My life before vs. now

"I have two options, either fight or break down. Rise up or fall down. Alone between four walls, I can be afraid of the world, but I decide choosing to live." ~ Uniikki, Jannika B (Valitsen elämän)
Translated words from one of my favorite songs, from the part that perfectly describes my experiences, my thoughts, my life.



As everyone already probably knows, it has not been an easy journey with my chronic pain. It has included a lot of pain, tears, hopelessness and even giving up. It has never been easy, not at the start when I still had all my hopes and dreams left, not in the middle when I lost everything, and not now when I have again the courage to dream and dare to have goals.
During all these 2 years, it has not been easy, but it has been easy to act that everything would have been ok. When in fact, it has not been perfectly ok.



For already 2 years I have been afraid of making it worse, almost every day. It has been living in fear. And the time it really went worse, I lost hope, and I become afraid of making new plans. Because I was afraid to lose it all again.

February 2017 changed my life.
It did it again in November 2017.
Both times were something I really could not much change the thing that happened. But I could have acted differently afterward.
The next big thing it all changed again was because of my own decision in August and December 2018.
And once again, just a few weeks ago, it all came back. It hit me hard.
"It is permanent damage, it will not get better."
Thanks, doctor, that will definitely make me feel better.



But regardless of what has happened, I decided that this time I will not lose my hope. I will keep going, because, regardless of how bad I would feel, I already know what giving up feels like. And I do not want to experience something like that again. I do not want to fall somewhere so deep ever again.

Being scared.
Losing own dreams.
Losing hope.
Failure.
Trust issues.
Self-esteem issues.
"I'm fat."
Binge eating.
Sugar Addiction.
Fasting.
Stress eating.
Crying.
Staying up the whole night.
Sleeping all day.
Loneliness.
Sadness.
Desperation.
Pain.
Severe pain.
Not believing in myself.
Feeling guilty.
Losing own identity.

VS.

Happiness.
Finding myself again.
Finding the real identity.
Strength.
Hope.
Believing in myself.
Dreaming big.
Trust.
Healthy life.
Smiling.
A plan.
Forgiving.
"Damn I look good."
Building up new dreams.
A light at the end of the tunnel.
Eating.
Training.
Going out.
Having fun.
Enjoying life.

Still in pain, but
Loving own life.

And loving myself.

If you read it all, then thanks. You just read what my life was like first, vs. what it is now.
Even though the "after" list is actually shorter, the words in there are much more powerful. The first list has all the things I saw as a bad thing, that in the end, turned out something beautiful.

Yes, chronic pain destroyed my life at first (or it at least felt like that), but it also helped me to build a new one.
Yes, I still have pain, that my doctor told to be severe pain. It affects my everyday life, and I never thought, that I would someday be the person who is not able to do anything during the day because of pure exhaustion. The only thing I have done today is writing this blog post, other than that, my day has been filled up with sleep and waiting for the day to end.

Fun times.

But still, I love my life. And after a very long time, I again have dreams and really ready to fight for those.




Kommentit

Lähetä kommentti

Tämän blogin suosituimmat tekstit

Indian medicine - Ayurveda clinic

Kuva
I am always ready to try different methods to get my health better, especially my back because I've been fighting with it for 4 years. I'm using 3 different medications for the pain, and those are not the ones to only take when needed. I've been reading about natural medicine a bit, but haven't really done anything related to it. Maybe because of being scared or skeptical or whatever reason, there could be behind it.  But now, my mom found about Ayurvedic medicine , which is traditional and also one of the oldest natural holistic medicine. She, of course, told me about it and after that, we made an appointment with one practitioner in Finland. He has been studying in India, so it sounded promising. The main idea for me was to go there open-minded. No pre-assumptions. And I totally went there like that, because I didn't know much about it. I just knew what was written on their website, and that's all. BUT I had a goal in my mind, one day reduce the number of my
Lue lisää

Victim of online sexual abuse

Kuva
In the current world, sexual abuse doesn’t only happen face to face, it happens everywhere . It doesn’t only happen for those who are from broken families, who are living in a poor condition, who are not close with their parents, who are marginalized… It can happen to anyone, anywhere . And nowadays, more and more, sexual predators are searching victims through online platforms. Many of you might think, that parents should see the signs. Parents should control their children so that they won’t get abused etc. But sometimes, they can’t see it. They can’t see it, because at some point, at some age, children/youth can hide it all very well. In the same way, many of them can hide bullying. So please, when you are reading this, and after reading this, NEVER blame anyone’s parents. NEVER . It starts with something so simple as: "Hi, how are you?" It starts in so innocent way and it is not easy to see where it is going before it goes way too far. It is easy to think, t
Lue lisää

2 years in pain

Kuva
"So I am still waiting & hope, that my pain will not celebrate its two years birthday party." Here I am, thinking if I should get a cake or hit a gym harder than ever before. (later added note: I went to the gym). And I ate too much when I came back. I mean too much stuff I should not be eating, but I guess that is better than nothing? It has been exactly 2 years from the day I went to hospital first time with my back. I went there by train. Walked in with own two feet, in pain, but still walked in. And immediately after I told what is going on, I got a wheelchair (which I did not want, btw, if that even matters.) After seeing some nurse, I was sent to a small wardroom, and told, that I will be sent as an emergency patient to MRI. I can remember almost everything what was going on in my head. But what I can remember best, is, that even though I was sending messages to friends, family and my coaches, telling that I am totally OK, I was scared. So freaking scared.
Lue lisää