Mental health - moment of truth

"I never thought, that one day I would reach out for mental health struggles. But the same way, I never thought, that I would one day have chronic pain."

I think that sentence describes everything perfectly.
Right now, right at this moment.



Living with constant pain is not only about pain.
The longer there is a pain, sooner or later, it will start to affect everything else as well.
Mental health as number one.
There are thousands, or even millions (who even knows the actual number) who have even ended their own life because of chronic pain and the lack of proper pain management. A thing not to joke about.

Mental health struggles are becoming more and more acceptable around the world, but still, it is a taboo. It should not be a taboo, people should not be afraid of telling they are struggling mentally.
We have to be able to talk about it, share information and be more accepting.
The best way to do this is through the people who are middle of everything. The ones that are struggling.
Yes, it is hard. 
And yes, there are our family, friends and even medical specialists who can share information and spread awareness, but they cannot tell it the same way as those who have or are struggling with it.

Spreading awareness is important, so that, one day, there would not be people ending up making the decision of suicide, because of not being able to live in their own body. Because they have not been taken seriously at the time of reaching out.



That is the reason I am writing this post right here and right now.

To spread awareness.

I will tell you about my struggles.
The ones that have been hidden for way too long. The ones, that I have been hiding because of the feeling it is a taboo and thinking I am meant to survive alone.
The ones, that have made me stronger in so many ways, but the same way have also made me so much weaker.



I am going to write about things, that I still see as weaknesses, and I do not like to show my weak spots.
But I am going to share this because I feel it is needed to do so. Not only for awareness, but also for me.
This is my way to tell my struggles. Writing.

And people need to know they are not alone.
I know how feeling alone feels like. I really do know.
Even though I know I am never alone, I still know how it feels like.

People need to know, that chronic pain/-illness can lead to mental health struggles.

People need to know, that anyone can get mental health issues. No one is "safe".
You do not need to be a "troubled" person to get mental health issues, you can have everything in the world and still struggle mentally.

But people also need to know, that eventually, one day, all the struggles will be your greatest strengths.
You will get through it.
And so will I.

The moment(s) I realized something is wrong

The day I fell asleep while driving, I realized, that a person who has everything alright will not just fall asleep while driving.
It was the first wake up call for me, that something is wrong.

The next wake up call was at work, when I realized, that my learning has taken longer than usual.
I noticed, that I cannot remember even the simplest things, the ones I should definitely already know.

The third one was when I realized I am constantly living like a zombie.
Cannot even remember the time I actually got full night sleep - it has been months!
Note! Just got full 9h sleep last night! YAY!



These all realizations came one after another, and I still realize warning signs, that I used to just ignore.
It all started to clear up after that nearly fatal event, that could have ended really badly.

Something has to change.

It has taken me probably hundreds of messages to at least 5 different people.
3 different official phone calls, and one ER visit.

Yes, ER visit.
For mental health struggles.

But it was not acute.
At least I did not see it like that.
And after all, I had to wait for 4h before a doctor was able to see me.
Believe me, during those 4h I did not think only once or twice just escaping and going home. I was shaking, I felt nauseous and I just wanted to go home and forget everything.
But I stayed there because I knew I have to.
And not only, because I made a promise to a few people, that I would stay there, but also because deep down, I knew I have to stay there. For me.



I was suggested to go to the ER over the phone. Just because there were not any available appointment times in the near future.
That is what happens during the summer months - everything is closed, and everyone has a holiday. Yep, even doctors, because believe or not, also they are human beings. ;)

I also managed to book an appointment to the pain management specialist. With the help of one private clinic. I was suggested to see one of the best ones. To be honest, there are not much pain management specialists in Finland, probably just under 5 in the Southern part.
I got it done, booking the appointment I mean. And it is at the end of this month. :)

"No, I am not taking any medications to my severe pain. But it is because no one has taken me seriously here before."

I would have loved to say those exact words, when first a nurse and then a doctor asks me if I have a pain management plan, and why I do not have it.
But I did not say it.

Why?

Because I am done living in the past.
I do not want to blame anyone anymore.
I want to move on and be able to see the future and see the hope that my pain can be reduced, and that I could one day live semi-normal life again.

But that is basically the truth.
That same place, same health care center, never took me seriously 2 years ago.
And I cannot just stop thinking, that what if they would have taken me seriously from day 1, would I still struggle (or have struggled) as much?
--> Truth to be told, I do not want to think it too much. After all, my life would be probably totally different, and I am not sure I would have experienced so great things as I have now experienced. :)



But this just showed me, that something has to change.
Doctors should listen to their patients more, make referrals to specialists rather sooner than later.
We cannot know how many great souls we have lost because of the fact, that doctors have acted the right way too late.

Strength to fight, but not alone.

Too tired to smile through the pain.
Too tired to act that everything would be totally alright.
Too tired to always stay strong.
Too tired of trying to fight alone.

I basically have the base of my life in a very good condition.
I have both parents. They are alive and they are together.
I have a sister.
My family is close.
I have friends (who I can literally talk to about anything).
I have a cat (who is just right now sleeping next to me).
I have a home.
I have food.
I am working (so I also have money).
And I have just come back home from the time of my life in Australia (ok, almost 2 months ago, but still).
I have dreams.

What I am trying to say is, that I am loved.



But it does not change the fact, that I am still struggling in my life. Not only physically, but also mentally.
Because mental health problems do not come just for those who have something terribly wrong in their lives.

I am loved, and I still got referred to youth (under 24 years old) psychiatry clinic.

I was told by the doctor in the ER, that right now the thing I need most is getting my pain under control. It is affecting everything else in my life, and my insomnia/painsomnia is also affecting hugely my mental health.
I was also told, that more than anything, I would need to see a pain management psychiatrist because as said, the pain is probably the reason for my mental health struggles.
And it is true, I am tired of the pain, and I need to talk about it with someone.
Also, over time, I have learned, that seeing a psychiatrist or going to therapy because of pain, does not mean, that the pain would not be real. But chronic pain is hard to treat, and it does affect also mental health, that is why there are specialists for that.



So the day I see that pain management specialist, I will also ask if I could get a referral to pain management clinic - which, I was told, I should already be in - and eventually from there to see pain management psychiatrist.
Because I was told by the public health care doctor at ER, that getting a referral from a pain management specialist could speed up things, so I should ask from there.
Fine for me.

The ultimate truth is, that at this point it is not all about using pain medications and just getting my pain under control.
I also need someone to talk to about everything.
I have amazing friends to support me, but I also need someone who does not know me.
And with who I can talk more deeply how it feels to lose own sport, and own dreams because of chronic pain.
I need to get rid of blaming myself of this situation and start to see the good that has happened because of my pain.

I am getting there.
Things are already getting forward.

xoxo :*

PS. Please note, that not all pictures are taken by me in this blog post. Some are taken from Pixabay as in illustration purposes. :)