avoided it all.
Why? Because I am just so done with all the tests.
But now, when I see that written down. When I see, that even my insurance company doctor (who rarely agrees with anything) writes, that I should see the cardiologist, it all makes it more real.
And here I am in my own thoughts, thinking what the heck I should be doing.
The fact, that this all in addition to chronic pain, in addition to everything else I have and have had, feels just too much.
Somehow it all started to feel too much today.
Still, I was able to get myself together and be able to go to my workout session.
But that is the thing, the fact, that the workout always lifts me up. everything starts to make more sense after the workout. Because the workout is usually the one moment I am able to forget everything else, and just focus on training. That is something I have always needed in my life.
Without the workout, I am even more lost than with it.
That is the reason I am happy to be able back on gym training. At least. Because about 5 months ago, I did not have any idea when I would be back to any training. So I am happy this one and the fact how much I have improved within a few months.
Though I still often think, that how much I would be able to do without chronic pain. Without being afraid of making it worse. Because after all, I might have been diagnosed with my back problem 1 year and 8 months ago, but it was not chronic pain right then.
And sometimes I just feel lost, overwhelmed about all of this.
About all the battle I have on a daily basis, the battle which is more than often invisible. Hidden, but still there. Every day.
But as my shirt says, I will keep moving forward. Because that is all I can do. And after all, that is who I am. Neer giving up, and always keep moving forward.
It is like having a constant battle with the pain. One day I am totally fine, the next I might not be.
Another part is, that the chronic pain is usually invisible, and someone like me, who have the strong "I can survive alone" attitude, others rarely know how I feel, what I have in my mind etc.
I might have days, weeks, or even months when my pain is at a very low level, as minimal as possible. It is always there, but when it reaches a number near 0, I might not even notice it anymore. I have had those times now more than ever before. I am super happy about that.
And then, all of sudden, something triggers my pain and it flares. The scary part of any flare-up is, that I never know how long it lasts. It can last just a few hours, or it can last days. Or even weeks, and or a month.
And when I get flare, I always end up thinking if I could have done anything differently to avoid it.
At that moment, it is not only a physical battle, but it also becomes a mental battle. It fills up my mind, my daily life, and sometimes I just cannot get up from the bed, because all I can think of is the pain. Not only the pain but also what I did this time wrong, that I have it again.
It won't just magically disappear
I was looking through my old pics to delete the not so good ones and get more space to my phone. I came across to the pics where I am doing training. It made me realize, once again, why I am doing all of this, why I keep going. But it also always reminds me, what my chronic pain has taken away from me. Not only the sports itself but the community within the sports.
I can tell millions of times, that I would never change anything that has happened because the past has made me who I am today. But I would do anything to be able to get rid of this pain. And that is the problem, thinking, that I would like to get rid of it, when in fact, chronic pain means, that I might not be able to get rid of it. Ever.
It has taught me a lot, the pain has been a great teacher, but it just eats me alive. Day by day.
And here I am, thinking, that it has been exactly 1 year and 8 months since my first hospitalization because of this back. I could have never thought, on that beautiful day on 15th of February 2017, that still, almost 2 years later, I would have pain.
I never asked it.
I never wanted it.
Already before my chronic pain, I had a lot of different injuries. I have made fun about it, telling people, that it is easier to say what body parts have not been injured than calculate all the ones I have had. But that is the truth, it is easier that way.
During the years 2011-2016 (which makes it 6 years), I have had almost 10 different injuries, in different body parts. And then, at the end of the year 2016, I was thinking, that maybe finally I would be able to do training and compete without any injury. And then I get my back pain. Yay.
And again I am thinking why the heck it all has to happen to me. What I have done to get it all?
Please stop saying, that it all happens to me because I can handle it all. Because sometimes I feel like I really am not able to handle it all.
As you can probably realize, I have had some kind of mental breakdown today.
I have been thinking a lot today. Too much in fact.
I have been watching Netflix, literally done nothing during the day.
Except had a workout session in the evening, but other than that, I have done nothing.
"The case remains undiagnosed."
A few months ago I was in the hospital because of stomach pain.After a night in the hospital, I had a lot of different tests done. A lot of doctor appointments, stress, etc.
One day, it all was better. Just like that. And since that visit, I have known, that my case remains undiagnosed because all the tests came back clear.
But it was just a few days ago when I received all the doctor's notes from my insurance. Over 2 months later. And there it is written down, the truth, the fact, that I am officially undiagnosed.
And somehow that made it all real.
"The cardiac bruit deserves cardiology attention. I have taken the liberty of proposing Dr.... (*sorry not telling the name), encouraging Katri to seek his advice on the cardiac condition."
I have known this cardiac thing since I visited a doctor because of the stomach problem. I have known, that one day, I need to make the appointment with the cardiologist. I have known it since August, but hey, I have tried to continue normal life, and just avoided it all.
Why? Because I am just so done with all the tests.
But now, when I see that written down. When I see, that even my insurance company doctor (who rarely agrees with anything) writes, that I should see the cardiologist, it all makes it more real.
And here I am in my own thoughts, thinking what the heck I should be doing.
The fact, that this all in addition to chronic pain, in addition to everything else I have and have had, feels just too much.
Somehow it all started to feel too much today.
Still, I was able to get myself together and be able to go to my workout session.
But that is the thing, the fact, that the workout always lifts me up. everything starts to make more sense after the workout. Because the workout is usually the one moment I am able to forget everything else, and just focus on training. That is something I have always needed in my life.
Without the workout, I am even more lost than with it.
That is the reason I am happy to be able back on gym training. At least. Because about 5 months ago, I did not have any idea when I would be back to any training. So I am happy this one and the fact how much I have improved within a few months.
Though I still often think, that how much I would be able to do without chronic pain. Without being afraid of making it worse. Because after all, I might have been diagnosed with my back problem 1 year and 8 months ago, but it was not chronic pain right then.
And sometimes I just feel lost, overwhelmed about all of this.
About all the battle I have on a daily basis, the battle which is more than often invisible. Hidden, but still there. Every day.
But as my shirt says, I will keep moving forward. Because that is all I can do. And after all, that is who I am. Neer giving up, and always keep moving forward.
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