My bipolarity
For a long time, my mental health diagnosis was severe depression. Months later, after having several different "tests" done and had appointments after appointments, I was diagnosed with bipolarity. It is still classified as "Other bipolarity" because it is still a new diagnosis.
I have asked others to tell me their questions about bipolarity and especially my bipolarity, and in this post, I will share those questions with answers.
But first, what it means to have bipolarity?
I can only speak for myself and each and every patient is different. You can't diagnose yourself based on someone's symptoms, because for you, those symptoms might actually be part of your personality. For example, let's say, my sister, she is super active all the time, etc. for her my symptoms are totally normal. But for me, those same symptoms are classified as a hypomanic episode.
What is the most common misunderstanding about bipolarity?
In my situation, in my life, I have seen people constantly saying "but that's totally normal for me!" or "I am doing that all the time!" and there's something weird when I hear these. Do they mean that it is totally normal for everyone? Because as said, for you, something might be totally normal, for someone it might not be so.
The other thing is that people often think being in a hypomanic state is fun.
"But isn't it good that you're doing so much stuff all the time? You must be able to get so much done!"
"But isn't this better than depression?"
"You must be relieved to finally being happy!"
Yes, in fact, first it is fun.
But if it lasts for weeks, even months, it starts to be exhausting.
And no, I rather not be in a hypomanic state, and not in depression either.
I actually would like to have my illness balanced and feel totally normal. Because, you know, that is also possible with bipolarity. In fact, it should be like that when your illness is well balanced with the right meds and therapy. You should feel totally normal, normal for you.
So yes, it is fun. First. But then it's just exhausting, and you can't just snap out of it. It doesn't work that way.
You can't sleep much, or at all, and you might even be a danger for yourself.
Hypomanic state
The longest hypomanic episode lasted for over 2 months, and that was how I lived the last 2 months. Now it is finally gone, at least I start to feel normal again. I was twice in contact with my psychiatrist that I was not meant to meet before September...
I finally feel like I can rest and sleep for more than 4 hours. This means, that now I feel tired more, because of not sleeping enough for over 2 months.
And I can finally write this blog post, as well as write emails. Because, before, there have been too many thoughts in my head, and I have not been able to see through those thoughts, haven't been able to grasp my racing thoughts.
It took me a week to write and finish my email to my personal trainer. Just a normal email telling how I am doing and what's going on in my life.
And it took almost a month to write an email to my school counselor, only to realize she's on holiday until the 10th of August.
And you know what? I can finally watch one episode on Netflix without having the constant need to do something else at the same time.
Slowing down
When I am having a hypomanic episode I should try to slow down as much as possible. This means that I am constantly fighting with my mind. When my mind says I should be doing something all the time, I should actually do nothing. I should put everything to a minimum, this means not doing much else than going to work.
My own ways to slow down are doing crossword puzzles, watching Netflix (not so easy, I usually end up doing something else at the same time such as playing with my phone, doing laundry, etc.), meditate, just sleep, etc.
Sometimes even working out is too much and triggers my hypomania. And if I can't slow down on my own, as what happened last time, I contact the place I am getting treated.
Is there a bipolarity in my family?
No. I am always the one getting all the illnesses that are usually hereditary...
BUT my mom has told me that there are some similarities in symptoms in her side of the family. So it could be hereditary as well.
As far as I know, no one is really officially diagnosed with bipolarity in our family.
What kind of depression you have?
Well, my first diagnose was severe depression, so I guess that already tells you something.
My depression is severe, and that is the reason why I am afraid of it. Especially now that my hypomanic episode has lasted this long.
There is this thing people say:
"The longer your hypo-/manic episode lasts, the worse your depression will be."
And that is the reason I am afraid of depression. Especially now that my hypomania lasted that long.
Also, especially now that my physical health is not that good, which means it automatically affects my mental well-being at the same time.
What kind of meds you are using?
I'm on mood stabilizers, which means I am using both, depression preventing and treating medication, as well as antipsychotics used to prevent and treat hypo-/manic episodes. Full prevention is not always that simple, but it should make both episodes less severe.
I have always been the kind of person who hates to take medications. Not taking meds before it's really necessary. So taking meds for my mental health was really hard first, and is still a bit. Thoughts like "why should I take this every day if I feel better some days?" and "I am not sick." were racing in my head all the time. I was not in terms of my illness(es), and I'm still not, but I am getting better with accepting everything.
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