Road Back On Track

September is an international pain awareness month; Did you know that? We all have experienced pain in our lives, I am sure about it. Physical pain, mental pain, anything. Pain from one single small paper cut, pain from stepping on the Lego, pain from sprains and strains. Pain from accidents, or pain from losing a loved one. But some of us, in fact, millions of us around the world, experience pain every day. Not only every day but every hour, every minute and every single damn second. And most of us, have been told: “Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do more.” We take medications every day to be able to even try to live like we once used to. We go to work, we go to the gym, we see our friends, we go shopping, and some days we do nothing at all. We have lost friends along the way, we have lost the things we used to do, we have lost trust too many people, we have been seen as drug seekers at the hospital, we have been demanding to be taken seriously, we have be...

"I never thought, that one day I would reach out for mental health struggles.  But the same way, I never thought, that I would one day have chronic pain." I think that sentence describes everything perfectly. Right now, right at this moment. Living with constant pain is not only about pain. The longer there is a pain, sooner or later, it will start to affect everything else as well. Mental health as number one. There are thousands, or even millions (who even knows the actual number) who have even ended their own life because of chronic pain and the lack of proper pain management. A thing not to joke about. Mental health struggles are becoming more and more acceptable around the world, but still, it is a taboo. It should not be a taboo, people should not be afraid of telling they are struggling mentally. We have to be able to talk about it, share information and be more accepting. The best way to do this is through the people who are middle of everything. The on...

M51.1 Lumbar Disc Disorder with Radiculopathy. That is my final diagnose. That is something that I cannot hide, or try to hide with thinking something else. That is in my medical files and records. I can see it all the time, as well as the doctors who are treating me with any other issues. It is there, and it will not just go away. Right now I have given 3-4 months time frame. If my pain will not improve, my doctor is ready to take the risk and try if surgery could give me some relief. At this point, right now, it is too risky to try it. My issue is small, in a medical point of view, and surgery could even make my pain worse. So my doctor wants to be sure, that before seriously considering surgery, we have tried absolutely everything else. I have been told, that if during those months, at any time, I feel my pain will get worse than this, I must see my doctor again.  What does that diagnose basically mean? I was told the same by my doctor as well as the d...

Explaining what chronic pain means to me is not an easy task. It is not easy to share things like this, not even with other chronic pain sufferers, and even harder with those who do not have chronic pain. If you are one of those lucky ones without chronic pain or chronic illness, please stay with me, I am trying to open up here (and people who know me knows, that I do not open up easily). And as said before, it is not an easy thing to do, so if something does not make sense - do not even bother Googling it, because you will not find my feelings from there - read it again, think more deeply, and if it still does not make sense, just skip it. Or send me a message, throw me a comment or whatever. You can even try to send me smoke signals - might take a couple of times to find the right wind direction, etc, but never give up, right? ;) #throwback I did not born with chronic pain. I think that is not even possible. I was a healthy baby. And I was a healthy kid until I started trac...

"I am fine." So damn easy sentence, but do I really mean it when I say or write it? I do, in some ways I do. At the same time, I do not. I do not know how I could explain what this all is about, because at the same time I am fine, but on the other hand, I am very far from being fine. But sometimes I feel like I have to be fine, even though it would mean lying (to myself, and to others) how I actually feel. And as said, it is impossible to explain to anyone, how can I be fine and not fine at the same time. Especially as I do not understand it either. "I would not recommend returning back to hammer throw." "Hammer throw is probably the cause of your issue in the first place." "Returning to it, will not make this go away. It will probably just make it worse with all the twisting."  I hear these all the time. Whenever I see a new doctor, I ask if I have the possibility to get back to hammer throw. And I always get the same answer. T...

"I have two options, either fight or break down. Rise up or fall down. Alone between four walls, I can be afraid of the world, but I decide choosing to live." ~ Uniikki, Jannika B ( Valitsen elämän ) Translated words from one of my favorite songs, from the part that perfectly describes my experiences, my thoughts, my life. As everyone already probably knows, it has not been an easy journey with my chronic pain. It has included a lot of pain, tears, hopelessness and even giving up. It has never been easy, not at the start when I still had all my hopes and dreams left, not in the middle when I lost everything, and not now when I have again the courage to dream and dare to have goals. During all these 2 years, it has not been easy, but it has been easy to act that everything would have been ok. When in fact, it has not been perfectly ok. For already 2 years I have been afraid of making it worse, almost every day. It has been living in fear. And the time it really went...

It has taken me a long time to get to this point, to the point where I can honestly say, that whatever happens, I am not going to give up on my dreams. And I know there are people who do not understand this and might never understand. I am not blaming them. If you do not get it, maybe you are a person who has never had a setback, or maybe you have given up chasing your dreams after setback, maybe you have never experienced real dedication and want to achieve something. And if you have not, there is no way you could understand. It is OK, maybe one you will understand it all. Back to the point: I will keep coming back I know I have been writing a lot before how I am not sure if I could face any setbacks anymore and fight my way back from there. This just proves that it has not been long ago when I still thought that way. Now I think, that whatever comes on my way, I will be back. I will keep fighting. I will keep coming back. As long as I think something every day, I mu...