Never Giving Up

It has taken me a long time to get to this point, to the point where I can honestly say, that whatever happens, I am not going to give up on my dreams.



And I know there are people who do not understand this and might never understand. I am not blaming them.
If you do not get it, maybe you are a person who has never had a setback, or maybe you have given up chasing your dreams after setback, maybe you have never experienced real dedication and want to achieve something.
And if you have not, there is no way you could understand.
It is OK, maybe one you will understand it all.

Back to the point:

I will keep coming back

I know I have been writing a lot before how I am not sure if I could face any setbacks anymore and fight my way back from there.
This just proves that it has not been long ago when I still thought that way.

Now I think, that whatever comes on my way, I will be back.
I will keep fighting.
I will keep coming back.
As long as I think something every day, I must have the want to get back to it. Right?



Honestly, life without my sports is just something hard to imagine.
The time away from my sports has been weird. It has been OK, and definitely a very eye-opening experience.
In 2018 Spring (note! I am talking about Springtime in Finland, not in Australia where all seasons are upside down - so around March, April, etc.), I already started to believe, that maybe I just need to find something else, maybe I just cannot get back to hammer throw and Taekwon-Do.
In fact, I never thought I would be back in weightlifting either.

Needed break

I would have never believed, that someday I would say this, but I think the break I have had, has been a good thing. I needed that break. Over 1.5 years since my last hammer throw training, and almost 3 years since my last competition.
If anyone would have said to me "Hey Katri, you will want to get back one day, it just might take years." I would have never believed that. Even though my hammer throw coach has all this time said, that one day I want to get back. I guess he has been right all the time.

If I look back and think what kind of person I was, for example, a year ago, I can see, that the way of doing things, thinking about everything and how I acted, those all are something that would have made me give up my dreams eventually. In the long run, all the things I did, and who I was, would have made me stop because nothing I was would have anyways worked out in the long run.
Of course, I could not see this back then, but I can now clearly see everything, that was right in front of my nose during that time.



Eventually, if I would have continued the way I was, I would have lost my motivation (which in fact happened already), and/or I would have just keep injuring myself over and over again (which also happened).
No matter how hard I would have tried to get somewhere, I would have never been able to do it, because I never had the real dedication. I never had real dreams.

This sounds so harsh, but it is so true.
I can see it now because now I have all of that. Dedication, motivation, and dreams.

"It is not possible"

Probably one of my biggest problem all that time was, that I never truly believed in myself.
I was afraid of making any long time dreams or plans because I never truly believed that I would achieve those. I never believed that I would still throw hammer years later. So basically even though I have always loved hammer throw, for years, I did not see any future in that sport.
I could not see myself throwing hammer when I will be 80 years old grandma - now I can actually imagine myself doing that.

"Are you going to compete in Olympics in the future?"

This is the most common question I have been asked.
I was constantly asked what were my goals, and when I told the Olympics are not my goals, everyone somehow got really weird. Yeah, I am doing a sport where you can get to the Olympics, but do you actually know how a small percentage of athletes really get there?
And no, it is not everyone's goal.

But I was never able to answer questions like that.
Not even if someone asked my short-term goals.
In fact, I even remember sometimes answering "No, I am not dreaming of international competitions, it takes so much hard work to get there, and you have to be so good. I will not probably never be that good."

So what were my goals back then?
I do not know.
I honestly do not know.
And I did not know back then either.
I was just throwing the hammer, and competing without actually having any real goals or dreams.
No wonder, that I never got the result I was waiting for.

Of course, I have always had some goals. But thinking now, I would see those more as hopes. Hoping, that I will get it, but not really working to get it. Of course, for example, during and after every injury, I tried to get back. But my motivation was not enough, so I often just never did my physio movements (did them only during the last few weeks). I am still so bad with physio movements, always forgetting, even though I want to get better and make my pain less. But here is a picture from 2017:



Did I believe those small goals I had?
No, not really.
It was more like just figuring out dreams so I could have a ready answer for those who constantly asked about my dreams.
It was not for me, just for the people who needed an answer to their question.

Fucked up mindset

So my three biggest problems were:
1. Not believing in myself enough.
2. Not having dreams/goals.
3. Fucked up mindset.

It is easy to say and see now how fucked up mindset I had back then.
There were people telling me, that I am "moving in dangerous waters", and should stop before doing more harm than good.
My way of thinking was just terrible - I am not saying it would be perfect now, it is far from that. But that way of thinking made sure, that I was never able to get away from the injury cycle I was in.



I visited so many doctors because of my injuries, thought that maybe my body is just not able to handle sports when at the same time, I was with my own acts making the situation worse.
I was not that much about my body, it was about my mind and the way I acted.

Rest days

I always (well almost) had a workout program to follow, and it also had rest days.
Did I ever keep my rest days as rest days?
Never.
Did I do more than in my program?
Always.
Did I leave some very important parts out? (warming up, stretching...)
Always.

I sometimes had really crazy days.
Once I woke up early, went to the gym, came back and decided to do 60km cycling (out of nowhere), it was a great experience though!
But I also had this very unhealthy, and even dangerous ways to do training.
I had some crazy workout days when I was working out up to 7h in a day (not any training camp or anything, just a normal Saturday).
And the next day the same.
Even if I would have had some injury.



Still, I was wondering why the hell my injuries are not getting better, or why I was getting new injuries.
I can see it all now...

"I have to do this, so I am able to do that."

I had this very weird idea in my head, that I have to do something, to be able to do another thing.
I was constantly worrying, that if I am not doing something, I will never get anywhere.
For example, I was thinking if I am not able to do a power clean with some specific weight, I will never be able to throw hammer further.
And yes, there are some guidelines on what gym results you should get, to throw for example 50m. There is a chart for that, and different results, but no one ever said, that if you do not get 60kg in power clean, it would automatically mean you cannot throw 50m.
In fact, it is just showing, that the time the gym results are within those guidelines, there should be enough strength to throw 50m. --> if that makes any sense.
I was not able to see that back then.

And yes, of course, unfortunately getting bullied, and mentally put me down in every damn workout, has something to do with everything. Especially as I was often told, that I should get more in something because I am hammer thrower etc.
BUT I was like that way before even starting in that training group so I will not blame them for everything (or anything at all anymore).

My goals now

Do I have clear goals now?
At least they are better than before.
And I believe, that with hard work, one day, I will be able to compete in those adult's Finnish championships (where I need a specific record to even compete there).
I also believe, that with hard work, I can one day get the black belt in Taekwon-Do.

This time I am really ready to fight for my dreams.
I am ready to learn to listen to my body more, and do based on how I feel, rather than based on "I need to do this now, not tomorrow." or "I will not get there if I am not doing this one exercise."

Maybe I have finally understood (or started to understand), that doing nothing (rest day) is sometimes a better option than doing something (no rest days/working out during high pain day).

I am getting there. And this time, I will not give up.
I have seen what would my life be like without hammer throw, TKD, and weightlifting, and it is not pretty. ;)

And hey, when I get back to hammer throw, I will not only prove to me, that anything is possible, but I will also prove all those doctors wrong. And that might be the real success. ;)