The final diagnose

M51.1 Lumbar Disc Disorder with Radiculopathy.

That is my final diagnose.
That is something that I cannot hide, or try to hide with thinking something else.
That is in my medical files and records. I can see it all the time, as well as the doctors who are treating me with any other issues. It is there, and it will not just go away.

Right now I have given 3-4 months time frame.
If my pain will not improve, my doctor is ready to take the risk and try if surgery could give me some relief.
At this point, right now, it is too risky to try it.
My issue is small, in a medical point of view, and surgery could even make my pain worse. So my doctor wants to be sure, that before seriously considering surgery, we have tried absolutely everything else.
I have been told, that if during those months, at any time, I feel my pain will get worse than this, I must see my doctor again. 

What does that diagnose basically mean?

I was told the same by my doctor as well as the doctor who did the EMG & NCS, there is no test that would be 100 % accurate. And at this point, my symptoms strongly refers, that I have had nerve damage at some point, and even though it is not visible in any of the tests I have had, it has caused me in some levels permanent radicular pain. 
Also, because I still have slight nerve root contact, it means, that in some movements the contact might be bigger, and that is the reason for my pain.


BUT this kind of issue is not so easy to just get rid of.
If I would only have leg pain, surgery could be the immediate answer.
But since I also have back pain, surgery will not probably do anything for that.
And that is the reason to wait for 3-4 months. If there is no improvement with my leg pain either, it is worth to think about the surgery, and it could relieve my leg pain.

This is not easy

For me last few weeks, or more like a few months, has been a time to really think things through. 
I have had to give up on things that are important for me, just because it has been time to think of my health.

I have realized, that no matter how much I try to think, that I am completely fine with everything, that is not true.
I had to give up my sport that has been my full identity for all my life (will write a separate post about that later).
I have had to face the truth, that even with my other sport, I have to give time and see if things improve.
I have had to admit to myself, that I cannot go to the gym as regularly as I would love to.


It has taken me a very long time to be able to write something about this.
Everything is still a very big mess in my own head.

Currently, between my work and everything, I am trying to find a doctor close by, that has knowledge about chronic pain patients, and who could make me a real pain management plan.
I do not have it yet, even though, even in my medical files, my pain has been told to be "severe".
I do not want to be dependent on medications, but at this point, I think I need some medications to be able to live and, especially, to be able to get full night sleep.

I am not able to survive alone

In the end, I have had to change my point of view in many things, as well as realized, that I cannot just try to survive alone.
I have been asked to get added to different kind of online support groups, and have started to look more into therapy. Someone to talk to. 
Because whatever I am saying or writing, it does not take away the fact, that chronic pain changes the person having it.
And I am just trying to avoid it changing me the wrong way.

I do not want more sleepless nights.
I do not want to try to avoid talking about my pain, because of knowing that it would just break me down.
I do not want to close my eyes from the obvious truth, that everything is not OK.


I need help.
I need support.
I need people who understand, who tells me that they are not going away.
And I need real help in a medical point of view because this pain sucks, and I am done with it.

I keep fighting.
I am still always finding something positive about everything.
I still will not give up.

All the love. xoxo

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