Road Back On Track

It's been a year. Year since I experienced frightening moments. Year since I lost the ability to use 1st my left leg and then my right one.  Year since I started long and tough rehabilitation to get back on track. Year since my life truly changed. WTF is happening? A year ago I was at home, minding my own business. Going to sleep. And then, suddenly, I realized my left leg wasn't working right. I couldn't move it on my bed, I couldn't lift it up, and all the toe and heel walking was just impossible. Due to having permanent problems on my back, I knew it could be something serious. Let me say, I didn't get much sleep that night. All I could think was: "WTF is happening?!" I felt like there was something really wrong, but I didn't know what to do. But that was just a start. "You have lost all your reflexes on your left leg, and the other one is weaker as well." In total, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. In two different hospitals, first in an...

This is a post from over a year ago (May 2019), and I wanted to post this the way it is. To show what were my feelings just a few weeks after I made the decision to end throwing a hammer at a competitive level. A lot has changed in a year and I promise, there is coming a new post how my life has changed since I "gave up." Many of you know I am now coaching younger athletes, and I will write more about that later on.  But here, first, my #throwback Thursday post: For already more than 4 years I have had an on-off and hate-love relationship with a hammer throw. I have been thinking about giving up multiple times, I have been writing message drafts to my phone thinking how am I going to tell my coach, that I am not continuing anymore. I have suffered from injuries, for almost 10 years in a row. It has affected my motivation. I even had a time where I did not make any personal best record for over 2 years. I found it hard to keep going when I did not even get a training p...

For a long time, my mental health diagnosis was severe depression. Months later, after having several different "tests" done and had appointments after appointments, I was diagnosed with bipolarity. It is still classified as "Other bipolarity" because it is still a new diagnosis. I have asked others to tell me their questions about bipolarity and especially my bipolarity, and in this post, I will share those questions with answers. But first, what it means to have  bipolarity ? I can only speak for myself and each and every patient is different. You can't diagnose yourself based on someone's symptoms, because for you, those symptoms might actually be part of your personality. For example, let's say, my sister, she is super active all the time, etc. for her my symptoms are totally normal. But for me, those same symptoms are classified as a hypomanic episode. What is the most common misunderstanding about bipolarity? In my situation, in my life, I have see...

In the current world, sexual abuse doesn’t only happen face to face, it happens everywhere . It doesn’t only happen for those who are from broken families, who are living in a poor condition, who are not close with their parents, who are marginalized… It can happen to anyone, anywhere . And nowadays, more and more, sexual predators are searching victims through online platforms. Many of you might think, that parents should see the signs. Parents should control their children so that they won’t get abused etc. But sometimes, they can’t see it. They can’t see it, because at some point, at some age, children/youth can hide it all very well. In the same way, many of them can hide bullying. So please, when you are reading this, and after reading this, NEVER blame anyone’s parents. NEVER . It starts with something so simple as: "Hi, how are you?" It starts in so innocent way and it is not easy to see where it is going before it goes way too far. It is easy to think, t...

You think mental illness is all about sleeping 24/7? Crying for no reason? Just being negative and unhappy? You think it is about not having the energy to do anything and just laying on the bed, miserable. It is not. Mental illness(es) is a wide concept, where symptoms vary from person to person. Some people, someone like me, actually gets emotion spikes, where one week I have super energetic days (not in a good way), those days when I do not really care about anything, I just need to move all the time. Cannot stop, it is just something I must do, going from place a to b, and from b to c, and from there maybe from c to d before I can get back to the place a. Going for a run middle of the night? Yeah, why not. Or going to run when it is raining and dark? Yeah, what would be a better time to do so? Getting to the gym at 4am and being out somewhere until 10pm with no sleep? Yeah, no problem at all. Speeding on the road and doing so risking your own life? Yeah, who car...

So how does it feel like to lose hope? To lose the willpower to live? To feel too tired to get up in the morning? To just feel exhausted? It has been a few months since my last post (in fact more than just a few months). I could list probably hundreds of different reasons why I have not posted anything. But there is just one real reason, and it is, taking care of my mental health. While writing has always been my way to tell about everything, I realized that all my thoughts were so messed up in my mind, that writing was literally impossible. I even had a short break from social media, because I just did not know what to write. And I also had to think about what I want to share, and what I want to keep to myself. For a short time, I thought I will turn my Instagram to private and not post about everything. But then I realized, that it helps me, and maybe it could help someone else as well. Getting diagnosed At the end of September, I was diagnosed with major depression , alon...

September is an international pain awareness month; Did you know that? We all have experienced pain in our lives, I am sure about it. Physical pain, mental pain, anything. Pain from one single small paper cut, pain from stepping on the Lego, pain from sprains and strains. Pain from accidents, or pain from losing a loved one. But some of us, in fact, millions of us around the world, experience pain every day. Not only every day but every hour, every minute and every single damn second. And most of us, have been told: “Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do more.” We take medications every day to be able to even try to live like we once used to. We go to work, we go to the gym, we see our friends, we go shopping, and some days we do nothing at all. We have lost friends along the way, we have lost the things we used to do, we have lost trust too many people, we have been seen as drug seekers at the hospital, we have been demanding to be taken seriously, we have be...