Mental health struggles

So how does it feel like to lose hope? To lose the willpower to live? To feel too tired to get up in the morning? To just feel exhausted?

It has been a few months since my last post (in fact more than just a few months). I could list probably hundreds of different reasons why I have not posted anything.
But there is just one real reason, and it is, taking care of my mental health.
While writing has always been my way to tell about everything, I realized that all my thoughts were so messed up in my mind, that writing was literally impossible.
I even had a short break from social media, because I just did not know what to write. And I also had to think about what I want to share, and what I want to keep to myself.
For a short time, I thought I will turn my Instagram to private and not post about everything. But then I realized, that it helps me, and maybe it could help someone else as well.

Getting diagnosed

At the end of September, I was diagnosed with major depression, along with other mental health issues (anxiety and panic disorder, PTSD). Currently, I am seeing a psychiatrist nurse once a week, and I am also keeping track of my sleeping habits as well as my mood. These all because the best guess is, that I (also) have bipolar disorder type 2 and borderline personality disorder.
Making diagnoses like those is not that easy, and it is just a good thing that they take everything into account before making any definitive diagnosis (and start medications).
It is just not so straightforward, it takes a little time.



I have an amazing family, friends, cat, and my job(s).
I know I could not leave everything. Each and every person in my life (and my cat) needs me, and I need them.
And I still dare to dream, in my opinion, in fact, as long as I have dreams, there is also hope.
If I lose my dreams, think that there is no future, then getting through it all would probably be much, much harder.

I have never wanted to die.

My life is pretty good.
As said, I have family and I have friends.
I have a roof over my head, in fact, I am searching for an apartment with my friend.
But still, sometimes I just feel super desperate, hopeless and alone.

In fact, my desperation reached the point where I saw that my only way to survive was to go to a psychiatric hospital.
And for those, who think that psychiatric units look and are like in movies, this next sentence might make you feel uncomfortable, scared or just surprised:

"Without my psychiatric hospitalization, it might be that I would not be here right now writing this. It saved my life. Right at that moment."

I was there only 3 nights. Middle of October.
But those 3 nights and days were enough to get me out of the worst desperation.
I got useful ideas on how to ease my anxiety attacks, or even make those disappear.
I was able to talk with the nurses and a doctor if I ever felt like I needed to talk.
And those 3 nights made me realize, that there are others, just like me. Others who are there to get help, those who have lost hope, but realized they want to live one more day, and for that, they need help.

"Consultation of a suicidal person."

One of the hardest things was reading my medical records afterward.
Read the reason why I was there.
I knew it, it was me who said it to the psychiatric unit ER doctor.
But it was something I was ashamed of. Shocked. Sad.
When my friends and family were questioning what was the reason, I told my anxiety just went so far.
That was just one part of the whole story.

The whole truth is, that I went there because of suicidality.

I was scared of my own thoughts. Those dark thoughts, that made me think, that I could actually hurt myself.
At ER I told that I might hurt myself.
That I was not able to promise to walk away and be safe at home.
All this, even though I never wanted to die.



When I say I was scared of my own thoughts, I do not mean anything light.
I mean serious stuff.
And please. Stop reading now if you get triggered by suicidality and self-harm.
Even if you would love to have peer support, please, think yourself, if you get triggered by those things, do not read further. Thanks.

TRIGGER WARNING - suicidality, self-harm, mental health

Everything that I write here. Below this, and above this, is not easy.
This post has literally been one of the hardest ones to write.
It has lasted so long, for years, and now that I finally dare to talk about everything, it feels too hard. Because I have never got used to talking, nor writing about mental health.

But here goes nothing.
Maybe this could help someone out there feeling they are alone with everything they are going through. Believe me, you are not.

"What if I would just drive off the bridge?"
"I just need to hurt myself. In some way. In any way. To feel alive. To feel something."
"What if I would just jump and dive into the water and never come up again?"
"Would I die if I would just crash my car on the middle railing?"

"What if I would just jump on the rails when the train/subway comes?"

Those were the thoughts.
Those thoughts led me to the ER that night.
Those thoughts were with me for a week before I made the decision to seek help immediately.
And you know what the triage nurse asked me?
"Do you already have a doctor with who you can contact in an emergency?"
Like yeah, I did have, but those places are open only from 8am to 4pm. Not at 1am. Not when I would really need help.
I would never go to the ER if I would feel I could wait until morning. That night was not like that. I needed help ASAP.



The doctor I met, with who I also had the appointments in the psychiatric unit, and all the nurses told me how damn brave I was to seek help. To get to the ER before doing anything to myself.
I was also told, that I should do that again if I ever again would feel as desperate as back then.

"You cannot escape suicidality, but you can learn to live with it without doing anything to yourself.
And one day, you will realize, it is all behind already."

In the psychiatric unit, for the first time ever, I was told, that suicidality with depression (especially with a major one) is totally normal. It is totally normal after experiencing trauma, and all the flashback memories, the nightmares. And that in fact, there are several different ways to get rid of self-harm. There are ways to cope, that are not harmful to me. Ways to get distracted. Puzzles, chili candies, stress/massage balls, coloring books, ice (yep, you read that right), cold water, sauna, hot water... Some of those totally normal things, others a little strange ones.



The things that have happened in the past will not just go away. I cannot erase what happened in the past.
I cannot just forget.
Well, I did. But it came back. Because I was avoiding it, pushing it all away.
And it will keep coming back if not talked through.
Some day, I will learn to live with all of it.
To have it all as part of my past.

And one day, I can share it all here as well.
But not now. Not today.

This is just a start.

This all has been extremely tough.
Especially as it includes things I have not told to anyone for a decade.
It is still tough.
And I know there will be so many more extremely tough days. Because right now, this all is just at the beginning.

My journey of living with serious mental health issues has just started.
The things that I hid for so long, have become things I must learn to talk about.
Talk about everything, to get over everything.

But at this point, right now, I can say, that I am not giving up.
I have dreams, I have my want to live.

xoxoxo